


Shattered

by sg1mouse



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hate Crimes, M/M, Multimedia, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 12:26:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 59,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11578071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sg1mouse/pseuds/sg1mouse
Summary: Mere weeks after descending, Daniel is the victim of a heinous hate crime here on Earth.  Jack struggles to help him through not only the crime, but his past demons also.





	1. The Evil Men Do

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Shattered](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/309534) by eilidh17. 



> Takes place shortly after season 7 episode: Homecoming.
> 
> This story deals with mental trauma, and suicidal ideation. Please read the warnings before you read the story. Also, due to time restraints, this has only been partially beta’d, so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I would like to thank the following for help & encouragement: Mitch H., Solstice Winter & Sue Zevitt-McNiece.
> 
> And a very BIG thank you to eilidh17 for her wonderful cover art!

 

 It was late and all Daniel wanted to do was to go home and crash.  He was beyond tired; he was bone weary.  Pulling into the parking lot of his local grocery store, he had one thing to get and then he could go home and pass out for a few hours.

Daniel had only been back among the living for three weeks.  After being kicked out of the Ancient Club, left naked on a planet not his own, with no memory of who he was, his journey just kept getting stranger by the day.  Found by benevolent nomads that took him in, he lived a life of a stranger, even to himself.  Then found by SG-3 and reunited with his team, Daniel had no time to adjust before being thrown into the fight against Anubis again.

Now back on his home planet, living in a ‘Rooms-by-the-Month’ hotel and struggling to recover his memories, he was beginning to question the sanity of his life.  His work the only thing that was making sense to him right now.  As he had always done in his 30+ years of life, immersing himself in the pursuit of knowledge was his saving grace.

He headed into the market and found it was deserted, getting what he came in for and getting out should be no trouble.  One thing turned into several, as it so often happens.  A bottle of white wine, a frozen Chinese dinner, and a bar of Ghirardelli chocolate.  The perfect dinner for him.  He browsed the paperbacks quickly to see if anything struck his fancy.  Daniel always had a cheap novel or two when he went off planet.  One of his guilty pleasures.  Picking out the latest John Grisham book, he headed to the front to pay.  He gave a nice smile and said hello to a group of young men as he passed by them, never realizing they already had eyes on him. 

“Hey,” one of the men said quietly to his friends, “check this guy out.”

Daniel was standing by the cash register.  He was in his normal civilian clothes, white chinos, light blue cotton button-down shirt, and a nice sports jacket.  To anyone else, he was just a handsome man.  To the four guys that were looking for trouble, he was a target. 

“Look at that, white wine and fancy chocolate in his basket.  Total queer.  And do we like queers?”

“Nope.  The only good queer is a dead one,” another one of the gang answered.

“Let’s meet him in the parking lot.  Ya’know… let’em know how we feel about his kind being in our city.  Play a little ‘smear the queer!’”

Quietly the four young men slid out of the store, unnoticed.  They spotted the lone Jeep parked by a rambling bush, and went to lay in wait for their prey.

Daniel paid for his purchases, chatted with the cashier amiably for a minute or two and headed out the door to his car in the dark parking lot.  Several of the overhead lamps were out, but he didn't notice.  Just as he got to the door of his Jeep, he pulled out his keys and promptly dropped them. 

“Crap,” he muttered to himself.

Putting his grocery bag on the hood of his car, he bent down to retrieve his fallen keys when a blow to the back of his head sent him sprawling.  Daniel hit his forehead against the car door with a sickening thwack.  His glasses went flying off, skittering under the car.  He started too turned over to see who did this when a well-aimed kick to his ribs knocked the air out of his lungs.

“Wha…” he tried to speak, but it was hard to pull in enough air.  Pushing himself up, he struggled to see who was attacking him.

“You goin’ down, fag!” a malicious voice said.

Daniel shook his head to try and clear the cobwebs, but it only proved to make things worse.  The next thing he knew, he was pulled to his feet and hit again.

“This is our town!  Faggots ain’t welcome here!” the hulking man laughed as the others held Daniel’s arms behind him.

Daniel noted four assailants: two holding him, one talking, and one keeping a lookout.  They were late teens, early twenties, and looked like young military want-a-be’s, not gang-bangers.  High and tight haircuts, football varsity jackets. They could have been any of a dozen Airmen he knew from the SGC.

 “Don’t you look at me like that, homo!!”  He was hit again when the ‘leader’ caught Daniel sizing him up.

Daniel was punched a few more times, then thrown to the ground.  Slowly he lifted his hand to wipe the blood away from his mouth.  He was almost positive they had broken his nose with the last hit.  Holding up his hands, palms out, he tried to placate them for a moment to get his bearings.  How the hell did he end up in a modern version of _The Clockwork Orange_?  He just wanted to go home, eat, and sleep.  Fighting for his life wasn’t on the menu.

He _knew_ how to defend himself… when he had too… in the field.  Both Jack and Teal’c taught him hand-to-hand combat and Jack was always yelling at him to be ready for anything. But tonight, he had been taken by surprise and he was on his home planet.  Not that didn’t make it any less dangerous at times.  Plus, these guys were big.  The two holding him were easily the size of Teal’c.  Only the speaker was smaller than himself.

“Hold on, guys,” Daniel told them as he tried to survey his options.  He got to his knees, spat a glob of blood and continued, “I, I, I don’t know why you think I’m gay, but… I, I I’m not.  Not that you should be beating up homosexuals either,” he let out a small laugh.

“You’re a liar! You got queer written all over you,” the leader said planting another blow to Daniel’s solar plexus that had him curled on the ground.  “Hey, Dozer, don’t they all say they ain’t queer?”

“That’s right, Tank!”

Daniel tried again to get up, still holding his hands out in a gesture of peace, before he was hit yet again.  This time it was with a small, lightweight souvenir baseball bat that resounded with a loud crack as it struck his skull. 

Rolling Daniel over with his foot, Tank spat in his face.  The man gripped Daniel’s jaw and forced it open, sticking the fat end of the bat into it.  Daniel gagged.

“This is what you love, right fag?  A little something, something in your mouth to suck on?”  The goons laughed.  “Or do you want something a bit… warmer?  With cum in it?”

Daniel tried to push the bat away when someone stomped on his groin.  The three men went into a frenzy of kicks, punches, and smacks with the bat.  Daniel curled up into a ball trying to protect his head as best as he could.  He started to feel consciousness and reality waver. 

Wasn’t anyone looking out the window of the store?  Couldn’t they see him being beaten?  His Jeep was parked with the driver side away from the storefront, however.  Maybe they couldn’t see what was happening in their dark parking lot.  The bat hit his head again and he was completely dazed.

Daniel tried to reach for his zat, his mind playing with him.  He was sure these were Jaffa attacking his team now.  When he couldn’t find his gun, he tried to crawl under the vehicle next to him.  Daniel kicked out as one of the guys grabbed his leg to pull him out from under the protection.

“Mother fucker!” Dozer hollered as Daniel’s foot contacted his knee and he fell to the ground.

“STOP!!” Daniel screamed out, “Please… stop!!  Jaaaack?”

“Oh listen, Dozer,” Tank sneered, “he’s callin’ for his boyfriend!!”

That made this all the more fun for Tank as he kicked his victim right under the chin.  Daniel bit almost clear through his tongue.  The warm metallic taste of blood poured down his throat and he started gagging.

“Tank, someone’s driving this way!” the lookout cautioned the others.  For a moment, the gang stopped their attack and hunkered down beside the Jeep. 

Daniel prayed they were done and would leave him alone now.  But as per his shitty karma, the beat down was far from over.  When the area was clear of traffic, the two bigger guys grabbed Daniel under his arms, dragged him behind a dumpster.  As soon as they were hidden from anyone that might happen by, Tank shoved Daniel’s head down into the cement with a foot, while Dozer cut all his clothes off.  Lying there naked, panic set in and Daniel tried kicking and hitting anything in reach.  A vicious kick to his already aching and unprotected balls, had him reeling in a vortex of agony.

Dozer was going through Daniel’s pockets and came across his military ID card.  “Hey, Tank.  The fag works up at the Mountain.  He’s part of the Air Force!”

The leader bent down, grabbed a hand full of Daniel’s hair and snarled, “There’s no room in this world for faggots!  And absolutely no room in _my_ military!  You think I want to serve with the likes of you?  It’s bad enough faggots aren’t drummed out anymore.  DA/DT makes me sick!  _You_ make me sick.” Again, Tank spat into his victim’s face.

Daniel instinctively tried curled into a fetal position when one of the attackers pried his arms away from his chest.  With a knee in his victim’s gut, the man pulled a can of red spray-paint from his cargo pants pocket and painted the word ‘FAG’ on Daniel’s chest.  When Daniel tried to stop him, one of the others stomped on his hand, crushing it.

Daniel felt rough hands twisting him at the hips and exposing his ass.  He tried to kick out, but his body was shutting down. Then pain exploded, racing up his spine as Dozer pushed the baseball bat into his anus.  Daniel screamed out.  Quickly, Tank kicked him in the face and then covered his mouth, stifling the sound.  Dozer shoved the bat in and out two more times.  Daniel passed out.

All four of the men stood around their victim and pissed all over him.

“Come on, guys.  He’s done for.  Take his clothes!  Fags like to be naked,” Tank told the others.  “And grab whatever’s in his wallet… just cash, no cards.  Dozer, get your bat, we’ll burn it with the clothes later.”

***

When Daniel drifted into consciousness again, he ached everywhere.  What had happened?  Where was he?  How long had he been knocked out?  Where was Jack?

He lay quietly trembling while he listened for any noise or voices.   He couldn’t move without searing pain.  Why hadn’t his team been there?  Maybe he got separated from them.  Tears leaked out of the one eye he could open as the agony grew exponentially throughout his body.  He was shivering violently in the cold air.  Turning his head slightly he noticed something shiny not far away.

His radio… no, it was his phone.  Then he remembered that he was on Earth!  He was just beaten up by a group of kids, not Jaffa.  The whole scene replayed in all its gory detail in his head.  He was a victim of a hate crime.  Just punks, out thrashing homosexuals.

He had to get to his phone.  Closing his eye for a moment to try and summon the last of his strength, he reached out for it.  When he moved his right arm, pain shot through his entire body ripping a strangled whine out of him.  He had to get closer to it.

Daniel pushed with his feet as he tried to scoot towards his phone.  His body screamed in protest as his back scraped along the asphalt.  He had to do this.  He had to reach the phone and call someone.  Blood streamed into his eyes from his forehead.  He could feel the blackness close in on him.  If he was to survive the cold Colorado night, he was going to have to get help… and soon.  A quiet sob seeped from his swollen, mangled mouth; he summoned all of what was left of his strength, and managed to push himself over to the phone.  Using his left hand, he picked it up and held the speed dial 1 down and waited for it to ring.

Jack’s harsh, sleep filled voice sounded like a choir of angles to the battered man.  “This better be life and death, Daniel, or you’re in for it!”

Daniel tried to say something, but just couldn’t.  How was he going to get Jack to understand he needed help, and had not just ‘butt dialed him’?  The only thing he could think of was SOS.

Jack heard the beeping of numbers being pushed.  _Three short beeps, three long tones, then three short beeps._

“Daniel?” O’Neill asked as he began to hear whimpers and sobs.  “Daniel?  Are you hurt?”

_Three short beeps, three long tones, then three short beeps._

It finally registered to O’Neill that it was an SOS being tapped out on the phone.  “Where are you, Daniel?” he asked as he got up and started to dress. 

“Mmm… ack…” he croaked out through his blood-filled mouth.  The soft plea was all Jack needed to hear.  He was out the door with his jacket half on and his boots in his hands.

The other end of the phone went quiet.  Too quiet.  Jack was worried that Daniel had passed out and he didn’t know where to find him.  Colorado Springs may not be a thriving metropolis, but it was still too big for him to go looking for one person in the middle of the night.

“DANIEL!” Jack yelled into the phone, “Tell me where you are!  Can you?”

_Three short beeps, three long tones, then three short beeps._

“Aaaaagggghhh…” Daniel tried his hardest to say something, but with his tongue hanging by a thread and his mouth full of blood, the only sound was a gurgling of pain.

Jack already had his truck in gear and was trying to listen to Daniel, clean off his window and drive all at the same time.

“Hang in there, buddy, I’m on my way.  I’m gonna put you on hold for a second, just hang on!!”

Jack put his friend on hold and called Sam.  “Carter!  Are you at work??”

“Yes, sir.  Why…”

“Shut-up… I need you to hack into the GPS network and find out where Daniel’s phone is at right now!!”

“Sir?”

“JUST DO IT, CARTER!  NOW!!”

“Yes, sir!”

Jack could hear her fingers flying over the keyboard of the computer.

“Safeway, West Colorado Avenue,” she reported. 

That was irony for you!  “Carter, call down to Frasier and tell her something’s up with Daniel.  I’ll call as soon as I find him.  Grab Teal’c and head to the Safeway, I may need your help.  Got it?”

“Yes, sir! On my way!”

Jack grunted his thanks and hung up on Sam.  He hit the hold button to get Daniel back on the line.

“Daniel, you’re at Safeway?  Right?” he wanted to verify his location, not that he didn’t believe Carter, but he was careful.  He could only hear the ambient noise and not his friend.  “DANIEL!”

He gunned his truck through the wet, empty streets in the hope that maybe Daniel had just slipped and banged his head or something dumb like that.  He wasn’t very optimistic, this was Daniel.

Pulling into the Safeway parking lot, Jack spotted Daniel’s jeep right away and the bag of groceries on the ground, but he wasn’t anywhere around.  He stopped his truck beside the jeep and got out looking for his friend.

“Daniel?!” He yelled into the darkness.

There was no answer.  Jack was really scared now.  He knew that Daniel would answer him if he could, so that meant he was in bad shape.

“DANIEL!!”

A clatter on the ground drew Jack’s attention towards the dumpsters.  Running over to them, he spotted the phone… then he saw the legs of his friend.

“Daniel!” he shouted as he rounded the corner and came to a sudden stop.  What he saw was something he would never want to see again: his best friend, naked and beaten to a bloody pulp.

“Oh, my God!” he whispered.

Kneeling beside him, Jack took out his phone and called the Mountain.  “This is Colonel O’Neill; CODE RED!  I need Dr. Fraiser and an ambulance at the Safeway on West Colorado Avenue, A-SAP!  We have a man down.”

Jack barely registered the response the soldier on the other end of the phone gave, when he dropped his cell to the ground and began running his hands over Daniel’s body.  He could tell just by his quick feel of his torso that several ribs were broken.

Daniel opened his eye as much as he could when he felt the warm hands on him.  He tried to bat them away, not realizing it was Jack.

“Naaaaa…”

“Easy, Danny.  It’s me,” he told the injured archeologist as he covered him up with his own jacket.  Getting up he ran over to his truck and pulled it around so his headlights would help him see.  As he moved the truck over, he called Sam again.

“Get here A-SAP!  Daniel’s been beaten up.  Janet’s on her way also.”

When he got up close, he almost gagged at the sight of his best friend.  “Jesus H.  Christ!” he yelled.  “Who the hell did this to you, Daniel?”

O’Neill’s phone rang, “WHAT?”

“It’s Fraiser, what do we have?”

“God almighty, Doc!  He’s a mess!  His face is already turning three different shades of purple. It’s swelling to the size of a basketball and blood is pouring out of his mouth.  His left eye is sealed shut and his nose broken.  Hang on, I’m checking the rest of him.”

Jack pulled the jacket he just put on Daniel down to look at his ribs when he saw his chest painted red with the ugly message.

Jackson reached up, took a hold of the older man’s shirt, and tried to talk.  That’s when Jack noticed something was very wrong with Daniel’s mouth.

“Open your mouth, Danny,” he told him softly.

The younger man tried to open his mouth as much as he could.  Jack watched in horror as the thin tendril that was holding the tongue together snapped and the ¼ inch chunk fell to the pavement.

“Oh, shit… oh, shit!  God, Danny, who the fuck did this to you?” he roared as he picked the piece of the man’s tongue from the ground. Then he reported to the doctor, “He’s bitten a chuck of his tongue off!”

“Mmmac,” a gurgling whimper was all Daniel could manage.  With his left hand, he held up four fingers.

“Four of ‘em?  Good god!”  Jack swore as his friend sobbed, clinging onto the hand that wasn’t hurt. “I know you’re hurting, Daniel.  Help is on its way.  Stay on your side so you don’t choke on your blood.”

Jack saw the spit and smelled piss all over his friend and rage grew into the monster he tried so hard to keep at bay.  Then he noticed the blood coming from his friend’s ass.  “Step on it, Doc!  I think he’s been raped.”

“Be there in five, Colonel,” she replied.

Jack sat on the ground next to Daniel, speaking softly, “It’s okay, okay, Danny.  I’m here.  Your safe now.  Just hang on, the cavalry is coming.”

The Colonel gently tucked his jacket around his friend’s torso to try and keep the wounded man warm.  When Jack accidentally pushed on the smashed right hand, Daniel yelped in pain.  Looking down, Jack saw that misshapen hand looked crushed.  He noticed the standard issue military tread pattern clearly.  O’Neill couldn’t remember a time that his friend looked worse. 

Why?  Why did this kind of shit always happen to Daniel?  Didn’t he deserve a break with all the times he had saved this stupid planet?  And it was their own fucking world for crying out loud!

Jack heard the sirens coming closer and breathed a sigh of relief.  The truck pulled up and Dr. Fraiser jumped out.

“Outta the way, Colonel.  Let us do our job!” she said as kneeled beside her patient and friend.  Pulling her cell phone out of her pocket, “This is Dr. Fraiser of the SGC, I’m going to need a medi-chopper at the Safeway on West Colorado Avenue A-SAP.  I have a man down with his tongue bitten off.  Have a surgical team ready when we arrive at the Academy Hospital.”

She put her phone back into her pocket while the crew started their well-trained routine.  Jack stood back to let them work.  The doctor called to one of the medics to put the piece of Daniel’s tongue on ice.

In the flurry of activity, Carter and Teal’c came streaking in.  O’Neill met them at the same time a cop showed up.  Jack went over to him, flashed his credentials, and introduce himself.  He told the officer what he knew and that the Air Force would be heavily involved with any investigation.

Jack looked up when he heard the chopper approach.  He excused himself from the cops and joined Dr. Fraiser and Daniel in the chopper.

“Carter…” he hollered over the sound of the whirring blades, “Take my truck home.  Have Teal’c take Daniel’s there too, then meet us at the Academy Hospital.”

With a quick salute, she caught the keys and headed to his truck.

***

Jack paced the quiet hallway waiting for word on Daniel’s condition.  It had been over five hours since they had arrived at the Academy hospital.  He hated waiting.  Especially when he was waiting to find out about his best friend. 

The doors to the surgical theaters opened and Dr. Fraiser stepped out weary and drained.

“Doc?” Jack just about jumped on her.

“He’s sleeping, Colonel.  We had a lot to patch up.”

O’Neill bit his lip and spread his hands indicating that he wanted more information.

“The surgeons managed to reattach his tongue, but I’m not sure how well it will take.  It’s only been done successfully a few times.  His jaw was broken, but because they had to sew his tongue back on, we can’t wire it closed for it to heal properly yet.  He has a severe concussion that I’m going to keep an eye on since it’s his third one in as many weeks.  He has three broken ribs and couple of fractured ones, as well as a broken right arm and several fractured bones in his right hand.  His back was scratched up and I had to pull some asphalt and glass out of it.  Also, add to the list; bruised spleen, kidneys, diaphragm, and mild hypothermia.  He has a broken eye socket, nose and…” she paused.

“And?”

“His genitals were severely, _severely_ bruised.  And you were right, Colonel… he was raped with a foreign object.  His prostrate was bruised too.”

Jack’s hands were curled into fists that made his knuckles white as he listened to her report.  He had so much pent up anger that he was having a hell of a time trying to keep it under control. 

Putting a hand on his arm to calm him, Dr. Frasier smiled grimly, “At least he is alive, Jack.  Just think of that.  He’s going to need your strength to lean on.”

Jack gave her a nod and then asked, “Can I sit with him?”

Janet nodded, knowing that he would pull rank if she refused.  “He’s going to the ICU, but I’ve already told them that you would be staying with him.”  When he opened his mouth to add something, she held up a finger, “And they know Sam and Teal’c will be here too.”

Scrubbing a hand through his hair Jack said, “General Hammond has already been here.  He loves Daniel like a son and when I told him what had happened… I’ve never seen the General as pissed as he was.  The SF Chief has been here for the DNA evidence and I believe he’s also talked to the two detectives from the scene.”

As Dr. Frasier turned to leave, O’Neill did something he rarely did, he hugged her tightly.  “Thank you, Janet.  For all the times, you’ve had to put that boy back together,” he leaned back and smiled at her, “and me too.”

Eyes bright, she smiled back, then turned to go. 

***

Jack went inside Daniel’s ICU room.  A nurse there was updating his medical chart on a clipboard and, before leaving, she checked all of Daniel’s lines.  She gave the colonel a tired salute and left him alone with his friend.

Jack walked over to him and stared down into the barely recognizable face.  Daniel’s whole head wrapped up like Marley’s ghost.  Jack assumed that it was to help keep his jaw shut since Janet couldn’t wire it.  A tube was trailing from his mouth with blood draining through it.  One eye was patched and he could see that even though the bandages were fresh, blood was already seeping through.  Daniel’s hand and arm were splinted; he figured that Janet couldn’t cast it yet due to swelling.  All this damage unnerved him and reminded him of how he looked after Kelowna and Jack didn’t like to remember that.

All this damage done with no reason behind it other than four fucking punks out to spread hate.  He wanted to find the bastards that did this and take them to a Goa’uld inhabited planet and ask the snakeheads to do their worst to them.  Then again, they were already as bad as any system lord, he’d only be giving these assholes more ways to be evil.  He wished that Netu was still open for business.  He would be very content with dropping them off and leaving’em to Sokar.

So many visions were going through his head of what he wanted to do to the scum that caused all of this.  Each scene was more gruesome than the one before.  A couple involved handing the delinquents over to Ba’al, but he knew that Daniel would protest and say that isn’t the way to handle misguided young men.

Jack let out a humorless laugh.  _What a joke… misguided my ass!_ he thought. 

With a sigh, he looked at his friend’s mangled face with fondness.  Yep, Daniel would defend them, even after this.  He’d say it’s just because of what they hear and learn from their parents and society in general.

Jack grabbed a chair and sat down beside his friend’s head and got comfortable.  It was going to be a long night.  Just as he started to nod off to sleep, the door opened and Teal’c with Sam close behind, came in.

“Kids,” Jack greeted them.

Sam’s eyes went wide and she raised her hand to her mouth, “Oh my God!”  The tears already forming.  She hadn’t see her friend at the scene.  “Who…”

O’Neill shook his head, “Don’t know, but my bet goes to some punks out beating up homosexuals. They wrote ‘fag’ on his body.”

Carter’s turned to him at once, “But Daniel’s not gay… is he?”

Jack snapped at her, “NO!  Would it matter?”

Sam shook her head with a slight burn coloring her cheeks. 

With a calmer voice, he continued, “Anyway, apparently they thought he was.  Damn near killed him too.”  He sighed, saying in a low voice, “It’s bad, Sam… really bad.”

The use of her name told her more than any amount words could.  Jack was scared for him, and now she was too.

Teal’c cocked his head to one side and asked, “O’Neill, why is it so important to others how one loves another?”

Jack looked down at the broken and bruised face of his friend.  “I don’t know, T.  Some people just get it into their heads that there’s only one way to love.  For me, I wouldn’t care if Daniel was gay.  It would just be part of him; like you having had junior inside was a part of you being a Jaffa.”

Teal’c still looked confounded, “On Chulak, it is no one else’s business with whom one falls in love.”

“Should be that way here too, Teal’c.  This country… hell, this world just can’t seem to get that into their heads.  And the military is even worse about it,” Sam said quietly.  “I never even consider if a person is gay or not.  It’s none of my business.  If they are genuine in their love, that’s all that counts.”

An uneasy quiet settled over the three teammates and they all started their vigil around their fallen comrade.  Jack offered Sam his chair, then got another for himself.  Teal’c, always the warrior, took up his station at the foot of Daniel’s bed.  He stood with an easy grace that always amused Jack.  How anyone could stand like that for hours, was beyond him.

***

It was well into the next day before Daniel showed any signs of waking.  Jack was reading a magazine, slouched in his chair.  Sam was working on her laptop on his other side and Teal’c was where Teal’c always was, at the foot of the bed.

Daniel groaned a little and tried to move his head but stopped almost immediately.  Jack jumped to his feet and leaned over him.

“I’ll get Janet,” Sam said right away, dashing out the door.

“Don’t try and move, Danny.  You’re pretty banged up.”

The wounded man looked up into Jack’s blurry face and saw fear and worry written on it.  He tried to talk but couldn’t open his mouth.

“Daniel,” Jack said quietly, “don’t try to talk, okay?  Just rest, buddy.”

He nodded slightly, then lifted his hand as if to ask for something to write with and groaned again.

“You got beat up a bit, but you’re recuperating. You’ll be okay, Daniel.  I know you want to know all the details, but we’ll let Dr. Fraiser handle them, okay?”

Daniel then noticed Sam coming back in with tears running down her face.  This made him understand that he was in bad shape.

“We’re right here for you, Daniel,” Sam told him softly.

Just then, Dr. Frasier came bustling up to him and started her routine check on the patient.  The others backed off and watched.  She knew there would be no way of getting them away from Daniel, so she didn’t even try.

Reading his chart and checking on all the monitors, Janet, the consummate professional, didn’t let anything show on her face.  She ordered her nurse to change the bandages on his eye.

After checking his level of alertness, Janet explained his condition to him.

“For now, I’ll give you the abridged version, Daniel.  We had to repair several broken bones: ribs, nose, jaw, eye socket, arm, and hand.  They’re healing fine and we expect no complications.  You have some internal bruising and a concussion.  You also bit off a small piece of your tongue, but we reattached it and the chances that you’ll regain full articulacy are excellent.

“I can’t wire your jaw shut just yet, due to your tongue.  But as soon as the swelling goes down, we’ll get that done too.  You have to be very patient and work with me,” she gave him a knowing smile, “I know how stubborn you can be. 

“Daniel, there’s a button in your left hand, it’s morphine and you can push it anytime you are in pain.  You can’t O.D. so I’m really encouraging you to use it.”

The injured man shook his head slightly with a look of long-suffering.  Everyone knew how much he hated medication.  Dr. Fraiser closed her eyes for a moment and sighed.

“Daniel, don’t try to get through this like a superhero.  You’re not… Hawkman or anyone like that.  Use the morphine.  Please, you’ll heal faster if you aren’t in pain.  You’ll rest better and that’s what you need right now.”

“Danny,” Jack came up behind her and put his hand over his friend’s left hand, “you need to listen to the Doc.  Don’t be stupid and try to muscle through.”  He leaned down and whispered, “We’ll be right here for you.  All of us.  You’ll be safe.  Okay?”

Daniel closed his eye and let out a long breath, wincing as it hurt his ribs.  Slowly he nodded yes and pushed the button.  It was instant relief and he was glad that he took their advice.

Janet smiled at him.  “It’s going to be a long road, but your body will recover.  I know how strong you are and how much help you’ll have with these three here for you.”

Daniel nodded and closed his eye.  He was asleep in no time.  Janet turned to Jack and motioned for him to follow her to her out of the room.  Dr. Fraiser pinched the bridge of her nose and sat in one of the hard waiting room chairs.  That was a sure sign to the colonel that this was going to be a trial for his friend.

“He’s not going to get through this easily, Jack.  His mouth alone could take up to three months to heal properly.  But, the physical trauma is only a small part of it.  I’m concerned for his psychological wellbeing.  He’s only been back with us for such a short time.” 

Jack let out a long, heavy sigh.  There was more to her statement then even she knew.  “I don’t know how much he has told you about his childhood, but I fear that this could cause him to have severe PTSD flashbacks.”

Janet looked questioningly at him.

“He was bullied pretty bad in high school and college.  The only reason I know this is because he talked to me about the worst of it when I brought him home from his stint with the sarcophagus.  I can’t tell you much, but one time he spent a few weeks in the hospital after some boys in high school beat him up.  He hides his PTSD very well, Doc.  I’m kinda worried this might be more than he can handle alone, which is how he’s always handled his problems.”

“Stubborn man,” Dr. Fraiser mumbled.  “Always has to be self-reliant.  I know you’ll help him through, sir.  He’s always trusted you.  But please, get him to see a therapist.”

Jack nodded at her.  “Janet…” he said as she turned to go, “Hawkman?”

The doctor gave him an embarrassed grin, “He’s always been my favorite superhero.  Very hot with those huge wings.”

They both had a short laugh, thankful for the comic relief.  Jack then returned to his favorite superhero’s room.

***

The next several days saw SG-1 taking turns sitting with their fallen teammate.  Daniel spent most of that time in a drug-induced haze.  For once, he did as the doctor told him and he used the morphine drip as he needed it.  General Hammond rearranged the off-world schedule to let SG-1 have two-weeks down time so that they could be with their friend.

When Daniel was awake, he was very distant, not wanting to interact with others.  The one eye that he could see out of was dull and lifeless.  He didn’t want anyone to touch him and every now and then, his team saw him quietly crying. 

After a week, they moved Daniel to the SGC ICU ward so Dr. Frasier didn’t have to run back and forth between two places.  Shortly after he was back in the familiar infirmary, the bandage came off his left eye and he could put his glasses on.  He still couldn’t see out of it, but at least he could see clearly with his right one. 

Daniel’s tongue was healing much faster than Janet thought it would and wired his jaw to fix the break ahead of schedule.  Sam brought in a laptop that she rigged to speak for Daniel, so he wouldn’t feel so isolated.  He didn’t want to use it and just looked away from anyone trying to interact with him.

Jack continued to sit with his friend.  He read to Daniel out of the latest issue of _Archeology Digest_ and kept him abreast of the latest gossip around the base.  Still, the injured man wouldn’t cooperate with anyone trying to cheer him up.

In the silence of the room, Jack grew more concerned for his teammate and friend.  He had seen the very same look in Daniel’s eyes before.  Twice.  And neither time did it end with rainbows and puppies.


	2. Ghosts from the Past

_The first thing he became a where of was the cold.  The second was that he was naked.  Daniel opened his eyes to find an unfamiliar setting.  Looking around, he saw no one near him, but he heard voices.  He sat up, trying to cover himself as best he could and shivered in the cool breeze._

_“Hello?” he called out, unsure if that was really wise.  “Anyone here?  Wherever ‘here’ is?”_

_Then he saw them.  Not quite human, but mere shadows with a human form._

_“Hello?  Can you tell me where I am?” he asked softly._

_The voice that answered sent an even colder chill up his spine.  “You are where all of your kind are sent.”_

_With eyebrows pulled low over his confused blue eyes, he asked, “My kind?  Do you mean ‘human’?”_

_A laugh that was neither humorous nor comforting lowered the temperature even more.  Daniel was positively shaking now._

_The rough and maniacal voice replied, “Your secret is now out for all to see.  Your friends will abandon you now.  You will have no one… as it should have been your whole pathetic life.  Your parents knew what you were and couldn’t wait to desert you.  None of the foster families wanted you around the other kids.  And now your pseudo-family will forsake you.”_

_Daniel whispered, “No!  This isn’t right.”  Then he screamed, “Who are you?!  What do you want from me?”_

_The shadows became clearer, but the faces had no eyes or noses, only savage looking fangs.  Their hands were like claws and they began to slash at him._

_“You are nothing!” they howled as each menace ripped into Daniel’s skin, “You are an abomination!  No one will ever love you!”_

_As Daniel opened his mouth to scream his terror, they phantoms entered him.  He gagged and struggled to cough them out, but they continued to claw him from the inside.  The pain was overwhelming.  Just as Daniel was about to pass out, he heard the chorus of voices whisper in his mind._

_“Queer.  Faggot.  Abomination!”_

***

Jack was sitting with his teammate, when Daniel woke from the nightmare, keening and thrashing wildly.  O’Neill was beside him in a split second, holding his good hand and shushing him as if he were a child.  Daniel tried to push him away, but Jack would have none of that.

Brushing the hair off his friend’s forehead, Jack whispered to him, “it’s okay, Daniel.  Everything will be okay.  I promise.”

Daniel just shook his head no.  He wanted to tell Jack to go to hell, but he couldn’t, so he just tried to push him away again.  Jack stood his ground.

“Push all you want, Danny, I’m not leaving.  You’re stuck with me no matter what.”

With that statement, Daniel broke down and sobbed.  Jack ran his fingers through the soft, but sweat-soaked hair and held tightly to his left hand, giving what comfort, he could to the wrecked man.  Taking everything that Daniel was willing to give him and making sure that he was strong enough to help in his recovery, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

After a short time, the younger man calmed down.  Jack pushed the laptop that Sam had left there for him over, so that he could talk if he was ready too.

“Try it, Danny.  It might help to let some of this it out.  I’m here and I can handle anything,” Jack told him.

Daniel picked up his glasses and awkwardly putting them on, he reached out and put his left hand on the keyboard.  Typing one fingered, left handed, proved to be laborious to the extreme.  With his finished statement, he pressed enter for the machine to read it aloud.  The robotic voice was disjointed and rough, but it worked.

 **“Fine now.  Not need you to stay.”**  

Jack smiled at him, “And here I thought you were above lying.  My image of you has been crushed.”

Daniel sighed.  He should have known that Jack wouldn’t buy what he was trying to sell.

**“I hurt.  That’s all.  Confused.  Why?”**

“I don’t know, Daniel.  I wish I did.  Some people just can’t get it through their thick heads that it takes all kinds to make the world go ’round.”

Daniel typed, **“You not think I am gay.  Right?”**

He really wanted to make sure that Jack didn’t think he was.  That would make this whole thing even worse if he knew the truth.  That would make his nightmare true.  He began to feel the claws inside of him tearing at his chest again.

“No! No.  It was just stupid punks.  You would have told me if you were anyway,” Jack replied with absolute surety.  When Daniel looked away, doubt crept in and he asked, “Right?” 

Jack noticed a dark pain in Daniel’s bloodshot eye.  When the younger man wouldn’t make eye contact with him, he stood up, cocked his head to one side, scrutinizing the man before him, “Daniel?”

Again, the tears started down Daniel’s face, he couldn’t stop them.  He had kept his secret from everyone, especially from Jack for eight years.

“Daniel… are, are you… gay?” Jack asked him quietly.

The younger man didn’t move, he wouldn’t turn his head towards Jack and he closed his eyes to fight the pain he was sure would come when he finally admitted his preference.  Particularly to Jack.  He really didn’t want to do this, but somehow, the time had come for him to speak up, and he couldn’t even speak.

“Daniel…”

With great trepidation, Daniel reached out his hand and typed, **“Am.  Sort of.”**

“You either are or you’re not, Danny,” Jack said to him.  “Unless you’re… bi?”

Daniel sighed, **“No, prefer men.”**

Jack hung his head for a moment.  This news was coming out of left field.  He thought he knew Daniel completely, but never in a hundred years would he have thought his friend would withhold that kind of information.  Jack sat down heavily.  This was big.

Why hadn’t Daniel told him this?  They had been best friends for years.  Had saved each other’s ass time and time again.  Why did he think that he couldn’t share this part of who he was with Jack?  Was he scared that Jack wouldn’t accept him?  That he would put him down or worse, bully him about it?

The light went on in Jack’s head.

Bullying.

Daniel had been bullied when he was a kid.  Maybe that was why he never told anyone this.  Swallowing his hurt, Jack placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder.  When Daniel wouldn’t look at him, he carefully put his hand under his chin and turned his head to face him.

“Daniel, it doesn’t matter to me.  I’m just surprised that you never felt that you could tell me.  God, Daniel…we’ve been friends for years.  I’ve shared more with you then even my wife.  Why did you feel you couldn’t tell me?”

**“Scared.  You’d hate me!”**

“I could never hate you, Daniel.  I may get aggravated at you, but that’s because you tend to disregard your own safety for the sake of others.  You are the best friend I’ve ever had.  And this small piece of you, really doesn’t change that.”

Daniel’s eyes were still dull and full of pain.  Jack sighed again and pulled the stool over to sit down.  He had to find out, what was really behind his fear.

“Danny, you told me you had a pretty rough time in high school.  That you got bullied a lot.  Is that why you kept it a secret?”

Daniel nodded his head, his mind racing back to where it all started.  The memories as painful as the time that it happened.

 

> _Eleven years old and in high school.  He was singled out right away.  Small, an orphan, had asthma and was way smarter than everyone else.  Including the teachers.  Many of the boys preparing to go to West Point after high school.  Daniel had never believed in fighting or war and the boys would push him around trying to get him to fight back.  The bullying was a big reason he hated the military so much.   He kept to himself mostly, but he did have a secret.  He was smitten with the star football player.  The boy had been nice to him, when the others weren’t around.  Daniel helped him with his history one time and had come down with a bad case of puppy love.  Then, the one girl that he thought was his friend told everyone that he was in love with the quarterback.  That was when he learned there really was a hell._

**“There was this football player,”** Daniel started to type, but couldn’t continue. He looked away and sniffed.  This was just too much.  He was admitting he was gay to the one person he never wanted to find out.

“Were you… were you in love with him?” Jack asked quietly.

**“Yes.”**

“What happened?  Did he find out?” Jack wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know the answer.

 **“Yes. My friend…”** he shook his head and amended, **“a girl told him.”**

Jack felt a chill run down his spine.  He could only image what the rest of the football players would do.  He closed his eyes against the emerging pain and listened to Daniel laboriously type.  When the voice of the computer read his friend’s words, Jack’s heart plummeted to his feet.

**“Three boys from… team gang raped me.”**

Jack hung his head and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Daniel.  I’m sorry you had to go through that, and now this.”

They were quiet for a while, lost in their own thoughts.  Jack wanted to know something, but was afraid to ask him.  And truth be told, he was afraid of the answer as well.

“Daniel,” he started out, “why did you never tell me this? I mean about you being, you know… gay?”

The other man closed his eyes and sighed.  He knew that Jack would want to know the reason for his silence about this.  He wasn’t sure if he _should_ tell him the truth.  It was his greatest secret.  One he wouldn’t even admit to himself if truth be told.

Jack watched closely as a war went on inside Daniel’s soul.

**“I am tired.  We drop this?”**

Jack knew how his friend worked.  If he dropped it now, he would come up with all sorts of excuses to keep it buried, letting it eat him alive.  Jack had to get him to talk.

“You can tell me anything, Daniel.  I promise it won’t make me hate you or abandon you.”

With his eyes closed, he put his hand back on the keyboard and typed, **“Can’t.”**

When he looked back at Jack, he knew his friend wouldn’t leave it alone until he spilled everything.  And now, the one thing he could not bring himself to say out loud, he typed, “Not tell you cause how I feel for someone here.”

Daniel took as deep a breath as his broken ribs would let him.  He looked Jack in the eye fleetingly, then focused completely on the computer screen, so he didn’t have to see his friend completely abandon him. 

 **“I…  fell in love with someone here long time ago.  I’m sorry.  I tried not to… but I can’t help how I feel.”** The non-emotional voice of the computer punched Daniel in the gut with every word spoken.

“Who, Daniel?”

“You,” he whispered through his teeth, tears streaming down his cheek. 

O’Neill clenched his jaw tightly.  He stood up and turned away from his friend, pacing a few steps.  Daniel saw the movement in his peripheral.  Jack had turned away from him and he felt his heart shatter.

**“Know you not want me around now.  I resign.  Leave.  You not worry. Won’t get out.  I’m sorry.”**

He shoved the laptop away and closed his eyes.  The pain in his heart exploded in the darkness of his mind.  Daniel had done it.  He had driven a wedge as wide as the Grand Canyon between himself and Jack now.  He was going to _have_ to leave.  He knew he couldn’t stay at the SGC any longer.  His wife was gone, Skaara was gone.  Hell, Abydos was gone.  There was nothing left for him now.

Jack turned back to him and placed a hand on Daniel’s head, shaking it slightly so the other man would open his good eye.  He looked at him straight on to make sure what he was about to say got through.

“I am honored to have your affection, Daniel.  I don’t swing that way, but if I did, you would be the one I would want.  This will not come between us _at all_.  You have to understand that.  You are my best friend and I will _never_ abandon you.”

With that said, Jack ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead.  Daniel’s one good eye went wide for a moment.  He couldn’t believe what just happened or what was said.

Jack didn’t hate him?  Jack wouldn’t leave him?  Jack was still his friend?  Daniel could live with that… _if_ he could believe it.

“You need to sleep now, Danny.  You look exhausted.  You can be sure, that when you wake up, I will be here with you.  You can’t scare me off.  Okay?” he told the younger man as he pressed the morphine drip.  He knew that Daniel was in pain and needed to rest after that.

Daniel nodded his head.  His eyes closed without his knowledge and he was asleep almost instantly.  Jack took his friend’s glasses off and set them on the tray beside the laptop.  He ruffled Daniel’s hair again, gave him another kiss on the forehead and sat back down in his chair blowing out a long breath.  So much had happened in such a short amount of time.  He felt old and tired. 

There was going to be a lot of talking between he and his friend.  But that could wait until Daniel was stronger.  He also had a lot to think about as well.  His feelings for Daniel being the first and foremost on his mind.  How did he feel about his friend being in love with him?  What did _he_ feel for Daniel?  Would this become a problem with anyone else?  He was sure that Sam and Teal’c wouldn’t have a problem.  Probably not even General Hammond.  But the rest of the base could be something else entirely.  There were many Marines on base and they already gave Daniel a hard time.  It hadn’t been too bad since his return to the mortal plane, but that was only because Teal’c had expressed his displeasure at the ‘geek’ comments rather forcefully.

As he thought about all this, he realized just how exhausted he was also.  Closing his eyes, Jack was snoring alongside the one person in the world, he would do anything for.

***

A few weeks after the attack, Daniel was getting restless.  He had to stay in the infirmary for the entire time and it was starting to get to him.  He still couldn’t move without assistance, however.  Even just to take a leak, he had to have a nurse help him.  For Daniel, there was no amount of embarrassment to top that.  Twice a day he had to have an ice pack on his groin, and the smallest movement sent pain through his ribs.

With his left eye, still unseeing, Dr. Frasier was worried that his sight might never return.  She brought in an optical specialist.  Daniel had never been more scared in his life.  His eye-sight might never had been the best… but he relied heavily on it for his job _and_ his life in the SGC.  When the results came back with a good prognosis, some relief washed through him.  It may take a while, but he would get his sight back.

Daniel was also having a hard time without the use of his right hand.  The cast covered his whole hand and went up to just under his armpit.  At least it was on the opposite side of his broken rips.  He was laid up in bed, unable to read for any length of time without agonizing headaches which robbed him of breath.  Still, he pleaded to go home so he could breathe the fresh air and not the recirculated air of the base.  He wanted to feel the sun on his face, look up at the sky and count the bright stars at night.  But Janet wasn’t having any of that, holding his leash, tight.

She knew that he hadn’t come to grips with his hate crime.  She tried to get him to see a counselor, but he would have none of that.  Janet had no choice but to restrict her patient to the infirmary.  Here the nurses could help him with what he needed.  He couldn’t even be moved to the quarters he usually stayed in when he slept overnight.  Fraiser wouldn’t give him a good reason as to why and Daniel thought this was very unfair.  Daniel hoped that Jack would be on his side, but his CO agreed with the doctor.  He told the wounded man that he would stay also, just to help him out.

But Jack’s real reason for staying was to talk with Daniel about his confession.  Every time Jack tried to talk with the younger man, he would just clam-up.  He had already tried to tell Jack that it was a drug induced utterance and it wasn’t true.  The Colonel didn’t buy it.  He knew Daniel; knew how he thought and behaved.  Jack saw that pattern now.  Daniel was back pedaling.  He didn’t want to face the situation.  It hurt Jack that he wouldn’t communicate with him.  Still, trying to push Daniel to do something he didn’t want to do, never worked.  Jack was patient, he would wait him out.

***

After a month of confinement in the base infirmary, Daniel was in General Hammond’s office pleading his case to go home.  It might have made more of an impression if Daniel could actually speak.  He hated that his jaw was wired shut.  Hated the feel of his mangled tongue.  Daniel had to resort to toting the laptop around with him everywhere he went.

**“Please, General, I am begging you!  Let me go home.  You don’t even let me work.  I am going crazy here!”**

Jack was sitting next to him for moral support and gave Hammond a slight grin.  The general rubbed a hand over his face buying time before he had to crush his favorite archeologist’s hopes.  Dr. Frasier was adamant that Daniel not be alone, and Hammond would never cross his CMO.

Just then, Jack piped up.  “I suppose, General, that I could take him home with me.  That way he’s away from here, but still with someone that can help him out when he needs it.”

Daniel looked at Jack with surprise, then fear, in his eyes.  He didn’t want to go home with Jack.  That was the last place he wanted to be.  Daniel knew that once they were away from the mountain, Jack would start to grill him again about his ‘slip of the tongue’.  He didn’t want to deal with what he told Jack.  Of the feelings, his heart wouldn’t let go.

The General thought that Jack’s offer was his saving grace.  “You know, that sounds like a great idea.  If Dr. Frasier thinks so too, I’ll approve.  Jack, consider yourself on leave until further notice.  Please co-ordinate with Dr. Fraiser on Dr. Jackson’s medication and care.”

Daniel jumped to his feet, swayed a little, and slammed his hand down on the desk.  His face was a bright red as he tried to get his feelings across to the two men deciding his life.

“NO!” he shouted through his teeth.  Pounding on the keyboard of the laptop, he tried to get across his anger and frustration.  **“I am not a kid! Not one of your soldiers!”**

The computer voice didn’t do his feelings justice.  Jack raised an eyebrow at him with a smirk that said so much. 

“Daniel,” he said in that oh so infuriating voice, “you might want to sit back down before you fall over.”

Seething, the younger man stood to his full height and glared at the Colonel.  His unbroken arm clamped firmly across his chest.  That lasted for all of about six seconds, then he began to black-out.  Jack caught him just as he was starting to crumple to the floor.  Setting him in his wheelchair, he looked over to his superior officer and smiled.

“I’ll take him to get checked out by Fraiser, and then home with me, sir.”

Daniel tried to shake his head no, but it just made him dizzy and groan in pain.

Gently putting the younger man’s feet back onto the footrest and unlocking the wheels, Jack headed for the infirmary.

“Take care of him, Jack,” Hammond told their retreating backs.  “Make sure he doesn’t over do it.”

With his one free hand, Jack waved his acceptance of his new mission.

***

Jack stood by the door frame of the infirmary.  He watched in sympathy as he the nurses place an ice pack carefully on Daniel’s groin.  Janet looked up to see the colonel as he straight up and walked into the room.

“Hey, Daniel… Doc,” he nodded as he watched Daniel wince when the cold seep into his crotch.

“Colonel, I need to speak to you in my office,” she gave her patient a small smile.

Jack glanced at Daniel to see the questioning look on his face.  Jack shrugged at his friend, “I have to, you know, find out how the doc wants me to take care of you.  You know, the meds and stuff.”

Jack couldn’t get over the forlorn look on Daniel’s face; he looked like a lost and scared puppy.  How was he going to help put a broken Daniel back together again?  He turned to follow Janet to her office.

Jack sat in Janet’s office getting the rundown on all of Daniel’s meds and how to administer them properly.

“Make sure you have plenty of ice bags, he’ll need them for his groin… twice a day.  It’s still very swollen,” the no nonsense doctor told him.  “All the pills can be crushed and added to pudding or applesauce.  Make sure he takes them, Colonel.  I know he doesn’t like too, but he will need the rest and most of them will knock him out for a couple of hours at least.  There’s an inhaler here in case he his breathing becomes too labored.  I know he use to have asthma attacks as a child.  I’m also giving you a few sedative shots for when you need him to calm down quickly, like after a nightmare.

“There is one more thing,” she said as she sat next to the older man, “I’m worried about his mental state.  He _needs_ to see a Psychiatrist and a counselor.  I can give you a few names if he doesn’t want to see Doctor McKenzie.”

Janet saw the look on Jack’s face.  She realized that she’d have to spell this out for him.  She knew that both Jack and especially Daniel had no faith in McKenzie after what had happened with Ma’chello.  She leaned over and covered Jack’s with hers.

“Colonel, I’m really concerned about Dr. Jackson.”

The older man gave her a shrug, she could tell he wasn’t convinced yet.  Janet hated to do this, but she was seriously worried.  It may be time to take off the kid gloves.  She squeezed the hand that she was holding and started again.

“Colonel,” her look gentled even more.  Softly she continued, “Jack, Daniel has been beaten and even worse, raped,” she let that sink in or a moment.  “It’s hard enough for a woman to deal with, can you imagine how much tougher it is as a man?  When you think of rape, the thought naturally goes to a woman.  A man is supposed to be strong… fight off his attackers; _real men don’t get raped,_ most think.  Even in today’s world.  So, Daniel is not only dealing with being raped but with being emasculated.  And that you and Sam and Teal’c know about it?  How would you feel?  With all that he has been through and now this, do you really think he can just get over it with a bit of time?”

Jack didn’t know what to think.  The doctor was right, he couldn’t argue with what she was saying.  He didn’t want to think of his friend going through more hurt and anguish.  More scaring on top all that was already there.  He didn’t like or _trust_ McKenzie and knew that Daniel felt even more strongly. 

He sighed and looked at Janet, “It won’t be easy ya’know, he won’t want to go.”

Janet nodded; she knew he would fight it too.  “There’s more.”

The surprised look that the older man gave her would have been funny if things weren’t so serious.  Janet had to make sure he truly understood just how grave things were with the younger man.  She straightened up in her seat and let out a sigh.  Sometimes her job was more overwhelming than cared to admit and this was one of them.

“Daniel already suffers from the treatment he got after his parents died, not to mention actually witnessing their death.  Growing up in foster care, being bounced around from place to place. 

“Then there’s all the things we’ve seen him go through since he’s been with us.  Now this beating and rape,” the doctor sadly shook her head as she released his hand.

Jack took a deep breath as he thought about the truth in what the doctor said.  He knew she was right.  Daniel never wanted to acknowledge his past or the pain of growing up in the system.  He didn’t want to think about it.  But Daniel was a strong man.  Level headed and insanely educated.  Still, that could be what the problem would be.  He’d lock everything away and let it fester in his soul until he snapped.

“Jack, I’m worried he might do something… drastic,” Janet told him.

Jack looked up at her sharply, “WHAT?!” he nearly yelled, “Danny’s not like that!!”

“Why do you think I’ve been keeping him here?  Here, he can be watched without his knowing it,” she said sternly.  “After what he just went through and what’s happened in his past… are you willing to stake _his_ life on that assumption?”

Jack rubbed a hand over his face.  No, he wasn’t willing to bet Daniel’s life on anything.  The man had been through too much.  And now knowing what he knew about his friend’s secret… his admission of feelings for Jack, maybe Daniel was further over the edge than he wanted to acknowledge.  Jack nodded his head in acquiescence.

“You may want to go through your place and make sure he won’t be able to get at anything he could use to hurt himself.  And I would suggest that you are readily available, especially at night.  I know for a fact that he’s been having night-terrors.  I’ve had to administer a sedative several times over these last few weeks.”

Jack stood and nodded his head.  “I won’t let him outta my sight, Doc.  And I’m a pretty light sleeper.  I’ll take good care of him.  Thanks for the heads up.”

The diminutive doctor reach for his hand, “Just make sure you reinforce that he has friends… family here for him.  That he doesn’t need to face this alone.” 

Jack and Dr. Frasier then tuned to go into the main infirmary room and back to their patient.  She wasn’t looking forward to talking with Daniel, knowing just how stubborn he could be.  Still, he needed to know how thing were going to have to work before he would be allowed back on his team.

***

Daniel laid back on the infirmary bed, an ice pack freezing his balls and waited for Janet to be done telling Jack what was needed to care for him.  He was still seething.  Everyone was deciding what to do with their errant linguist.  Deep down he knew it was out of care for him, but it still rankled his feathers.  He considered getting up and leaving quietly but then, he wouldn’t even make it to the elevators, let alone all the way topside before he was apprehended.  And he didn’t have his car there anyway.

He still had a lot on his mind though.  Heaving a sigh that made his ribs hurt, he thought about what had gone on.  He had been back among the living for only a few weeks before the attack, and he still had gaping holes in his memory.  The one thing that did come back to him, time and time again, was how he felt as lost as he did when his parents died.  It was a feeling he didn’t like.  A feeling he never told anyone about.  A feeling that made him consider drastic actions.  Ones that he had managed to pull Jack away from the first time they had met, but ones that he still had to fight off.

Sometimes it was intolerable and one of the main reasons he went with Oma as he lay dying in this very same infirmary.  He remembered that his feelings for Jack were truly beginning to drag him down and that they weren’t really on the best of terms.  He wanted to die and Oma gave him a way out.  Something the others would think of as maybe kind of noble.

But this time, she wouldn’t be there.  There was no one to rescue him from his own weaknesses.  This time, if he was going to concede to his inklings, he was going to have to have the balls to do it himself.  Before, he could say that he died because of the radiation and that it wasn’t his fault, even though Jacob was starting to heal him at the time.  Now he would have to admit his defeat and play the game on his own.  He never liked the word suicide, but he understood it.  Everyone would be better off without him.  He just dragged people down, and he felt that he _never_ did anything right. 

Maybe it would be easier at Jack’s house.  He knew that Jack had a few guns there.  Knew the combination for the safe as well.  He always felt that a gun was just too messy, but if he had the chance, he’d take it.  And he _did_ have a lot of medication.  That could be a way.  Getting his pills from Jack could pose a problem though.  

Looking around, Daniel watched a nurse telling a different patient how to take the morphine pills he was prescribed.  When the nurse walked out, he turned to see the soldier roll onto his side and go to sleep.  Daniel was alone.  Very gingerly, he slid off his bed and snuck over to the tray the pills were sitting on.  With a quick look around, Daniel snatched them, shuffled back to his bed, and put them at the bottom of his duffle bag under his clothes.

He replaced the ice pack and went back to brooding.  The first thing that came to mind was the confession he didn’t mean to blurt out.  He tried to take it back, but Jack knew it was true.  How could Jack even be in the same room as him with that knowledge?  How could Jack even look at him, thinking of what Daniel might be imagining?  It made his stomach churn.  Why did his own heart have to turn against him like it did?  And why Jack?  Anyone, but Jack!  He didn’t hold homosexuality against anyone else.  It was fine for others… but he thought he’d gotten over all that.

Like that could really happen.  It wasn’t a disease, it was love.  A love that he thought he’d tamped down on.  Love.  That was a loaded subject for him.  Daniel felt that he was unlovable, pure and simple.  His parents loved him, but they went away.  Intellectually, he knew it wasn’t their fault.  But now, his emotions and mental state seems to have slingshot back to how he felt as a kid.  His grandfather didn’t want him.  Most of the foster homes didn’t even know what to think of the tiny, silent, bookworm that was way smarter than any of them.

Then there was the rape in high school.  To Daniel, sex was something people take from him.  It was violent and uncaring.  A thing that he would never enjoy.  And no matter how hard he tried to consider it as _making love_ , for him it was merely something that took away time that he could be learning or study.

Even the entire year he was with Sha’re, sex wasn’t exactly high on his list of things to do.  Not that she minded.  The Abydos people believed that sex was only for making babies.  Men would only lay with their wives on certain lunar cycles.  Kissing wasn’t aloud outside the home. Touching in a provocative way in public could get you caned. 

Masturbation was an accepted form of release for men on Abydos.  But they could only do that in a special building behind the main village.   It was also where a man that needed something more to relive his pent up sexual urges, unmarried young men were made available for a price.  Daniel never went there. 

Besides, he had a whole city to teach reading and writing too.  A huge opportunity to study a living breathing culture that had been dead for thousands of years on Earth.  Not to mention the map room to investigate.  He spent more time without Sha’re than with her.  After the first few months, she seemed to figure it out and quietly released him from their marriage.  Only Skaara knew.  He did love Sha’re… he just wasn’t IN LOVE with her.

He was _in love_ with Jack O’Neill.  Even then.

After Sha’re’s abduction and subsequent ‘snaking’, all he felt was guilt.  Guilt that he didn’t protect her.  Guilt that he couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved.  Guilt at not being man enough to protect her, and that lead right back to his self-loathing at being a homosexual.

That was the root of all his problems, being a fucking queer.  He was weak, useless, the definitive loser.  Everything, _everyone_ , he loved… left him.  His parents, his grandfather, his many foster families.  Career, creditability, it was just piling up in Daniel’s already tortured soul.

Then came Shyla.  He didn’t love her.  Hell, he didn’t even really like her.  It was just his insatiable need to save everyone from themselves.   Everyone that _wasn’t_ him.  And after the whole incident with Hathor, being raped yet again, that was the last time he ever wanted to screw a woman!

Now, however, his secret had been outed and to the man that his heart was yearning for.  Wonderful!  His life was now over.  Jack may act like all is good, but he knew… at some point in time, probably very soon, Jack would push him away again.   Or worse, hold it over him.  Might as well put a gun to his head then.  Yeah, it was time for him to put his heart to rest.

Daniel was so deep in thought, Jack, and Dr. Fraiser startled him.

“Okay, Dr. Jackson,” Janet said with a smile, “you have your walking papers.  However, there are a few things I need to express.”

Daniel rolled his eyes at her.

“Listen up, Danny, or you’re not gonna get to leave,” Jack said as he sat next to him on the bed.

“First, take your meds as prescribed.  Don’t want you to accidentally over dose.  The Colonel has all of them and how and when you should take them.  Second, you need to get a lot of sleep.  That will help with your healing.  Make sure you eat.  Again, Jack has all the info on what would be best and easiest for you to consume through the wires.  It’s going to be a lot of soft foods.

“Third and most important, you have to make an appointment with a counselor _and_ Psychiatrist.”

Daniel sat up straight and whined with a scowl on his face.  He shook his head so fast, they all heard his neck crack.

Jack said, “Told’a Doc.  I knew he was gonna fight tooth and nail.”

Janet looked at Daniel with a hard, no nonsense glare, “Daniel, if you don’t see both a counselor and Psychiatrist, I’m not going to sign off on letting you come back to work.”  With a softer voice, she reached out and took his hand.  “I know you don’t like to talk about yourself or your past, but Daniel, it’s imperative that you get help.  I’ve given a list of SGC accepted doctors to Colonel O’Neill and General Hammond is onboard with my recommendations.

“No psychiatric help, no work.  Simple as that.”

“Yeah… simple,” Jack said with a tight-lipped smile.  “Okay, Danny, time to go.  I can’t wait to show you what a first-rate nurse I can be.”

Daniel rolled his eyes at him.  He knew he wasn’t going to get out of this.  Standing up slowly, he groaned when he saw Fraiser with a wheelchair.  Jack put a hand on his shoulder and steered him over to the horrid thing.

“Doc’s orders, buddy.  I get to push you around a little longer.”

Jack moved behind, wheeling his charge out.  Daniel closed his eyes, so he didn’t see the looks of pity he was sure he’d get.  At least he was getting out of the Mountain.  That was something.

***

The ride to Jack’s house was taken in complete silence.  He tried to get Daniel to talk, but the younger man wouldn’t play along.  He just sat in the passenger seat balancing the laptop on his duffle bag.  Jack knew that a quiet Daniel was a brooding Daniel… that was never good. 

He also knew that his friend was very unhappy at not being able to go to his apartment.  But like Dr.  Fraiser, Jack wasn’t comfortable with letting him out of his sight.  He had seen what PTSD could do to a person.  Hell, he had gone through it himself.  Knew that it was something that never completely went away.  Jack was sure that Daniel would fight against having to rely on someone else for anything.  The younger man had been an unmitigated loner since he was eight years old.

As soon as the truck came to a stop in O’Neill’s driveway, Daniel attempted to get out.  Jack reached over and gently pulled him back.

“Just wait a second and I’ll help you, Danny.”

The other man rolled his eyes at him but sagged back into the seat.  “’aaaaack,” he snarled through his wired-clenched teeth then typed out, **“Not an invalid!”**

“Didn’t say you were, but I know that it’s hard to move with just one busted rib… you have three.”

Jack got out and walked around to help his friend out of the truck.  As soon as Daniel got his feet under him and relatively steady, a football came out of nowhere and hit the side of the truck.  Daniel dropped to the ground screaming and clutching his duffle bag to his chest.

“Sorry, Mr.  O’Neill!” a young boy shouted over the hedges.  “Ball got away from me!”

Jack glared at the kid for a moment then picked the football up and tossed it back to him, “It’s okay, Jeremy.”

Jeremy came close to the hedge, saw Daniel on the ground and blanched, “Oh man!  Did I hit him?  I’m really sorry!”

Jack bent down to help his friend up and replied, “No, just startled him.  Been a rough couple of weeks.”

The boy nodded solemnly and turned back to his playing.

“Come on, Danny, let’s get you inside before they start punting.”

Jack succeeded in getting them into the house without further incident.  Daniel had a sheen of sweat covering his face and was shaking like a windblown leaf.  His eyes were wild and breaths came in short, painful bursts.  Sitting Daniel down in his favorite chair, Jack went to get him something to drink.  He took out a couple of pills and crushed them, putting them in a small amount of the water.  As an afterthought, he added a straw.

“Drink this all down, Danny,” he told him.

Daniel could barely hold the glass in his shaking hand.  Jack kneeled beside him, holding the cup with him.

“Wha iv ‘iv?” _< What is this?>_ Daniel asked softly, cringing at his lispy inarticulate sound.  He reached for the laptop when Jack stopped him.

“I speak ‘Daniel’, it’s okay.  This is just a little something to help calm you down.  It’s some of the meds that Janet sent home with us.”

“No wah’,” _< No want,>_ he snarled and tried to push it away.

Jack shook his head and pushed the straw into his mouth, “For fuck’s sake, just take it… it won’t kill you.  Just a pain med and a mild sedative.  Make you sleepy.”

Knowing he was in no shape to resist, Daniel complied.  Jack smiled at him, “Atta ’boy.  I’m going to go and make up your room, okay?  You just chill out here for a few.”

The wounded man absentmindedly nodded as he hugged his duffle bag close and closed his eyes.  He was tired and sore from the trip.  Daniel never realized how far the base was from Jack’s place.  He usually loved the trip.  It was scenic and always meant good food, good beer, and good company.

Now it was the place he was going to shuck off this mortal coil once and for all.  He was done.  Done with the fight.  Done with the pretense of being fine.  Done with everything.  He hated that it would be here in Jack’s house instead of his own, but maybe he would be able to go out for a walk at some point and end his life in a secluded patch of nature.  Jack would have to go out periodically to get things, he imaged.  As he listened to Jack shuffle around in the spare room, Daniel let the sweet embrace of unconsciousness take hold.

***

Jack knew that something was brewing inside his best friend.  He could feel the nagging discomfort in his guts.  As he went through the spare room, he imagined what _he_ would be looking for after Charlie died.  What _he_ could get his hands on that would take the pain away.

Grabbing an empty shoe box, he began to pack away anything sharp or long enough to go around a throat.  He went through all the drawers of the dresser, clearing them out.  Cut the cords of the blinds, and took the door knob off so that Daniel wouldn’t be able to lock him out.  In the attached bathroom, Jack took out the razor and any meds that were in the mirror cabinet, leaving only a toothbrush, washcloth, and a couple of towels.  Daniel would have to ask for anything else.

He went into his bedroom and pulled out a lockbox.  Setting down on the bed, he changed the code to get into it, then pulled the important papers out and stashed them in his sock drawer.  Emptying the myriad of medicine that Daniel was on into the lockbox, he closed it and slid it under his bed.  Daniel was having a very hard time bending and figured it would be as good a place as any.

Jack also knew that if someone wanted to kill themselves bad enough, they would find a way.  He was going to have to be ever vigilant.  Pulling his cell phone out, he dialed Carter.

“Hey, Carter,” he wearily said into the phone, “can you do me a favor?”

“Sure, sir.  What’s up?”

“If I email you a list of groceries and stuff would you pick them up and deliver them here?  I don’t want to leave Daniel alone and I don’t have much here.”

She was quiet on the other end for a few moments, “Are… are you worried he’d take off?”  Carter’s voice was thick with concern.

“Just making sure he doesn’t have a chance too.”  He paused, wondering how much he should say.  “I’m really concerned about him, Sam.”

She had visited Daniel at least once a day on base, and knew that he wasn’t exactly in his right mind.  Now she was even more distressed about what her ‘big brother’ might do.

“Yeah, send it over and I’ll get everything to you in a couple of hours.”

“Thanks,” Jack sighed, “see ya then.”

With Daniel’s room ready, Jack wondered out into the living room to see if he was comfortable.  The younger man was sleeping restlessly.  Jack kneeled and took his friend’s shoes off.  Daniel was still dressed in scrubs which made it easier for him to answer the call of nature.  Jack gently pulled his duffle bag from his grip and sat it on the couch.  He would have to go through that too.  Daniel could be pretty sneaky when he wanted to.  Lastly, he put a blanket over him and headed for the kitchen to start his inventory for Carter. 

He had to clean out the refrigerator first, tossing the green, fuzzy, growing things.  It had been awhile since he was home.  He went through all the cabinets and tried to make a concise list of groceries.  Jack was about to put beer on it, but decided that wouldn’t be good to have around with Daniel on meds.  He would just have to go without for a while.

Then he went to change the combination on his gun safe as well.  All the extension cords were packed up and put on a high shelf in the garage with the shoebox of sharp items from Daniel’s room.  Going back into the house, Jack locked the garage door with a padlock, just to be safe.  He quickly went outside and changed the combination code on his outside garage door as well.  Daniel was resourceful.

Back inside, he sat on the couch and pulled Daniel’s duffle back over.  Opening it up, he pulled each item out, shook it, then placed next to him.  It was mostly scrubs, and a couple of sweatpants.  A few of the ugly, non-slip socks that seemed to be standard issue of all hospitals.  Daniel had his toiletry bag packed and Jack made sure that he pulled the razor and nail-clippers out of it.  Boxers, sweatshirt, and a few books, teetered on the clothes pile.  At the very bottom of the bag, Jack was surprised to find a pill bottle of morphine pills.  It was for a soldier that had been in the infirmary when Daniel was.

He leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes.  So, it was true.  Daniel had the inclination of ending it all.  Jack really didn’t want to believe it of his friend, but here in his hand…  Maybe Daniel was confused and thought it was his.  Shaking his head, he knew that was bogus.  The soldier was all the way at the other end of the room.  Daniel would’ve had to wonder down to get them.  That became a conscience thought process to steal them.  He was going to have to let Janet know to keep her nurses a little more aware of the medicine distribution.

Shaking out the bag just to be safe, Jack gathered all the items up and took them to Daniel’s room.  He put the pill bottle in the lock-box with the others, until he could get them back to the Doc.  He went back into the living room and sat with his laptop to email the food list to Carter.  Daniel whimpered a few times in his sleep, but didn’t wake up.  After everything was done to Jack’s satisfaction, he closed his eyes for a quick cat-nap, his head near Daniel, and one hand on his friend’s arm.  It was going to be a difficult time for both of them.  Years of military training had ingrained the discipline, _grab sleep when and where you can_!

***

_The library was empty as usual.  He knew no matter where he was moved, what school he went to, the library in a school would always be empty.  It was his saving grace.  His sanctuary._

_Gently trailing his fingers along the spines of the books, Daniel inhaled deeply.  The smell of books, warm spices and briny sea breezes were always a comfort.  His ‘Linus Blanket’.  Pulling a large, dusty, leatherback book on Ancient China, he went to his dark corner of the library.  A big, squishy old leather chair waited for him.  It smelled like the chair his father would sit and read to him in._

_Snuggled deep with his legs pulled up under him, Daniel pulled his too big jacket over himself and opened his acquisition.  He knew he was supposed to be in his last class of the day, but it was gym and he hated being there.  No one would miss him anyway.  He had gotten good at sneaking into the library.  He knew when the woman that ran it would go out for a smoke and where she would look when she came back in.  He was safe until the end of school._

_His latest foster home had four kids, two of which were toddlers.  The mother was overwhelmed most of the time and the father was always on the road with work.  Amy, the third foster kid was a few years older than him, but a nice enough girl.  They seemed to get along rather well.  They went to the same high school.  Daniel would help her with her school work and she would sit with him on the bus and at lunch.  He had made it through two whole months without getting shoved, kicked, his long hair pulled or cut up or his books tossed in the fountain, since she began to walk with him in the hallways.  Daniel thought he finally had a real friend in Amy._

_They started to sneak into each other’s room and talk well into the night.  Amy was fascinated with Daniel’s life in Egypt.  She was in love with the nomadic lifestyle.  Her favorite book was On the Road by Jack Kerouac and was just waiting for her 17th birthday.  Amy had a big map on her wall with different routes marked out… all leading to San Francisco._

_Daniel was so at ease with her that he confided his feelings for someone.  He thought that she would understand.  Never in his young life could he have been more wrong._

_As he read his book, the library lights suddenly blinked off.  Daniel thought that he had lost track of time again and would end up walking home.  But before he could close his book, he was grabbed from his chair.  A dark bag was roughly pulled over his head and his arms were pulled behind him and tied.  He tried to scream out when someone punched him in the stomach._

_The next thing he knew, he was picked up and thrown over someone’s shoulder.  Squirming and kicking, Daniel tried his hardest to getaway._

_“Shut-up, faggot!” an angry voice snarled._

_He had no idea what was going on.  He couldn’t hear any voices in the hall as they carried him through the school.  Was school out?  Did he fall asleep in the library?  If that was the case, he was in deep trouble!  Suddenly, he felt his clothes being ripped off and the cold feeling of tile under his stomach.  The voices were echoing loudly so he figured that he had been taken to the gym shower room.  Maybe someone noticed that he wasn’t in gym class and was going to humiliate him because of it.  Take his clothes and make him run naked to the office._

_A few moments later, Daniel wished with all his heart, that had been the case.  The bag on his head was held tight around his throat as an excruciating pain blossomed from his small ass.  A wet finger was thrust inside him._

_“NO!” Daniel screamed and tried again to squirm away from the hands that held him down, “Please!  Let me go!  I didn’t do anything wrong!”_

_“I said… shut up, you four-eyed faggot!” the nasty voice said again.  “So, I hear you’re in love Steve… heh?  Want to have him as your boyfriend?  Okay… this is what every girl like you want to have then!  A nice long fuck!”_

_“Ready guys?” another voice said, “Steve, you first!  Since she’s in love with you, you get the honor of poppin’ that cherry.  But make sure you don’t brake him too much!”_

_The bag was ripped off Daniel’s head and he was shown the handle of a toilet plunger.  The boys had covered it in lotion.  One of the assailants lifted Daniel’s ass in the air, practically folding the youth in half, and spread his cheeks._

_“Hurry up, Steve!  Before anyone notices the gym door propped open.  Don’t want the mop-jerk walkin’ in on us!”_

_Daniel’s cries fell on deaf ears._

***

The scream that ripped from Daniel throat, belied his wired-shut mouth.  Jack vaulted off the couch, grabbing for his invisible P-90.  A two second threat assessment brought his surroundings into focus.

Daniel was on the floor fighting phantoms that were attacking him.  Jack tried to turn him over only to be kicked and punched by the flaying man.

“Daniel!  Wake-up!” he yelled and tried again to corral his friend.  “Danny, it’s me… Jack!  You’re safe!”

The pain from his broken… everything, quieted his movements enough for Jack to pull him into his lap and cradle him.

“Shhh… Danny.  Shhh, it’s okay.  You’re safe.  I won’t let anything happen to you.”

The quiet timbre of the familiar voice penetrated Daniel’s still horror filled mind and he quieted.  Opening his eyes, he focused on the man holding him.  The night terror mixed with the pain throughout his body, the broken man sobbed into his friend’s chest, clutching him for dear life.

For almost half an hour, they sat on the floor, Daniel wrapped securely in Jack’s arms.  Rocking slightly, the older man would whisper soft and comforting words into his best friend’s hair, as Daniel wept bitter tears.  When Jack felt him breath slowly, he maneuvered his friend onto the couch.  He pulled the afghan from the floor, tossed it over him and sat on the coffee table to look him over.

Pain filled eyes glanced up.  He was white as a ghost and soaked in sweat.  Jack started to stand when Daniel snagged his hand.

“‘on’k ‘eave me,” he softly pleaded.  < _Don’t leave me,_ >

Jack sat backdown and brushed his hand over the still bruised face, “I’ll never leave you, Daniel.  That is a promise!”

A knock on the front door startled Daniel and he tried to scrunch back into the couch.

“It’s okay, Danny,” Jack assured him first, then called out, “It’s open, Carter!”

As she opened the door, Daniel pulled the afghan over his head so she wouldn’t see him.  Jack patted him and stood to help bring in the groceries Sam had brought.  She caught sight of the linguist on the couch with a blanked over his head and raised an eyebrow at her CO.

 _Bad dream,_ he mouthed at her.


	3. Caring for the Walking Wounded

Jack and Sam finished bringing all the grocery bags into the kitchen and began to put things away.  This was done in silence.  When they were finished, Jack went to check on Daniel.  He was back asleep.  O’Neill motioned to Sam to meet him on the back porch as he grabbed a couple of sodas.  He left the sliding door open a bit to listen for his friend and pulled a chair over to sit.

“What happened, sir?” Sam asked softly.

Jack offered her a soda and scrubbed his hand through his hair to stall for time, trying to think on what to tell her.

“He had a nightmare, Carter.  And when we got here, just as he got outta the truck, the next-door neighbor kid missed his catch and a football hit the truck right beside him.”  Jack took a drink of his soda and grimly smiled, “You’da been proud of how fast he hit the deck, Carter.  Too bad it was all for nothing.”

Sam sat down and sipped her cola, deep in thought.  She was very concerned about her friend.  She had never seen him as withdrawn as he was after the attack.

“Sir,” she said softly, “is Daniel going to be okay?  When I was with him in the infirmary, he seemed… off.  Like he’d given up on everything.”

“What’da mean?” he asked, fishing for what she was thinking.

“I’ve seen people that have given up.  The look in their eyes.  One of my best friends in college committed suicide after years of depression… Daniel has that same look now.  I’m really worried.”

Jack hung his head.  What could he say?  Sam was Daniel’s friend too.  “I can’t… I can’t discuss this with you, Carter.  It’s his business.”

“ _‘His business’_?  Sir, this is not just _‘his business’_.  We’re a team.  A, a… a family.  Teal’c and I are as much a part of this as you are.  Daniel… Daniel is like my brother and I want, no, I _need_ to be here for him.”

Jack put his soda can down and leaned back in his chair.  He gazed up into the evening sky and watched as a flock of Canada geese flying south.  How was he going to approach this without jeopardizing the trust that Daniel put in him?

In a quiet voice, he asked, “Have you ever seen a soldier with _severe_ PTSD?”

She shook her head no.  All the combat that she had seen was from 25,000 feet.  Most of her military friends were pilots also or pentagon pencil pushers.  She remembered her dad talking about soldiers with ‘shell-shock’, but she really hadn’t experienced it first-hand.  At least, not severe cases.

O’Neill let out a long breath and turned his focus to his 2IC.  “I’ve seen guys that shake so bad they can’t hold a fork or a pen.  Some guys would go into hysterics at the smallest ‘pop’ sound.  My buddy from the first Gulf war would fly into a rage if he smelled gasoline or smoke from a firecracker.

“Ferretti and me were at a buddy’s house one night shortly after my last tour.  I knew that he was having some problems adjusting, but he seemed to have his shit together.  I was happy that he was back with his family. 

“It was his first 4th of July at home when the next-door neighbor decided to shoot a bunch of bottle rockets off.  One of them landed on the ground next to us then exploded.  It was an accident, but it hurt Andy’s daughter.  He jumped the fence and beat the kid senseless.  By the time Ferretti and I pulled him off, the kid was laying in the grass with a K-bar sticking out of his chest.  When Andy saw what he did, he freaked and ran into his house, yelling that he didn’t mean to do that.

“I was holding the father of the boy back as Ferretti called the cops and tried to stop the bleeding.  Next thing we knew, there was a gun blast from Andy’s house.  He ate his gun.  The boy lived, but neither family was ever the same.”

Jack stood and walked over to the railing of his porch and leaned on it for a moment.  When he began to speak again, it was in a soft, choked voice.  “When Charlie… when Charlie died, it was like having tunnel vision.  I couldn’t see anything but his lifeless body and the gun… _my_ gun by his side.  Any time Sara would try to touch me, I felt like I was being electrocuted over and over and over.  When she would say his name, I couldn’t help but fly into a rage.  Sara looked so much like him that I couldn’t let her near without pain numbing every part of me.  I hated her.  I hated myself.  I hated life.”

Carter went to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.  With a sad smile, Jack took her hand in his, he swallowed hard the feelings that were being stirred up.  “For months, my gun was in my hand pointed at my head for hours at a time.  Sam, I wouldn’t be here now, if the Air Force hadn’t come knocking on my door for a ‘suicide mission’.  And even then, the only reason I _am_ here is because of a scrawny, long haired, sneezing geek, that somehow pulled me back from the very edge and showed me that my life was worth fighting for.

“Daniel is wonderful at showing everyone around him how much they are valued _and_ loved _and_ needed.  But when it comes to those feelings for himself, he just can’t seem to see them.  This attack was brutal on its own, but I’m afraid that it has resurrected the memories of things that happened a long time ago.  Things he’s never dealt with.  He’s so good at compartmentalizing that he can fool himself into believing that he’s A-OK, when really…”

“He’s a wreck waiting to happen,” Sam offered.

“Yeah.  And just like Daniel was there for me, I’m gonna be here for him.  I need to be.  He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  He’s my lifeline.”

They were quiet for a while.  Sam shivered in the cooling night air.

“I’m going to head out,” she said.  “Sir, please let Teal’c and me help out with Daniel.  Whatever we can do.  It would mean a lot to both of us.  Even if it’s just getting the groceries or coming over to sit with him and give you a break.”

Standing also, Jack nodded, “Yeah, okay.  Let me get him a little steadier first.”

She smiled and nodded.  “I’m gonna go around so I don’t disturb him.  Let me know if you need anything else from the store.”

“Thanks, Sam.”

***

Jack quietly entered the house and locked the door behind him.  He rummaged around the kitchen getting some supper ready for he and his wounded charge.  Going back into his bedroom, he retrieved the lockbox and decided it would be more convenient to have in the kitchen.  He would put it up high so Daniel wouldn’t be able to reach it.  As the soup simmered, he went and locked the front door also.  Then he pulled out an ice pack for Daniel, and went to wake him up.  The man was quietly whimpering in his sleep.

“Hey,” Jack said softly, “Danny, it’s time for some dinner.”

The linguist stirred sleepily.  A hitch caught in Jack’s throat when his friend opened his dull and flat eyes.  This was not the Daniel he knew and loved.  This was a mere shell of that man.  He couldn’t believe how much it hurt to see him like this.

Trying to paste a smile on his face, Jack helped his friend sit up.  Moving the coffee table out of the way, Jack had the footrest pop out from the couch and handed Daniel the ice pack for his groin.  Ruffling his hair, he went to get the hot soup for him.

He ladled some of the hot broth into a mug, figuring that it would be easier for Daniel to hold, and dropped one ice cube in it to cool some.  Lastly, adding a straw, Jack took the meal to his friend.

“Here ya go!” he said cheerfully.  “Eat it all up.  Make you big and strong.”

Daniel glared at him.  Painfully he tried to speak, “Wha’ iv ‘iv?” _< What is this?>_

Jack’s eyebrow quirked up for a second while he tried to decipher what was said.  Then it dawned on him, “what is it?  It’s chicken broth.  Good for the soul.”

“No’ hung’y,” _< Not hungry,>_ he said as he went to put it down.

O’Neill caught his hand and gently pushed the mug back at him.  “You gotta eat, Daniel.  Better on your stomach for the meds if you have something in there.  Besides, millions of Jewish mothers can’t be wrong.  Now eat!”

Daniel sighed deeply and proceeded to put the straw in his mouth and sip the broth.  It was very good and he _was_ hungry.  As he sipped his soup, he thought about the bottle of morphine he had stolen from the infirmary.  Maybe later tonight he would take them all.  He looked around the room and realized that his duffle bag was gone.

“’ack, where iv my bag?” he asked.  < _Jack, where is my bag?_ >

Jack put his soup bowl down and looked at him, he replied, “I put everything away in your room.  Why?”

Daniel went pale.  Did Jack find the pills then?  Did he take them away?  He didn’t want to let on that something was in the bag that he wasn’t supposed to have, so he shook his head and let it drop.

Jack watched him, waiting for either the tirade of anger or mumble of apology for having the drugs, but neither came.  He decided not to push it for now.  He stood up and took the empty dishes back into the kitchen.

When he finished cleaning up, he crushed Daniel’s medicine and mixed them into some chocolate pudding.  Taking the dessert back to his friend, he geared himself up for resistance.  At first, Daniel was delighted with the treat, then gave Jack a suspicious look.

“Meds?” he asked.

“Yes, Daniel, your meds in mixed in.  No arguments or I’ll take you back to Doc Frasier.  Capisce?”

He glared at him, but was in no shape to resist.  Besides, it was chocolate.  After the medication was gone, Jack stood up and held his hand out to Daniel.

“Danny,” he said gently.  “come on, let’s get you clean and bedded down.”

Shaking his head, no, Daniel opened the laptop again and punched out, **“I do not need to be babied!  I can clean myself!”**

“Sure, you can.  With a cast from fingertips to armpit, ribs wrapped up and unsteady on your feet…” Jack said with a smirk.

**“I do not need you to give me a bath!  Just let me go to bed!”**

Jack took the laptop away and carefully pulled him off the couch, “You’re ripe, Daniel.  We’re gonna get you clean.  You’ll feel better too.”

With a strong arm gently wrapped around Daniel’s waist, Jack ushered him to his room.  He placed the laptop on the nightstand and turned to help the wounded man to undress.  Slowly he took off the sling, then with gentle hands carefully got his shirt over his head.  Jack unwrapped his ribs, sighing at the myriad of colors that graced his friend’s torso.

“You got shorts on under your scrubs?”

Daniel shook his head no, a slight blush creeping up his neck.  He tried to protest again, but Jack wouldn’t take no for an answer.  He slid the pants down, trying to be discreetly oblivious.  Tapping on a foot for him to lift, he took his sock off, then the other one.  He pulled a garbage bag out of his back pocket and proceed to cover the casted arm.  The last thing to remove were his glasses, which were laid on the nightstand next to the computer.

“Come on,” Jack urged him into the bathroom and closed the door.

As Daniel took a much-needed leak, the other man brought the water up to a warm temp.  He was glad that his shower head was one that could pull down.  Much easier to control where the water was going.  It took no time at all to have the room nice and toasty.

“Just step in and hold onto the washcloth bar.  It’s sturdy and will help you stay upright.  I’ll do the rest.”

Rolling his eyes, Daniel did as coached, grumbling unintelligibility under his breath.  As the water sluiced down his back, he couldn’t help but close his eyes and sigh in relief.  There was no denying it, he did stink and this really felt good on his battered body.  Jack gently soaped up a cloth and ran it over Daniel’s shoulders and back.  He then started on the front, making sure not to rub too hard on his busted ribs.  After rinsing off the top, Jack tapped his friends face to get his attention.

“I’m gonna do the bottom half now, Danny.  Okay?”

If it didn’t hurt so bad, he would have clenched his jaw, but as it was, he just closed his eyes again and gave a sharp nod.

 _Wonderful!_ Daniel thought sullenly, _the one man that I’ve been in love with for years, is now washing my junk.  This is so humiliating!_

As the soapy cloth began to manipulate his groin, he started a mantra, _don’t get hard, don’t get hard!_   But the more he thought it, the tougher it was to stop.  Thankfully, Jack turned his focus to the backside and Daniel dropped his hand over his crotch.

“Danny, hold onto the bar.  I’m not looking… it’s okay.”

That soft reassurance broke him, and he started to sob, “I’m ‘orry… I’m ‘orry…”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jack said, “it’s okay.  I understand.”

“No, oo ‘eawy ‘on’k!” _< No, you really don’t!>_ Daniel tried to say.

Jack rinsed him off again and soothed, “I really do, Danny.  And it’s alright.  The heart wants what the heart wants, no matter how much we try to tell it different.  I wasn’t just humoring you when I said I was flattered to have your affection.  It really means a lot to me.  And doing this for you, it’s my way of showing you how much you mean to me too.”

Daniel almost slumped to the floor of the tub with those kind words.  He just couldn’t take the compassion Jack was showing him.  In his mind, he didn’t even deserve it.

Jack held him steady, murmuring soothing words and encouragement.  When his best friend got his feet back under him, Jack decided to forgo washing his hair.  They would tackle that in the morning.  Helping him out of the tub, Jack dried him off and wrapped him in one of his own soft robes.  They went back into the bedroom and Daniel sat on the bed while his ribs were rewrapped.   Making him stand up, Jack helped get a pair of soft boxers on and then pulled the covers back, aided him in laying down and got him all tucked in.

The older man pulled a chair over and leveled a gaze at his friend.  “I’m right in the next room, as you know.  I don’t care what time it is, or what you need, you call me.  I’m gonna turn the laptop’s volume up as high as it will go and believe me, I will hear it.  Okay?”

Daniel dejectedly nodded his acquiescence.  With a firm nod, Jack got up to leave the room.

“’ack,” a faint voice called to him, “’ank oo!” _< Jack, thank you!>_

Jack smiled fondly, “Anytime, Danny.”  As he started to close the door, he paused, “Want me to read you a bed time story?”

The multi-linguist answered with one finger.

***

_It was pitch black and stifling hot.  Daniel had no idea where he was or what was happening.  He jerked suddenly when he felt someone or something brush his shoulder.  That was when he realized he was naked… alone… and scared._

_“Jack?” he called out in a panic._

_He was hit from behind.  The blow sent him to his knees._

_“Who’s there?” Daniel shouted and wrapped his arms around his knees, making himself as small as he could.  His voice sound strange.  Younger.  “What’s going on?  Where am I?”_

_His arms were abruptly pulled from his tight position and were stretched out.  Then his legs were yanked back and he was held down, spread eagle._

_“STOP!” he tried to yell, “Jack, help me!”_

_Daniel was hit again with a dizzying blow.  Kicks and punches rained down on him.  He felt warm liquid stream over him and knew by the smell it was piss.  He could hear the evil laughter and voices coming from all around him._

_“Your boyfriend can’t help you now, homo!”_

_“Smear the queer!”_

_“Faggot!”_

_“Only good queer is a dead queer!”_

_The beating intensified and then suddenly stopped.  Weeping softly, Daniel felt a weight come down hard on his back as a knee was pressed into his spine, grinding his genitals to the ground painfully.  The laughter grew louder.  He felt his hips being lifted.  The fingers pressing hard into his flesh._

_“Hold’em still!  Time to deflower this little queen!”_

_A scream ripped from his throat as he felt his ass split with penetration._

***

Jack was in Daniel’s room in a fraction of a second.  He had heard the laptop crashing to the floor and his friend wrestling with his blankets as he tried to scream.

“Danny, Danny!” he said as grappled with the thrashing man.  “Danny, it’s a dream.  You’re okay!  I’m here.”

Daniel clutched onto Jack and hung on for dear life.  Choking and panting he cried into his friend’s shoulder.  The older man petted his hair, shushing him gently.  When Jack realized that his breathing was becoming very labored, he tried to extract himself from the tight grip so he could get Daniel a sedative.

“Daniel,” he said softly, “let me go and get you your meds.  You need help to breath.  You’re gonna choke with all the phlegm goin’ down your throat”

Daniel wouldn’t let him go.  Jack was his lifeline.  The only one that could chase the phantoms away.

“It’ll only take me a second, buddy.”

Slowly, he let go, as he gasped through his wired shut teeth.  He was getting dizzy with the lack of oxygen.  O’Neill was gone and back before he knew it.  With wide and panic filled eyes, he watched his friend ready the syringe with the sedative.  Daniel offered his arm, he was so desperate to settle down.  Jack then shook the inhaler that Frasier had also sent home with them, for just this kind of case.

After the drugs were administered, Jack had Daniel lay back and got a warm cloth to wipe his friend’s face.  When he sat back down, the younger man reached for his arm and clutched it tightly.  It took a long time for him to finally calm down.

Jack noticed the miserable blue eyes begin to droop and asked, “You okay now?  Ready to go back to sleep?”

“Will oo ‘ay wiff me?” _< Will you stay with me?>_ Daniel croaked out.

Jack smiled, “Sure.  I’ll stay until you’re back to sleep.”

Daniel shook his head no, and patted the other side of the bed.  It really wasn’t big enough for two grown men to be comfortable, but Jack saw the pain and panic in his eyes.  With a slight smile, he stood up and helped his friend to also rise.

“Let’s move this to my bed.  It’s bigger.”

Nodding his head, he let Jack maneuver him into the other room and got him bedded down again.

“’on’k ‘eave me,” _< Don’t leave me,>_ Daniel pleaded with his friend. 

“I won’t leave you, Danny.  Promise.”

When they were both under the blankets and snuggled in, Daniel rested his hand on Jack’s arm and closed his eyes, feeling secure enough to let sleep overtake him.

Jack laid with one hand pillowed behind his head and stared at the dark ceiling.  It was a strange feeling to have another man in his bed, even though they bunk together all the time on missions.  However, this was _his_ bed.  Kind of an inner sanctum that wasn’t meant to be shared… at least not with a guy.  That had him thinking even more.  How did he feel about that?  About not only having a guy in his bed, but a gay one at that.  This was Daniel though.  The one person he would do anything for.  Sharing his bed with his broken and shattered friend should be a no brainer for him. 

He turned his head and watched Daniel as he slept.   It seemed the sedative was working at keeping the dreams away for the time being.  As the moon light shown on the still bruised face, Jack really looked at him.  He _was_ very handsome, as guys go.  Soft features, almost perfectly symmetrical.  It was Daniel’s eyes that really struck Jack.  They always had.  Like looking into fathomless pools that were a mix of knowledge and innocence.  An innocence that he hadn’t seen since Daniel had returned to the land of the living.  And then there were his lips.  Full and pouty, the kind he actually loved in a woman.  But Daniel was no woman!  He was all man.  Hard muscles, a good height, firm and steady.  Even his smell was masculine.  A strange flutter erupted in Jack’s belly.  One he hadn’t felt in a very long time.  One that never came when he was thinking of a man.

Jack felt Daniel’s hand fist in his sweatshirt sleeve and move a bit closer to him.  The younger man really needed to have the strength that Jack had to offer to keep him safe in his sleep. 

He listened to Daniel’s breathing deepen and knew his friend was truly asleep.  He could sneak out and move to the couch.  But he promised to stay with him.  And Jack was always true to his word.  Besides, this felt comfortable.  Natural even.  What the hell was going on with him?

Chalking it up to exhaustion, Jack tried to go back to sleep, only to be haunted with strange dreams.  Dreams of his friend.  Dreams of love.  Dreams that had to stay that… dreams.

***

Morning came much too soon for Jack’s liking.  As consciousness stirred him, he found that Daniel was still clutching his arm tightly.  Trying to extract himself from the grip without waking his friend was difficult, but he really needed to go to the head.

Ever so gently, Jack managed to get out of bed without waking his sleeping charge.  After relieving himself, he got a quick shower and returned to the bedroom to find Daniel still asleep.  Padding into the kitchen, Jack made some coffee and eggs.  He dumped some of the scrambled eggs into a blender, added some cheese and bacon bits and mixed it up into a sickly yellow shake.  Then he mixed in Daniel’s crushed medication and took the coffee and egg-shake back into the bedroom.  Daniel was beginning to stir as he entered.

“Hey there, sleepyhead,” Jack said cheerfully.  “I brought you some breakfast.  I know it doesn’t look like much, but it’ll be good for you.”

Daniel raised his eyebrows at him with a disgusted expression on his face, judging the nasty looking shake.  Without hesitation, he reached for the mug of coffee.  Jack pulled it out of his reach, knowing that it was his leverage to get him to ‘eat’ the eggs first.

“Aht!  This first, then you can have your coffee,” he bribed.

“’aaaaack!” the other man whined at him.  Seeing he wasn’t going to get his way, Daniel took the egg-shake.

“Atta boy!” Jack smiled and placed a straw into the glass.

Daniel took a sip.  It wasn’t as bad as it looked, and he drank it all quickly.  He wanted his coffee.  When he finished it down, Jack handed him the reward, complete with straw.  Humming happily, his eyes slid closed with enjoyment of his drug of choice.

Jack went and dished up his own breakfast and took it back to sit with his friend.  When they were finished, the older man listed what they were going to do today.

“First, I’m gonna wash your hair and get you shaved,” he said, then looked at Daniel skeptically, “Do you trust me to shave you?”

With a shy smile, Daniel nodded to him.

“Great!  After that, I’m gonna get you all settled in your chair, AND give you the greatest gift I know of… the t.v. remote.”

Daniel couldn’t help but roll his eyes and give a little smile.

Jack continued, “we’ll just be taking it easy today.  Janet will be dropping by later to check on you.  I’m also going to have Carter buzz over to your place and grab some of your cloths and a few books to keep you busy.  No work though, General Hammond already told me that.”

With a small grumble, Daniel nodded his acceptance of the day’s schedule.  With all the meds he was on, he figured he be asleep most of the day anyhow. 

Jack helped him to the kitchen and sat him down at the table backwards.  He brought a large bowl over and a pitcher of warm water.  Daniel leaned back as far as his ribs would allow and closed his eyes.  The water was nice as it flowed over his head.  Jack lathered him up good and rinsed him off.  He toweled his hair dry and combed it.  Changing out the water, he came back to the table and turned Daniel to face him.  With a very gentle touch, Jack shaved his friend’s face with no nicks.

“Hey, I’m pretty good at this!” the older man crowed when he was finished.

Daniel smiled at his pride and felt his face.  Nice and smooth, just how he liked it.  Jack reached out a hand and helped him up.  They shuffled into the living room and Jack had his friend sit in the over-stuffed, comfortable leather recliner.  He disappeared for a moment, then came back with an ice pack and the laptop.  Daniel groaned at the ice pack, but took it and placed it on his groin.  Jack then brought over the afghan and tucked it around his waist.  With the air of presenting him the Crown Jewels, Jack handed Daniel the t.v. remote and bowed.  The wounded archeologist chuckled at his antics.  He was really trying to make him comfortable and Daniel felt his love.

The older man then went back and began putzing around in the kitchen, Daniel turned the t.v.  on.  He soon found the History Channel and settled back in his chair.  His mind wasn’t on the program though, it was on Jack.  At how he was making such an effort to care for him.

Daniel started thinking that maybe, _just maybe_ , he would be able to get through this.  He’d already been through a lot, this was just one more thing to overcome.  It really seemed that Jack didn’t care that he was in love with him.  He certainly didn’t show any signs of disgust or resentment at caring for him.  As he considered this, his medication had him asleep again within the hour.

***

_The halls of the SGC were crowded with people.  Daniel looked at them confused.  They seemed to be all Marines… and big.  He tried to push his way to his office, but the soldiers kept knocking him backwards or into the walls._

_They would snarl, “Outta the way, fag…”_

_“Look where you’re going, queer…”_

_Where are all the airmen? Daniel wondered as he continued to try and reach his office.  Why were there so many fucking jar-heads here?_

_Turning a corner, he stopped short.  There were lockers on both sides of the hall and the painted cement floor was now off-white tile.  It was bright with florescent lighting, not the single bulb lighting that the base had.  What the fuck was going on?  At least there weren’t any people in this hall._

_Taking a tentative step, Daniel searched for answers.  Where was he?  Suddenly a loud bell rang out and the doors on either side of the hall burst open with teenagers pouring out.  They stopped moving as soon as they saw the man standing there.  Abruptly they all started laughing and pointing at him.  Daniel looked around first, then down at himself and saw that he was half-naked with the word ‘queer’ carved into his chest.  Blood dripped down from each letter.  He tried to rub the word away when two big Marines pulled his arms behind him and forced him to move forward.  The kids were taunting and spitting at him cruelly._

_“STOP!! LET ME GO!!” he cried out trying to break free._

_The soldiers pushed him in a room and shoved him to his knees.  When he looked up, he was in a military courtroom.  Dark, oak paneling on the walls, hardwood floors, a gallery full of Airmen and Marines.  Most where people Daniel knew from the SGC, including his friends and teammates.  No one turned to look at him, their focus on the front of the room._

_“Sam…” he whispered, trying to get her attention.  “Sam, help me.”_

_She never even looked his way.  Teal’c was sitting next to her, face focused with a scowl._

_“Teal’c, what’s going on?  Can you get these guys off me?  Teal’c?  TEAL’C!!”_

_Still, no one would move to look at him or acknowledge his presence.  Fear began to choke him.  Daniel began to shake uncontrollably.  Why weren’t his friends helping him?_

_A line of stern looking men sat behind a long table.  Daniel saw Colonel Simmons and Senator Kinsey walk out and take their place front and center.  When they were seated, Jack stood at attention in his dress blues before them._

_“Colonel Jonathan O’Neill, this hearing has been convened to assess your integrity and whether or not you may retain your rank of Colonel in The United States Air Force.  We will also address your ability to be a team-leader for SG-1 and the 2IC of the SGC,” Senator Kinsey said with an evil grin._

___“I_ _understand, sir,” his voice sharp and strong._

_“Are you now or have you ever been in a homosexual relationship with this man?” Colonel Simmons asked._

_Jack turned and for the first time since Daniel was pushed onto his knees, flanked by two Marines, did anyone else look at him.  Jack turned back to the tribunal, squared his shoulders and said, “I have never had a homosexual relationship with this man or any other man.  The very thought makes my skin crawl!”_

_Kinsey spoke with utter glee in his voice, “Do you plan on having a homosexual relationship with this queer?”_

_Again, the questioned man turned to Daniel.  Jack smirked when he saw blue eyes full of pain staring back at him._

_“Jack… please…” he bagged with tears streaming down his face._

_O’Neill gave him a look of disgust, and turned away, “I am an Untied States Air Force Colonel.  I have spent most of my life honoring the oath I took.  Nothing will stand in the way of my career with the Air Force, sir.”_

_“Jack?” the bound man pleaded.  “But you told me that you loved me, that you would always be there for me.  You said that… that it didn’t matter that I was… that I was gay.  I thought we were at the very least, friends?!”_

_“Yeah, this whole friendship thing we've been working on in the last few years is… apparently not much of a foundation there, huh?”  he snarled, then turning back to the questioner.  Jack replied, “Never in a million years would I fuck that man.  He’s a nuisance, a whinner and a pest that can’t keep his emotions in check, or follow my orders.  9 times outta 10 he is the cause for missions that goes FUBAR.  I will never risk my career over that pansy geek.  Do what you want with him… I wash my hands.”_

_“JACK!!  You promised you were okay with me.  Why are you doing this?” Daniel called as he was dragged out of the room into the high school hall.  There, three seniors with letterman jackets and the four punks that had beat him in the parking lot stood waiting for their victim.  As the poundings commenced, Daniel saw Jack step out of the courtroom, look at him for a split second, repugnance written on his face, then turned to leave._

_“ **JACK** …” Daniel cried out as darkness overwhelmed him.  In the blackness, he heard the familiar voice of his so-called friend._

_“Do you really think I’d love someone like you?  Fucking homo!  I wish you’d stayed dead!”_

_Then there was nothing but pain._

***

A scream ripped from Daniel’s throat as he jumped up and tried to fight his way out of the tangle of blanket that had covered him.  He raced to the door to run away from the lingering images.  Tripping up the step that lead into the sunken living room of Jack’s house, he sprawled on the floor, panting and weeping.  His lungs just couldn’t draw enough breath.

Jack flew into the room from the backyard and slid to a stop beside his friend.  The wild eyes and strangled screams ripped at his heart as he tried to get the terrified man under control.

“Daniel!” he shouted to get the man to see where he was and who was with him, “Danny, it’s okay, I’m here.  Take it easy.  It’s me!  The nightmare is over.  You’re safe.”

“No’ ‘afe.  No’ ok!” _< Not safe.  Not okay!>_ he whimpered into Jack’s chest.

Jack hugged him close and rubbed his back gently.  “You _are_ safe, Danny.  I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“No! ‘oo ate me!! I know ‘hif!!” < _No!  You hate me!! I know it!!_ > Daniel choked out as he tried to push Jack away again.

“Don’t hate you, Daniel.  Never have… never will.”

The older man felt his friend shaking uncontrollably in his arms, he carefully helped him to his feet and back to the recliner.  He sat next to Daniel, holding him with one hand as he pulled the inhaler out of his pocket with the other.  He shook it before handing the small blue item to him.  Daniel couldn’t even hold the small bottle.  Jack took it back and held it for him.  His breathing was still rough, but at least he was getting air.  Daniel was still wild eyed and had a sheen of sweat covering his face, his shirt clung to his damp chest.

Jack reached over and opened the laptop, pulling up the program that spoke for his friend.  He handed it to Daniel.

“What was the dream?” the older man asked quietly.

Daniel just stared at the keyboard for a long time.  He really didn’t want to talk about it.  It didn’t help that the dream Jack said the same thing as the real Jack did a few years ago, _‘_ _Apparently not much of a foundation.’_ Looking up to Jack, he knew that he would have to say something.  The other man had that no-nonsense expression on his face.

“Do not want to talk about it.”

“You need to talk about it, Danny.  It’s the only way you can come to terms with what’s happened to you.”

“I am fine.”

Jack snorted, “No! you’re not!!  Danny, I’ve seen what PTSD can do to a person.  I’ve been through it myself as you well know!”

Daniel rolled his eyes and furiously pounded the keypad, “I DO NOT HAVE PTSD!  Now leave me alone!”

He tried to toss the computer onto the couch, but Jack caught it and shoved it back onto his lap.

“Daniel, you can’t sleep for more than an hour without having nightmares unless you’re heavily medicated.  Your eyes are dull and listless.  The fight has gone out of you.  Please… talk to me.”

Closing his eyes, Daniel fought the demons that were tearing at him.  He could feel their sharp claws wrapping around his throat, jagged teeth ripping at his heart.  Behind his eyes, he could see the hatred on the faces of the punks that attacked him.  The vile stares of the high schoolers that raped him.  Every Marine on base that whisper gay slurs when Jack or Teal’c weren’t around.  The ones that would harass him mercilessly when he would go into the workout room.  He never told Jack about them, only chose to work out when he or his big Jaffa friend was with him.

The images of his last nightmare surfaced.  The anger and hatred on Jack’s face as he beat him and spat homophobic slurs.  What should he believe, the Jack that was here and caring for him, the one that was holding his hand, and keeping him safe?  Or should he believe the one that yelled and belittled him when Daniel didn’t agree with his militaristic point of view?  Opening his eyes, he saw the compassion on Jack’s face, and felt his liquid breakfast threatening to make a reappearance.

“I’m go’a be ‘ick!” _< I’m gonna to be sick!> _he said as he tried to get up. 

Jack grabbed the small waist can from beside the couch and had Daniel lean forward over the bin.

“Just let it come out, buddy.  It’s all liquid anyway,” Jack said as he rubbed Daniel’s back.

As the retching racked his body with pain, Daniel couldn’t breathe again.  He panicked.  Putting his fingers in his mouth he tried to rip out the wires that held it close.

“Stop, Danny!”

“‘hak ‘em ou’, ‘ack!  p’ees!” _ <Take them out, Jack!  Please!>_ he pleaded. 

Jack ran into the kitchen and got the wire cutters from the lockbox that Janet sent home with him in case of emergencies.  He was back in seconds and carefully clipping the wires.  Daniel gasped for air as soon as his jaw could open.  The pain was dizzying and his peripheral vision began to black out.

“Easy, Daniel.  Slow deep breathes,” Jack said, rubbing his back again.

It took a long time to get his friend to calm down enough to set him back in the recliner.  Jack sat next to him and pulled out his cell phone.

“Hey, Doc,” he said into the phone, “Can you come out here sooner rather than later?  I had to cut the wires out.” There was a pause, then he answered, “I know, I know!  But he couldn’t breathe and had to puke.  Yeah, okay- I’ll see you in an hour.”

Jack turned his attention back to his friend, “Frasier will be here soon.  You want some of you pain meds?”

With a drained look, Daniel nodded.  As Jack rose to his feet, he reached out to stop him, “I’m ‘orry, ‘ack.” _< I’m sorry, Jack.>_

Kneeling down beside him, Jack put his hand on Daniel’s cheek, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Daniel.  What you went through, _all_ that you’ve been through, it’s not your fault.  _None_ of this is your fault.”

Tears slid down his face as he nibbled on his bottom lip.  He couldn’t take it anymore.  And the compassion that was being offered was just too much for him to handle.  With the smallest voice, he murmured, “P’ees, ‘ack, ‘ek me go.  ‘ek me go home an’ ‘ake care of my’elf.” _< Please, Jack, let me go.  Let me go home and take care of myself.>_

“That’s not gonna happen, Danny,” he replied.  “I love you too much to see you do something… permanent.  You have too many friends for you to even think about such things.  And yes, I do know what is going through your head right now.”

“How?  How ‘he he’ow ‘oulg’ you ‘ow?” _ <How?  How the hell could you know?>_ he snarled. 

“Because I’ve seen that look in your eyes before.”

Daniel gaped at him, unsure of what he was referring too.

With a sad sigh, Jack moved his hand to hold his friend’s tightly.  He began, “on the balcony of your apartment a few years back.  Even though it was because of the stupid snakehead light thingy, I saw you struggling with more than just that.  And now, what I see in those… beautiful blue eyes of yours, the same pain, sorrow, and hopelessness.  It’s a gut-wrenching déjà vu, Danny.

“I’m here for you.  I’m gonna stay here for you and get you through this.  You are my best friend and the only one that can keep me honest.  We well get through this together.  Sam and Teal’c too.  We are all here for you, Daniel Jackson.  You’re _not_ alone.  Not like when you were little.  Your family is here.”

Silent tears flowed down his face as a low keening erupted from his ravaged throat.  He felt that his heart was tearing in two.  One side was full of love for his friends and the other was pounding with the hate of who he was, what he wanted to do… and with whom that he was in love with.

He was so tired.  When a tap on his shoulder drew his attention, he saw that Jack had gotten his pain meds and something he assumed was a sedative in one hand and a glass of water in the other.  Taking them without argument, he looked up into his friend’s kind face.

“Cam I go oo my bek p’ees?” _< Can I go to my bed please?>_

Jack smiled, “sure.  It’ll be an hour or so before Janet gets here.”

He helped the wounded man to his feet and got him into his room.  Jack stayed with him until the pills took him off to what he hoped was the land of dreamless sleep.  He watched his friend with emotions that he had never acknowledged before.  Ones that were confusing him.  His care for Daniel was always strong, but now it seemed that with Daniel’s confession of love for Jack, something inside of him was stirring also.  Something, he wasn’t sure what to do with.


	4. Way Down We Go

Jack opened the door with a relived sigh.  “Janet,” he said, “I’m glad you could come so soon.”

“What happened?” she asked in a no-nonsense tone.

“His nightmares are really getting bad,” he told her as he ushered her into the house.  “This last one had him tossing his cookies and I was afraid he would choke to death, so I cut the wires out.  He can barely breath sometimes after a dream.  I hate using so many sedatives on him, but it’s the only time he actually sleeps.”

The doctor sighed heavily and said, “I was afraid of that.  I called the oral surgeon on my way here and he said that if we bring him to the hospital he would be able to put a plate on the brake so that his mouth doesn’t need to be wired.  I’m thinking that would be the best for Daniel.”

“Will he be in the hospital for very long?” Jack asked.

“A few days.”

“Do you think he’ll be okay there?”

Janet leveled a hard gaze at him, “Has he tried anything?”

“No, but I can see it in his eyes.  He’s a real mess, Doc.  I haven’t seen him like this since he was hooked on the sarcophagus and the Goa’uld light thing.”

“Outstanding!” Janet expressed with a mix of anger and worry.  “I’ll make sure to tell the nurses to have him on suicide watch.”

Jack looked at her somewhat surprised and said, “I don’t know if I’d go that far.  He’s just… I don’t know…”  He moved away for a moment and scrubbed his hand through his hair.  Turning back, he shrugged, “yeah, maybe that’s a good idea.” 

Janet patted him on the arm with a sympathetic look, “I know you don’t want to believe he could be like that, Colonel, but it’s better safe than sorry.  Let’s go and take a look at our patient.”

As they entered the room, Daniel was stirring awake.  When he saw Janet Fraiser, he groaned.

“Nice to see you, too!” she said with a smirk.  “Be nice to me, Dr.  Jackson, I come with good news.”

Painfully, he sat up and rubbed his eyes.  After placing his glasses on his nose, he tried to smile.  “I gek oo go home?” _< I get to go home?>_ His words slurred but at least he could talk without his jaw wired shut.  It still hurt like hell to move it though.

“Why in god’s name are you so insistent in going back to that flee-bitten rooms-by-the-month hotel?  Don’t you like my place?” Jack pouted at him.

Janet rolled her eyes and opened her doctor bag, saying, “Sorry, Daniel, but we’re going to take you to the hospital…” she held up a hand to stop his tirade, “to have your jaw worked on.  We’re going to put a plate in and that way you won’t have to have it wired.  You’ll be able to eat, soft food still, and even talk a little better.  How’s that sound?”

He looked over to Jack and saw the grin on his face, he said, “’hak ‘oun’ goo’!  I ‘ike oo be abull oo ‘peak,” _< That sounds good!  I like to be able to speak.> _he grimaced at his inarticulate speech.  “Whe’ oo we go?” _< When do we go?> _Daniel asked.

Jack interpreted for the doctor when she looked uncertain with what the linguist said. 

Nodded her head, Janet pulled out her penlight and a tongue depressor, “After I give you a quick once-over.  Open up.”

He opened his mouth as far as he could without pain overwhelming him.  Daniel fisted the blanket trying to keep from letting the renewed nausea cause dry heaves.

“Well, your tongue looks like it’s healing rather nicely.  I’m sure that Dr.  Dames will be happy.  He did the initial work on your mouth and will be doing this surgery as well.  When the swelling goes down some more, I’m sure your speech will improve.”

“Will I be abull oo ‘alk ‘ike’ ‘oomal whe’ ‘hif’f he’oh?” _< Will I be able to talk like normal when it’s healed?>_

Janet looked down for a moment after Jack relayed the question.  She didn’t want to crush his hopes.  “Daniel,” she said in a soft voice, “with an injury like this, it’s very rare for _full_ use of the tongue to come back.  You will have to see a speech therapist to recover some of the harder sounds, but you will be able to talk.”

Daniel’s shoulders slumped and he dropped his head.  How the hell was he supposed to function as a linguist without his tongue working properly?  Just one more thing to add to his list of reasons why he just didn’t matter anymore.  Why would they even need him on SG-1?  At least if he was in the hospital, he may be able to sneak out and go home the consider his increasingly narrowing options.

Seeing his reaction, Janet tried to cheer him up.  “On the brighter side, when we get to the hospital, we’ll take this huge cast off your arm and fit a more mobile splint-cast on.  You may be able to write a little then.”

With a weary sigh, he tried to smile.  “Grea’,” _< Great>_ he said softly.  That would make typing on the laptop a bit easier.

Janet began to feel around his ribs, making him groan in pain.

“Sorry, Daniel,” she murmured.  “the swelling has gone down.  It’ll be sore for a long time though.  I know you’ve been down this road before.  Why don’t you get dressed and we will go to the hospital when you’re ready, okay?”

Janet left the room and Jack helped his wounded friend to stand.  He pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a button-down shirt and helped him dress.  With Jack’s arm around his waist, they moved into the living room.  He draped Daniel’s jacket over his shoulders and the three of them went out to Jack’s truck.

The ride to the Academy hospital was quiet.  Only Jack and Dr. Frasier spoke.  Daniel watched out the window, debating on how to extract himself from the hospital without anyone seeing him.  He was glad to be out of Jack’s house, not really wanting to cause any more pain for him to live through.

Was he being selfish?  Daniel knew that they would be disappointed in him, but the pain was just too much to bare anymore.  He was tired.  Tired of the fight, the nightmares, the heartaches.  Even though Jack seemed to be okay with his confession, there was still a needling voice inside that didn’t believe the military man.  Jack was a hardnosed, career soldier.  Same as the boys that raped Daniel in the shower of the high school.  There could be no way Jack was actually okay with a faggot lusting after him!

Because that was what he was… a faggot.  A cock jockey, a flaming twink.  Something that was akin to dog shit on the bottom of a shoe.  And what do you do with that?  You toss the shoes.  Will Jack do that to him when the crisis was over?  Just toss him aside?  He has before.  Back when things weren’t good between them.  Before he ascended.

The truck came to a stop startling the archeologist.  He was so deep in thought he hadn’t realized they were already on the campus.  Jack was out of the truck and around to help him.  Janet was in the vestibule too bring him a wheelchair.  Daniel rolled his eyes, but sat down.  He didn’t pay any attention to what was going on around him.  He couldn’t care less.  He just wanted to be left alone.

“Daniel,” Janet’s voice filtered into his distracted mind, “This is Dr.  Dames, he’ll be doing your surgery.”

He nodded once.  The guy was older then Jack and had a kind expression.  However, as the man droned on about the surgery, Daniel’s thoughts were elsewhere.  He didn’t really care what was going to be done to him.  It wouldn’t matter in the long run.

Jack and Janet got him settled in his room as the nurse came in to start an I.V.  The others chatted for a while as his cast was being cut off.  They must have put a sedative in the drip, as Daniel felt his eyes drift closed.  The last thing he remembered was Jack squeezing his hand comfortingly.

***

_**Two Days Later** _

The surgery was a success and Daniel could open and close his mouth with minimal pain.  His arm was still in a sling, but he could move more.  Janet had dropped by to let him know that he didn’t need the ice packs on his groin any longer and that he seemed to be healing nicely down there.

Jack had hoped that all this good news would help his friend to start healing mentally and emotionally, but that wasn’t the case.  Daniel was still not talking much and would flinch if someone other than Jack touched him.  He still wouldn’t look anyone in the eye.  On top of that, he had started to continually scratch at his arms until they bled.

At night when no one was around, Daniel worked on his speech.  Some of the sounds were better, but it still made him cringe.  Most of the time he couldn’t even understand himself.  He had no idea how Jack was able to decipher what he said.

The day he was going to be released from the hospital back into Jack’s care, Daniel heard the older man and Frasier talking when they thought he was asleep.

“Colonel, we need to talk with Daniel,” Janet said softly.  “I really think that he should be taken up to the psychiatric ward.  I’m very concerned with his withdrawal and now the self-harm.  He needs to be under professional help.”

Jack let out a long breath, closed his eyes and scrubbed his hands over his tired face.  He didn’t want to do that to Daniel.  He knew how the archeologist felt about psychiatrists.  He also couldn’t get rid of the images of Daniel in the white rubber room, strung out on drugs.

“I don’t know, Doc,” he said, “last time we had him committed was a complete disaster and not his fault.  I really don’t think he will agree to it.”

“I’m not talking about sending him to a mental hospital, sir.  The psychiatric ward here in the hospital is a nice wing.  The patients can walk around and interact with each other.  They have group sessions and individual treatment.  They don’t administer a lot of drugs…”

“ _A lot of drugs_ ,” Jack interrupted her, “but some.  You know how he feels about that!”

“I also know that he is in desperate need of help, Jack!  And the meds will regulate his emotions enough to let him begin to think straight again.  Right now, he’s not.  You know I’m right.  And _I_ know, that if you tell him that you agree, he will be more likely to go along.  He relies on you to keep him grounded… safe.”

Daniel hoped that Jack would disagree and take him home.  He didn’t want to be locked up again.  With his eyes still closed, he tried to will Jack to tell her ‘no’.

_Just say no, Jack.  Just say no!_

O’Neill sighed again, then answered, “Yeah, you’re right.  He’s gonna be pissed, that’s for sure.”

It took every ounce of Daniel’s self-control not to scream at them.  He felt his spirit plummet into the depths, never to be seen again.

“We aren’t his family; can we commit him?” Jack asked.

“He’s under the command of the SGC, all civilians had to sign a release to have medical care, both physical and mental, ordered by the CMO… me.  I can sign him in, but please, Colonel, I would rather have him sign himself in.  It’s is for his own good.

“You look completely drained, Jack.  Why don’t you go and get something to eat while he’s sleeping?  We can talk with him together when you get back.  Okay?”

Nodding his head, both left the doorway of Daniel’s room, never knowing that he had heard the whole conversation.  When the footsteps disappeared, Daniel opened his eyes.  It was now or never.  He knew that the psyche ward was a locked down wing and he would never be able to get out then.  He had watched the comings and goings of the staff for the last two days and knew the routine.  It was almost time for a shift change and he would be able to get out during the hustle and bustle of the nurses, without being seen… he hoped.

Throwing off the blankets, Daniel carefully disengaged his IV, got out of bed and grabbed his sweatpants, putting them on hurriedly.  Picking up his glasses, he went to the door and peered out.  The hallway was busy, like he expected, and it was relatively easy for him to slip out and to the stairwell.  Daniel knew he had to hurry.  Jack wouldn’t stay gone for long.  He paused for a moment, considering going up or down.  Down would be the way most run-aways would go, so he went up.  This was a tall enough building, and there would be access to the roof where the medi-evac choppers landed.

Reaching the top, Daniel paused to catch his breath.  Reading that an alarm would sound when the door was opened, he had to be completely sure he was going to do this, because he wouldn’t have time to stop before someone showed up.

“ **CODE GREEN** ” the hospital overhead paging system announced suddenly, “ **CODE GREEN: HOSPITAL LOCK DOWN INITIATED** ”

Daniel didn’t know what a code green was, but he figured it was about him.  Decision made, he opened the roof door and darted out.  The alarms were deafening.  He ran to the edge of the building and jumped onto the ledge, but then stopped.  Looking down, a wave of vertigo threatened to have him puke.  It was windy and cold.  The clouds had just started to release fat, fluffy snowflakes.  He shivered in his light-weight hospital gown.  Heart pumping, Daniel closed his eyes and shuffled forward, letting his bare toes curl over the edge.  It was time.  Time to make the pain stop for good.  Time to release his friends of the burden of his existence.  Images began to swirl around his mind.  His parents and grandfather.  Sam and Teal’c.  Hammond and Janet.  Jack.

He was going to leave them with questions.  Why hadn’t they seen this side of him?  Why couldn’t they do anything to help him?

Then the faces of the men that beat him in the parking lot.  The hate of the high school football players.  The university frat boys that would attack him just for the hell of it.  Just because he was gay.

The faces of Apophis, Amaunet, Hathor, Osiris, Ba’al and Anubis   The faces of all his family and friends on Abydos… those he couldn’t save from being destroyed.  Sha’re and Sarah and Reese.  So many that he couldn’t save from the evils all round them.

With a long exhale, he held his one arm out to the side, and began to lean forward.  At the last minute, he felt strong arms round his waist, holding him back.  His eyes snapped open.

“Please don’t do this, Daniel,” Jack’s voice was soft, not angry or panicked.  Just a pleading tone.  “I need you, Danny.  Don’t leave me like this.  Please.”

“’ek me go, ‘ack.  You will be be’er off wiffou’ me aroun’,” _< Let me go, Jack.  You will be better off without me around,>_ he said, not looking at the man.

“We already tried that, Danny.  For a whole year.  I let you go then, I’m not gonna do it this time.  It was a mistake then, and it’ll be a mistake now.  One that you won’t be able to come back from.”

Tears streamed down his face, “I cam’k oo ‘hif a’ymore.  I ‘on’k wah’ oo ‘hak you ‘own wiff me.  You or ‘am or ‘eal’c.  I if’roy eve’y’hing an’ eve’yo’e I ‘ove.  P’ees ‘on’k ‘ek me oo ‘hak oo you oo.  ‘ek me go.” _< I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t want to take you down with me.  You or Sam or Teal’c.  I destroy everything and everyone I love.  Please don’t let me do that to you too.  Let me go.”_

Jack moved closer to him, hugging him now and carefully pulling him away from the edge.  “You killing yourself _will_ destroy me, Daniel.  You can’t leave me alone.  I need you.  We can get through this… together.”

“Bu’ you ‘on’k wah’ oo oo ‘hif ‘oge’her, you wah’ oo ‘ock me up in a iych war’.  I hear’ you!” _< But you don’t want to do it together, you want to lock me up in a psych ward.  I heard you!>_

“I only want you to stay there until you’re thinking a little more clearly.  Until you can see that this is **not** the solution.  Then you and I can work through all the rest together.  I promise, I will never leave you, Danny.  No matter what.  But if you do this, I can’t keep _that_ promise.”

Daniel heard other people gathering around behind him now.  He knew it was the hospital security personal.  If he tried to jump now, he’d be taking his best friend with him.  The person he loved most in this world. That wasn’t his plan.  He _never_ wanted to hurt Jack.  Slumping into the other man’s arms, Daniel backed off the ledge and crumpled to the ground, never letting Jack go.  Huddling in the solid arms of his friend, Daniel wept bitter tears.  He couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t jump fast enough.  Jack had pulled him back from the edge yet again.  Maybe… just maybe, he really didn’t want to die.

Janet was beside them, throwing a warm blanket around Daniel’s shoulders.  He glanced up and saw tears seeping from her eyes.  That stabbed him in the heart.  What was he thinking?  How could he make his pseudo-family live though his death again?  And so soon after he returned.

“Jack, help me, pl’ees, help me!”

“I’m going too, Danny!  I’m going too!” he whispered as he carded his hand through the younger man’s hair.  “We’ll get through this…”

***

Daniel signed himself into the behavioral health ward of the Academy hospital for a one-week evaluation.  He spent his first night curled up on his bed.  He wouldn’t eat, and fought them about the medication they were going to start him on.  His combativeness had him on 24-hour constant watch.  He couldn’t even go to the bathroom without leaving the door open.  One of the nurses that was assigned to him was very patient.  He was kind and willing to take the glares and the refusals that Daniel would send his way.

His name was Drew Ritter and he was a considerate, warmhearted guy.  Even though he was in the Air Force, he disclosed to Daniel that he was gay.  He didn’t really care about DA/DT, he’d have a job regardless of the military.  He took Daniel under his wing, seeming to know how hard it was for him.  It took two days, but Drew finally got him to cooperate with the rules.   Daniel started taking his meds and joined the rest of the patients for meal times and group meetings.

He would still grumble all the way, but he knew if he wanted to get out of there and back to Jack’s house, he needed to get with the program.

And it _was_ a program.  Every hour was accounted for.  Group meetings, single therapy, a few downtimes here and there.  He was lucky to have a room to himself.  Drew encouraged him to start a journal of his feelings about being there.  So, during the downtimes, he would write in the solitude of his room;

> _I feel jumpy.  Still can’t sleep through the night.  The dreams are getting worse and now I don’t even have Jack to help me afterward.  Then again, I don’t deserve to have him help me.  I’m sub-human.  Stupid, whiny and a thorn in the side of my friends.  I am a numb nothing.  I want to feel more than misery.  Right now, I’m a stranger in my own head.  Is there even a chance at being happy again?  Hell, I don’t even remember the last time I **was** happy._
> 
> _People should stay away from me.  The other academics gave me a label: Patient Zero.  Anyone that would even consider my hypothesis would be blackballed.  No one in the field of Archeology would be seen with me.  That was before Catherine whisked me away to the Stargate program._
> 
> _I’ve started to scratch at my arms.  It’s not just because of the cast, I’m just not comfortable in my own skin anymore.  I want to rip it off… put a different one on.  A better one. A straight one._
> 
> _Blood is caked under my fingernails.  Drew would clean the raw skin and wrap them up.  He’s a good guy.  Sits with me when I start to scratch.  He would hold my hand, or give me something to do to keep me from itching._
> 
> _I used to do this when I was a kid.  Anytime the foster home was chaotic and I was scared.  Thought I was over that.  Jesus, I’m coming up on my 40’s._
> 
> _I confessed my orientation and love for Jack, tried to jump off the roof of the hospital and now I’m self-mutilating again.  I guess this was an appropriate punishment the Ancients inflicted on me… too come back to the mortal plain and have all my demons resurface._
> 
> _God, I want outta here!_

***

Jack would come to see Daniel every day.  He even sat in on a couple of his group meetings.  He worried because the linguist would never say a word in the groups.  He would just sit, arms wrapped around his chest and look at the floor.  No matter how many direct questions the leaders would ask, Daniel wouldn’t play along.  He was starting to worry that his friend was slipping further away. 

At the end of his one-week hold, the doctor caring for Daniel pulled Jack aside.  The colonel raised an eyebrow at him, then followed the doctor into his office.  Daniel had signed his care over to Jack when he entered the program, knowing that his friend and team leader would make good choices for his wellbeing.

“Colonel,” Dr. Baldwin said as he closed his office door, “I would like to keep Dr. Jackson here another week.”

“What?  Why?” O’Neill asked sharply.

“He’s not cooperating.  Hasn’t joined in any of the groups and is very reluctant to talk in individual therapy.  I don’t feel that he has done enough participating in his recovery.  I’ve started him on some new meds and hope that they will help him along,” the older man said with a firm voice.

Jack closed his eyes and tried to breath deep.  He knew this was going to happen, but he still didn’t like it.  “What meds are you giving him and for what?”

The doctor opened Daniel’s folder, “Seroquel, it’s an antipsychotic that we give patients with bipolar and major depression disorder.  Lexipro for his general anxiety disorder.  Lorazepam for when he is in a manic state, and Zolpidem to help him sleep.”

“That’s a lot of meds, Doc.  You don’t think he’s bipolar, do you?” Jack asked. 

“Yes, he shows the typical signs of bipolar.  When I told him that, it was the only time I actually heard him speak.  I won’t repeat what he said though.”

Jack inwardly laughed.  Leave it to Daniel to piss off the guy that’s trying to help.  He wasn’t too sure about these disorders though.  Sounded more like the doctor was getting kick-backs from the pharmaceutical companies. 

“Is he on the Zolpidem because he’s still having nightmares?”

“Yes, bad ones.  He wakes screaming for you.  Seems the only one that can get him to settle down is Drew,” he replied then leveled a hard gaze at the other man.  “Is there something you want to tell me, Colonel?  Something going on between you and Dr. Jackson?”

Jack didn’t like this guy the moment he set eyes on him.  He looked about 110 years old, had a deep southern accent, and an office full of religious propaganda.  His tone was accusing and his attitude was transparent.  No wonder he never made it past Captain.

Leaning forward, a stony expression on his face, Jack replied in a tight voice, “I am his C.O. and best friend.  We’ve been to hell and back, quite literally, and rely on each other heavily.  And I don’t like what you may be implying.”

With a thin smile, Dr.  Baldwin said, “I apologize, sir.  My only thoughts are for Dr. Jackson’s mental wellbeing.  I’m just not sure if you presence here every day is conducive to his getting better.”

“And why wouldn’t it be, Captain?” Jack asked, throwing in the other man’s rank instead of his honorific, to emphasis his point.

Closing Daniel’s folder and tapping it on the desk bought him a few seconds to consider his reply.  “I believe that he may be depending on you for too much, Colonel.  And his… affection for you seems somewhat… askew.  Now,” he held up a finger to stop Jack from retorting, “I’m not _asking_ and you _don’t_ have to tell, but Dr. Jackson is a civilian on a military combat team.  His… proclivities may in fact have to be reported for the sake of the soldiers he works with.”

Jack sat looking at the other man, his lips thin and tight.  Slowly, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed.  With exaggerated movements, he waited for the voice to answer.  “Dr. Frasier, it’s Colonel O’Neill.  I’m sitting in Dr. Baldwin’s office and I have to say, I _don’t like him_.  As we discussed when Daniel signed into this place, that if I didn’t feel it was working, we could sign him out.  Will you please fix it so that Daniel will be released into my custody A-SAP?”  There was a pause and Jack was pleased to see the older man blanch.  “I understand, Dr. Fraiser and I will be more than happy to work with you on finding Daniel a suitable shrink.  In the meantime, I want him out of here!”

After another pause, Jack smiled and held the phone out to the Dr. Baldwin, “She would like to speak to you.”

The Captain took the offered phone “Dr. Fraiser?  Yes, I understand.  No, I don’t agree with this course of action… yes, Ma’am, I’ll have him released as soon as the paperwork gets here.  Yes, Doctor, Colonel O’Neill will have all of Dr. Jackson’s medicines and how they are to be taken.”

The chastised man handed the phone back and rose to retrieve the coming fax.  When he left the room, Jack said into the phone, “thanks, Janet.  The guy is just a little too old fashion in his beliefs.  I would like it if you could drop by tonight so we can all sit down and come to an agreement on how to proceed with our favorite linguist.  Sure thing… see ya then.”

A short time later, Daniel was clutching his laptop and a small bag of his belongings, waiting for Jack to finish signing the papers for his release.  He shifted one foot to the other in constant movement.  Drew, came by and gave him a hug.  He also slipped a business card to Daniel and whispered, “If you or the Colonel ever need me, I don’t live far.  I’d really like to get to know you better, Daniel.  And my boyfriend, Joey, may be able to help.  He’s a rape counselor and a good guy.”

Daniel looked at the card, eyes beginning to sting.  “T’ank oo, ‘rew.” <Thank you, Drew.>

Jack finished and turned to his friend, “Ready to get outta here?”

Daniel nodded with a small smile.

“I’ll walk you guys out,” Drew said and fell into step with them.  Once outside, he told Jack the same thing he had whispered to Daniel.

“I just wanted you to know also, sir, that they’re a lot of other people not happy with Dr. Baldwin’s stance on things.  He’s an old-school southern Bible-belt boy and doesn’t hide his distaste of other lifestyles.”

“Yeah kinda picked up on that.  Some guys just don’t know when to retire,” he said as he looked at Drew’s card.  “So, this Joey guy is a rape counselor?”

Drew smiled, “Yeah, that and hate crimes and other abuses that LGBT folks have to endure.  That’s how we met.”

With both men looking questioningly at the young man, he explained, “Shortly after I was transferred here, one of my bunkmates thought it’d be fun to read my journal.  He realized I was gay and had a nice surprise for me when we were on leave.  Of course, I could never prove it was him, because he had these four punks jump me.  I was in the hospital for eight days.  Beat the living shit outta me and raped me with a baseball bat.

“Joey happened by my room in the hospital just as I broke a mirror and tried to slit my wrist.  He stopped me, sat with me, and talked all night.  If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here.”

Jack felt Daniel move closer to him, quivering slightly.  The similarities between his attack and Drew’s were scary.  He wondered if maybe it was the same guys.

“How long ago did this happen, Drew?” Jack asked, “If you don’t mind my asking.”

Drew smiled at them, “It’s okay.  If my story helps, I don’t mind telling it.  Especially for Daniel, here.  It happened about a year ago, Joey took me under his wing and helped me through it all.  It was hardest when those assholes that jumped me got off on a technicality.  _Twice victimized_ , Joey said.  But good things come from bad sometimes.  Joey and I are together now and helping others.

“I should let you guys get going.  I’m sure they’ll be lookin’ for me too.”

Drew gave Daniel another hug and a salute to O’Neill who brushed it aside to shake the man’s hand instead.  Jack opened the door and got his friend all situated and closed him in.

Just as Jack turned to walk to the driver’s side, Drew stopped him short when he said, “Ya’ know what’s funny about Joey and me, Colonel?  He wasn’t gay when he came to my rescue.  Still doesn’t really consider himself that way even now.  _Mutual love_ , he says, _doesn’t come with a binary label.  Love is fluid_ ,” he flashed him a big smile and trotted off back into the building.

Jack, however, was left with a stunned face and a load of questions.

***

On the way back to his house, Jack had only two things on his mind.  Daniel and what Drew had said.  Daniel was more pressing though.  He looked over to his friend and studied his expression.  His eyes were still dull and his frown deep.  What was he going to have to do to get _his_ Daniel back?  He had to make sure that he wouldn’t try to commit suicide again.

“Daniel,” he said softly, “you have to promise me something.”  He waited for some acknowledgement before he continued.  “Since I busted you outta lockdown, you have to promise me to take your meds the way you’re supposed to **and** not to try to kill yourself again.  Deal?”

The laptop opened and Daniel started typing.  **“I promise to take the fucking pills, Jack.  And I won’t try to kill myself again at your house.”**

O’Neill let out a short laugh, “Nice try, Danny!  I mean _EVER_ , not just at my house.  You have to swear that you won’t _EVER_ try it again.”

Daniel looked out the window for a long time.  He still felt like everyone would be better off if he was dead.  But Jack did get him away from that ‘prison’.  He owed him something for that alone.

**“I won’t try and kill myself again, Jack,”** he chewed on his lip for a few minutes.  **“I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this.  With me.  Sorry I’m such a mess.”**

“Hey, hey, hey…” Jack reached over and cupped his hand on the nap of Daniel’s neck, softly petting him, “Not a mess… just a little lost right now.  Kinda like I was when you recued me.  Only fair that I get to do this for you now.”

Daniel turned red-rimmed eyes to him.  With a sad nod, he answered, “ok, ‘ack.  I won’k ‘ry again.  Promife.” _< ok, Jack.  I won’t try again.  Promise.>_

For the rest of the trip, Daniel slept while Jack considered his feelings.  _Love is fluid._ He never thought of it that way before.  Could one be in love with someone of the same sex and not be a homosexual?  Could he have been one all his life and just not known it?  Maybe he had unconsciously suppressed those feelings because he had always known he wanted to be a fighter pilot in the Air Force.  Jack’s head was starting to ache.

At the stop light, he watched Daniel sleep fitfully.  The man was beautiful!  He cared deeply for him.  But was he ‘in love’ with him?  Could he even admit it if he was?

A horn honk startled him from his musings.

“Aw, Danny… what are you doing to me?”

***

As Jack pulled up to his driveway, he was met with a gaggle of people waiting for his and Daniel’s return.  Sam, Teal’c, Janet and even General Hammond stood patiently for the two men to get out of the truck.

“Was there a memo?” Jack asked as he unlocked his front door, Daniel glued to his side.

“No,” George said softly, “Just wanted to welcome Dr. Jackson home.  Thought we’d have a little sit-down together.”

That sounded ominous to Daniel.  At the moment, he was the only thing that would warrant a ‘sit-down’ with this particular group.  He nervously tried to disappear to his bedroom.  However, Janet was right there beside him.  The doctor very gently guided her patient out of the hall and back into the living room.  Janet tried to get him to sit.  Daniel conveyed the most confident look that he could muster and smiled before he shook his head.  He took up a guarded position in the corner of the room.  She smiled then and reluctantly left him where he felt protected.

He turned his attention on the group its self.  Daniel noticed Sam walking around the house with something in her hand.  She was taking readings of some sort.  He knew that in their position as a classified unit, she was probably searching the area for listing devices.  Sam nodded to the general once she finished her sweep of Colonel O’Neill’s house.  With the ok given, the general made the motion for everyone to have a seat.

Jack raised an eyebrow at Hammond, “General, why are we doing this so… covertly?”

George leaned forward and laced his finger together on his knees.  “The rumor mill has been working overtime on the base.  And, the NID has been snooping around.  Guess they have an informant in the police department.”

O’Neill groaned.  This really didn’t bode well for his friend.

Realization kicked in and almost knocked Daniel over.  This was not just a friendly sit-down after all.  This was a top-secret discussion and it was all about _him_.  At that moment, Daniel’s dread rose even higher, if that were possible.  He scanned the group and gauged how quickly he could get to the front door.  Lost in his scheming, he startled when his name was said.

“Now, Daniel,” George continued, “I don’t really care myself, but I need to quell the rumors.”

Jack jumped out of his chair, “If you are asking what I think you’re asking, you have no right too!!”

“Colonel!” the General said in a firm voice, “stand down.”

“I thought this was an ‘off the record’ meeting… sir,” Jack snarled at his superior officer.

“This is, Jack,” George said softly, “I’m just worried about the NID using faulty information against Daniel.  I’ve already had to quash his suicide attempt with the DOD.  The Oversite Committee wants to make sure that we are still working with someone of sound mind.  The NID wants to have Daniel’s personal files opened.  Seems they believe that his past is catching up to him.”

“Daniel **IS** of sound mind!!” Jack yelled, “why are they out to get him?  It wasn’t his fault he got attacked!!”

“This is ridiculous!” Sam shouted.  “Daniel has been through something that no one should have to endure!  And now they NID wants to have him separated from the SGC?  If it weren’t for him there would be no SGC!!”

“And that is precisely what the NID wants to happen.  If they can shut down the SGC, they would have all the control to do whatever they wanted with the Stargate,” Hammond said.  “And the Oversite Committee has sited everything that has happened to Dr. Jackson.  They’ve made it quite clear that they know of his previous two suicide attempts and think that they aren’t the only ones.  Just the ones we know about.  Also, the stint in the mental hospital, and the fact that he has died multiple times.  They believe that this latest attack, because it was on this planet, has proven that Dr. Jackson has been irrevocably compromised.

“I’ve been running interference, but they are beginning to put more pressure on the President to have Dr. Jackson removed from SG-1 at the very least.  As of right now, there is no way that Daniel can come back to work until a psychiatrist has thoroughly vetted him.  Now, I’ve at least finagled them into letting us pick the doctor that he would be going to.  That is why I’ve called this meeting.”

Daniel hid in the corner watching as tempers flared.  The volume rose inside the house enough that he wanted to cover his ears.  Suddenly, he felt his knees buckle, his lucidity wavered and his shaking began to grow with intensity.  He could feel the tension all around… pushing and smothering him.  He needed to sit down!  Daniel’s coordination was shot, with his shaking out of control, his legs barely held him up.

The strength of fear grew; it felt as if a noose had dropped around his neck and tightened as it restricted the air getting to his lungs.  He stumbled forward slowly, trying not to be noticed.  Daniel feared they would remember he was in the room with how loudly his breathing seemed to be.  He made his way slowly to the couch.  The scared man sat on the far end, away from the group.   He pulled a pillow to him and clung to it desperately.  

Daniel felt his anxiety increase as pressure pushed against his chest.  Again, he felt the clawing hands of his demons wrap around his throat.  Biting and gnawing at his flesh while they whispered disparaging words to him.  He closed his eyes and saw the reproachful look of faceless people.  Murmured sounds telling him he was no good.  He was causing all this strife for his friends.  Faggot.  Queer.  Worthless.  Sweat was running down his face.  He wiped it off and labored to school his features.  The last thing he wanted was to gain attention.  He needed to hide his fear the best that he could.

Teal’c looked over to Daniel and saw his leg bouncing up and down with such ferocity he was sure there would be a hole in the floor by evening’s end.  The younger man was hugging a pillow tightly and chewing on his lower lip.  He seemed so small to the Jaffa, all curled up in on himself.  The blue eyes were darting around restlessly, never settling on anything for longer than a second or two.

General Hammond rubbed a hand over his bald head in frustration.  He needed to get this meeting back on point.  “Look, nothing said here will leave this house.  Dr. Jackson… Daniel,” he amended with a smile, “we’re all friends here.  We are also very worried about your well-being.  Son, I must insist that you cooperate with us.  We have all come to let you know that we support you, and to find a suitable psychiatrist that you feel you could work with.”

Teal’c stood as Daniel began a low keening.  He said softly, “Daniel Jackson, are you well?”

“Of course, he’s well!” Jack shouted, his temper still right on the edge.  “He’s just had some… some…”

“O’Neill,” Teal’c’s voice low, “I merely wish to inquire how Daniel Jackson is coping with what has been said.”

Eyebrows raised high, Jack said, “Oh… okay.  Sorry.”

With a wry smile, he turned his gaze to Daniel.  When he saw the pillow, his friend was hiding behind moving in the same cadence as Daniel’s hand, he know the man was scratching!  Jack moved over and gently snatched the pillow from his friend.  “Danny!” he said in a weary voice.

Janet jumped up and went to Daniel.  “Colonel, get me a warm towel and some antiseptic!”

But Jack was kneeling by Daniel, holding his hands away from his arms.  Teal’c went to get the supplies Dr. Fraiser needed.

“Aw, Danny,” Jack said softly, trying to coax the man to look at him.  “We won’t let anything happen to you.  NID, Oversite Committee, hell the President can kiss my black ops ass for all I care.  We’re gonna get you some help and put this all behind us.  No one will take you away for the SGC or SG-1.  I promise.”

With a miserable voice, Daniel said, “You cam’k promife me ‘hak, ‘ack.” < _You can’t promise me that, Jack._ >

“No, I can’t,” the older man said, “but I can promise you that I will not leave your side.  If they try to get rid of you, they lose me too!”

“And me!” Sam said coming over to them.

“I will renounce my services as well, Daniel Jackson.”

Hammond smiled at his flagship team, “There will be a lot of openings at the SGC if you are removed, Dr. Jackson.  I will make sure the President knows that.  As long as you accept a psychiatrist this evening, I will inform the powers that be of your cooperation.  I will also let them know that as of tonight, you are merely on sabbatical to recover from the heinous attack that was perpetrated on _this_ planet.  One that has no bearing on your ability to work at the SGC or on SG-1.”

“There you go, Daniel,” Janet said as she finished wrapping his arm.  “And, as you can clearly see, your friends are all around you and love you.  Including me.  I can be a doctor anywhere I want.”

With tears in his eyes, Daniel gave his friends a small smile.  He really didn’t deserve them.  But by god, he loved each and every one of them.

“’ek ‘ook ak ‘he ‘ocorf.”

Jack chuckled at the looks of utter confusion on everyone’s face.  “He said, ‘let’s look at the doctors’.”

Sam stared at her CO.  “How the hell do you do that?”

“I speak fluent Daniel,” Jack told her.

He watched his friends talking as papers were being spread for his perusal.  For the first time since his parents died, he felt safe.  The room seemed much brighter and easier with laughter. 

Daniel selected a female psychiatrist, thinking he would be more comfortable speaking with her about some of his issues.  He’d always been easier with women.  That decision made, General Hammond and Janet both left.  Sam and Teal’c stayed to chat with Jack and Daniel escaped to his room.

He sat on his bed and thought about what everyone had said.  With their help, maybe he would be able to get through this.  He just had to bear down and put his mind to it… like he had his whole life.  But this time, he had to face his demons instead of packing them away.  It was time to shed his past, and embrace the future.

He was under no delusion, however.  He knew it was going to be hard, and days were going to be bad for a while.  Daniel had a lot of baggage to work through.  His mind was still fighting with his heart.  If he could only stuff his homosexuality back into its box, he figured the rest would be manageable.  The question was, how to do that.  He was beaten up because they believed he was gay.   And if those punks could guess it, then Daniel wasn’t as far in the closet as he believed.      

Maybe his love for Jack was showing more than before.  He was sure that no one else knew about that.  Neither Sam nor Teal’c had said anything about it to him.  He sure as hell wasn’t going to talk about it to the psychiatrist!  Maybe he’d talk to Drew.  Somethings just weren’t meant to be out in the open, as far as he was concerned.

Daniel was well on his way to sinking into his mire again.  He just couldn’t turn his brain off.  The more he thought about things, the more circular his thinking became.  Jack would tell him to shoot the hamster and break the wheel.  That had Daniel’s lips quirk up slightly.  But it wasn’t long before he was shaking and scratching again.  God, he hated himself sometimes!


	5. House of Cards

After three and a half months, most of the outward signs of Daniel’s attack were gone.  His inner turmoil was still very evident.  His speech was still very hard to understand by anyone that wasn’t Jack.  When O’Neill asked about it with Daniel’s speech therapist, she told him it was more mental than physical.  He was trying too hard to sound like he used too and not relaxing his tongue enough for the words to come out correctly.

So, Daniel was still distant and uncommunicative.  The meds he was now taking for his mental wellbeing made him sleepy all the time and a mere shadow of the man Jack knew.  However, they helped keep the night-terrors to only a few times a week, instead of every time he slept.

Jack asked Daniel to move in with him until he was back to ‘normal’.  It just seemed dumb for Daniel to pay for a hotel room he rarely used.  Jack’s house was plenty big enough for the two of them.  And now Daniel had his fish tank back.  O’Neill never understood the attraction of the fish tank, but Daniel would sit and watch them swim around for hours after a particularly bad day.

Daniel was also sleeping in bed with Jack more and more.  When the younger man slept in his own room, the dreams came and Jack would be up half the night trying to calm Daniel down.  It just became easier to sleep together.

As promised, Daniel met with the new psychiatrist, Dr. Beth Fleming, and took the pills that were prescribed.  She was an older woman, formidable but had kind eyes.  Her fly-away hair was mostly white and she wore reading glasses half way down her nose.  The first meeting, Jack had insisted in sitting in with Daniel.  He wanted to make sure this would be a good fit.

For the first few appointments, Daniel would huddle in his chair and only answer Dr. Fleming with short, quiet answers.  After two weeks, she revised the diagnoses of Bi-Polar.  However, in place of that label, she told him Daniel had Borderline Personality Disorder.  She was going to reduce the number of drugs Daniel was taking, nevertheless.  Jack asked the doctor what Borderline Personality Disorder was.

“The main characteristic of BPD is a prevalent pattern of unpredictability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions.  People with BPD quite often very impulsive,” she told them.

“What makes you think that’s what Daniel has?  I mean… are there symptoms I should’ve seen a long time ago?” Jack asked.  He really wanted to get to the bottom of his friend slip-sliding away every couple of years.

Dr. Fleming pulled out a sheet of paper and handed it to Jack, saying, “These are the most common symptoms of BPD.”

 

_Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment_

_A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation_

_Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self_

_Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)_

_Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior_

_Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)_

_Chronic feelings of emptiness_

_Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)_

_Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms_

 

He quickly scanned the document and nodded.  He could see Daniel in many of the points.  With a heavy sigh, Jack accepted her diagnoses.

Now that Jack was more informed with what Daniel was working through, he starting to give him more space.  Daniel was still scratching at his arms, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been.  Jack was still having to clean up the wounds when he noticed his friend’s fingernails were bloody.  Most of the time, Daniel didn’t even realize he was doing it.  If Jack saw him scratching, he would reach over, pull his hand away from his arm and hold on it for a while.

***

Daniel’s new friend, Drew, dropped by to visit.  He brought his boyfriend Joey to meet them.

“Daniel, Jack, this is my Joey,” Drew introduced the men.

“Hey, Joey, nice to meet you” Jack said warmly, shaking the new comers hand.  “Come on in guys.  Get you something to drink?”

“Sure, but we can’t stay long,” Joey said.

When everyone had their beverage, they all sat in the living room.  Jack studied the new arrivals.  Drew was about as tall as himself and built like a brick wall.  His short military hair was dark and he had a look of Native American about him.

Joey was a little shorter and stockier with a shock of white-blonde hair, pulled back in a ponytail.  They made a cute couple.  Drew was holding Joey’s hand loosely and would lean over every now and then to bump shoulders.

Drew opened the conversation.  “So, Daniel, we came here to formally ask you to come to our support group.  I really think it will help… and so does Joey.”

Daniel looked over to Jack with his eyebrows raised.

“What?” he asked with an innocent look.  “So, I called them.  Thought it’d be good for us to try it out.  Dr. Fleming did too.”

“Daniel,” Joey gently said, “We would like to help you through this.  I know how painful this has been for you.  Please consider coming to a meeting. The group is small and very welcoming.  I’d like to do some one-on-one counseling with you also.  What’da say?”

At first, Daniel shook his head, then he caught Jack’s pleading eyes staring at him.  With a deep sigh, he acquiesced, “I guess.”

“It’s a good thing to do, Daniel.  I didn’t think so at first either, but it has really helped me,” Drew said.  “I’m in Joey’s group too.  We can get to know each other better.”

Nodding his head, Daniel gave his two new friends a small smile.

Jack clapped his hands, startling Daniel, and said, “Outstanding!  When’s the next meeting?”

“On Thursday at 15:00.  We meet at the library on the Academy campus.  Some of us go out afterward too, just to unwind.  You’ll be welcome to come also,” Drew said.

“We’ll see how it goes,” Jack answered him, “if Danny’s up for some socializing I think it would be good.  Danny’s a real party animal when he wants to be.”

Rolling his eyes at Jack, he bowed his head and mumbled, “’ack-ass.  ‘ook, I’m gekking ki’ah ‘ire.  ‘hink I’oo go oo my room.” < _I’m getting kinda tired.  Think I’ll go to my room,_ >

Jack looked over to see if they understood him and was pleased to see both men nod.  Daniel stood and shook their hands and shuffled off down the hall to his room.

 “Sorry.  He’s still not use to all the meds they have him on.”

“Sure, we understand,” Joey said with a grin.  “Looks like you could use some rest too, Jack.  Drew took a lot outta me when I was helping him last year.”

“And he never lets me forget it, too!  Right, Love?” Drew kissed him on the cheek with a smile as they rose to leave.  Jack showed them to the door.

Just before they exited, Jack asked, “I forgot to ask, can I come with him to the group meetings, Joey?”

The blonde-haired man nodded with a huge grin on his face, “The meetings are for victims and their support family.  You’ll be welcomed.  Most of the men were very reluctant to speak at first.  When I opened the group to the people that were helping them, it seemed to make all the difference.”

“We’ll be there,” he confirmed, “Thank you… both of you!”

Jack was only slightly surprised when they each gave him a bear hug before leaving.  After he closed the door, he leaned against it for a few minutes.  So much had happened in the time that Daniel had be back on this mortal plain.  And all this crap was done on good o’l planet earth.  Jack was used to having to clean-up shit that occurred on missions, but this felt entirely different.  He couldn’t pin point what was atypical about it, though.  Maybe because he didn’t have a Goa’uld to blame everything on.  They were easier to hate.

He thought about his friend.  Jack was a little concerned about Daniel’s sudden need for a nap.  He wandered down the hall and knocked on the bedroom door.  There was no answer.  He tried again.  When there was still no answer, he weighed his options.  Invade Daniel’s privacy and check on him like he was a kid?  Or believe that his friend would honor his promise and not do anything to harm himself.

Just as Jack chose to trust, Daniel called quietly, “’hif ok, ‘ack, you cam coom ii’” < _It’s ok, Jack, you can come in._ >

Opening the door, he smiled thinly, “How’d you know I was still there?”

Daniel snorted, “You hook ‘he ‘oor ‘ob off… I ‘oulg ‘ee you.” _< You took the door knob off… I could see you.>_

The older man looked back at the door, “Oh yeah,” he mumbled.  Walking over to sit next to his friend, he bumped shoulder to shoulder.  “How you doin’, Danny?”

Daniel thought for a long time.  “I’m fi’e.” _< I’m fine.>_

Jack lifted an eyebrow, “That’s not an answer.”

“Yeff, ‘hif iv.” _< Yes, it is.>_

“No, it’s not.”

“Iv fo!” _< Is so!>_

They both looked at each other when they realized they had fallen into their usual banter.  A second later, both began to laugh.  Actually laugh!  Hard.  By the time they got themselves under control, Daniel was holding his still sore ribs and Jack was wiping his eyes.  Neither of them had laughed like that in a long time.

Daniel looked into Jack’s eyes and his heart burst with overwhelming feelings.  Without thinking, he leaned over and kissed him full on the mouth.  His healing tongue softly brushed against Jack’s bottom lip, asking for entrance and after a second, was granted.  Then suddenly Jack pulled back, a look of utter shock on his face.

Realizing what he had done, Daniel vaulted off the bed and sprinted to a corner of the room.  He slid down the wall and pulled his knees up.  Rocking and muttering to himself, he began to bang his head against the wall, emphasizing each word, “oopig, oopig, oopig fu’hing quwer!  I’m ‘orry… I’m ‘orry… I’m fo ‘orry!  ‘umb ma’erfu’ing faggok!” _< Stupid, stupid, stupid fucking queer!  I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry!  Dumb motherfucking faggot!>_

When Jack came to his senses, he rushed over and tried to pull Daniel into his arms.

“Danny, stop it!” he said with a raised voice, “Stop it, Danny!”  Jack finally got his friend wrapped tight in a comforting embrace. 

Daniel was weeping and gasping for breath.  What the hell had come over him to kiss Jack like that?  What for fuck’s sake was he thinking?  That was the problem, he _wasn’t_ thinking.

When Jack sensed Daniel start to calm ever so slightly, he released his hold on him, sitting back a little to look at his miserable friend.  He placed a warm hand on his cheek, rubbing a tear away with his thumb.

“I’m gonna get one of your anxiety pills, Danny.  Can I trust you not to do anything stupid?” Jack asked.

Daniel turned pain and panicked eyes to him, muttering “L‘ille la’e for ‘hak!” _< Little late for that.>_

Jack gave him a slight smile and pulled him in for a quick hug, “I’ll be right back… don’t move.”

When Jack left the room, Daniel wrapped his arms around himself and curled up on the floor.  How could he?  How could he have just kissed Jack like that?  He ruined everything in one split second.  Jack wouldn’t want to be around him now.

But where would he go?  He had no apartment, no job until he was medically released by Fraiser.  Maybe he could find a cheap SRO to move into.  He was better off alone anyhow.  Always had been.  Scrubbing a hand over his face to wipe the tear trail away, he stood up and got his duffle bag from the closet.  As he began to stuff his clothes into the bag, Jack came back in the room with a glass of water and the pills.  He stopped short when he saw what Daniel was doing.

“Um, Daniel?” he said carefully, “What’cha doin’?”

“’eaving.” _< Leaving.>_

Jack moved closer, “Leaving for where?”

“’usf ‘eaving.” _< Just leaving.>_

Setting the glass of water down, Jack put his hand on Daniel’s shoulder, only to have the younger man move away from the touch.  He held up his hands, placatingly.  “Danny, what’s goin’ on?”

Daniel sat on the end of the bed, head hung miserably.  His left hand began to itch his right arm as he rocked back and forth.  Jack grabbed the laptop off the nightstand and handed it to him, more because it would stop his scratching than he needed it to understand ‘Daniel-speak’.

“Talk to me, Danny.  Please.”

 **“Don’t want to talk.  Don’t want to think,”** he typed.  **“I ruin everything!  I’m sorry, Jack.  Please let me leave.  It’ll be better for you.”**

Jack scooted next to him, putting his arm around his shoulder.  When Daniel tried to move away, Jack pulled him back into the half embrace.

With a firm voice, he said, “You _don’t_ ruin everything, Danny.  In fact, of all the people I know, you are the one person that can heal others without effort.  If you leave, it would have the exact opposite effect on me than being better off,” Jack put his other arm around Daniel’s chest, wrapping him up, and rested his head on his shoulder.  “I _need_ you, Danny.  I need you near me… _with_ me.  As infuriating as you are, the times you are with me… are the happiest and dearest to my heart.

“While you were all glowy, I thought I’d lose my mind.  When you came to visit me in Ba’al’s prison…” his voice hitched and he felt a sting in his eyes.  “I was close, very close, to letting you help me ascend, but I didn’t know if we would be together, so I told you no.  I wanted you in _my_ plain of existence, not theirs.  You have no idea how hard it was to let you go… again.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.  As for this whole being gay thing?  So, the fuck what!  I love you, Daniel Jackson, with all of my heart.  And knowing that you love me too?  Well, it makes my insides all mushy.  Please don’t push me away from you.  _Please_ , let me help you get through this mess.  And when you are back on your feet and a little more yourself, we can talk about this thing we have between us more.  ‘Cause I know, there is something between us that doesn’t fit in the world view of love, but it fits into mine.”

Jack could feel Daniel sobbing quietly in his arms.  He held him close, trying to hold him together as best he could.  They sat taking silent comfort in each other for a long time.  When Jack felt Daniel begin to sag in his arms, he extracted himself and retrieved the glass of water and pills.  Holding them out in his hand, Daniel took them without protest.

“Come lay down, Danny.  You said you were tired, take a little snooze.  I’ll get dinner going while you sleep, okay?”

Daniel nodded and dumped his duffle bag on the floor and crawled into his bed.  Jack covered him up, ruffled his hair and left him to sleep.

***

_As it seemed to happen at least once every few missions, things went south almost as soon as the ‘gate shut down.  The locals were aiming a myriad of weapons right at SG-1 and they had absolutely no choice but to lay down their arms.  Taken into custody the four-member team were tossed unceremoniously into a small, dirt floor prison to await their future._

_“They did not have any indication of which system lord they serve, O’Neill,” Teal’c said quietly._

_“Yeah, I noticed that too,” he answered.  “If they question us, mums the word.  Got it?”  Jack looked right at his archeologist, “Daniel?”_

_“How am I supposed to help you if I can’t talk to these people and find out why we’re here?”_

_With an angry stare, O’Neill cuffed him upside the back of his head, “Just do what I tell you to do, Jackson!  That’s an order!”_

_Before he could argue back, two big, burly men came and dragged Carter out of the cage.  The three male team members tried to fight them off, but the guards had Goa’uld pain-sticks and used them liberally._

_An hour later, the same men came back, without Carter, and took Teal’c.  Again, Jack and Daniel were hit with the pain-sticks.  It was quiet in the cell.  O’Neill was still irritated with his remaining team member.  When they heard the outside door to their prison open, Jack grabbed Daniel by the jacket and snarled into his face, “You keep that pretty little mouth quiet!  Or else!”_

_Again, the guards were without their missing comrades.  This time they took Jack.  Daniel stayed back away from the doors so he wouldn’t get the pain-stick.  It seemed a long time before they came back for him.  The jailers dragged Daniel out and into what seemed to be a small throne room.  There was a huge man sitting on an ornate throne with a wicked look about his face.  He had nothing on but a crown that looked to be made of human finger bones.  Daniel looked around for his teammates, but there was no sign of them.  He was shoved to his knees before the ruler._

_“My, my, my… aren’t you a pretty one?” the man said with a deep and foreboding voice._

_Daniel looked for Jack again, but didn’t see him.  The archeologist squared his shoulders and remained silent._

_“I think I’m going enjoy taking you,” the big man licked his lips.  “I didn’t care for the woman, she was too fragile anyway.  Broke her without even raising a sweat.”_

_Daniel gasped but stayed quiet._

_“And the big Jaffa…” the ruler sneered, “I don’t do Jaffa!  But then came the other man.  I liked the look of that one.  Made me very hard.  I was about ready to pleasure myself with him when he said that the last one of his team would be much better to take than his old bones.  I see that he was right!”_

_The big man leered at Daniel, almost drooling with lust.  “He told me that you would amuse me greatly.  That you would love every minute of my affections.”_

_“What?” Daniel shouted out, “Jack told you that?”_

_“Oh yes, little one,” he said as he stood up.  “Told me how much you love to have dick.  All hot and hard.  Told me how you enjoy being taken violently.  Quite the little bitch you are, he said.  A real screamer too!”_

_Daniel’s eyes went wide when he saw the erect penis of the man.  Huge would be an understatement.  He looked like the model for every male fertility god image he had ever seen.  Shaking uncontrollably, Daniel tried to back away from the advancing ruler._

_“No…” Daniel panted and tried to scramble away, “Jack wouldn’t tell you those things!!”_

_The guards grabbed him forcefully.  They took out their knives and cut the clothes off his body, not caring if he was slashed along with them.  They pushed him to his knees as the King reached his victim.  Running fingers through Daniel’s hair, he brushed his cock all over his face, leaving a pre-cum trail._

_“Nice little queer, the other man said.  Made him sick to even be around you.  Told me how you lusted after him, wanted him to take you from behind.  Informed me how nauseating it was to even look at you!”_

_“Jack… he, he would never say those things!! He said that he was okay with my love for him!” Daniel screamed._

_“Really?” the ruler said, “Jack?  Is that true?”_

_Daniel turned to see his friend lounging on a smaller throne.  The horror on Jack’s face ripped through his spirit.  Unbridled fury overcame the colonel._

_“Fucking fairy!!  God damn queer!!” Jack scorned as he got up from the chair and took a pain-stick from one of the guards.  With a terrifying glare, he used the business end of the stick and hit Daniel over and over.  When that torture wasn’t enough, O’Neill began to hit him and kick him._

_“Really, Daniel!  For someone so smart, you sure are dumb!  You really think I would want a fucking homo on my team?  You don’t even deserve the life you have, faggot!_

_“I HATE YOU!” Jack snarled in his ear as he slammed his head down onto the floor.  “I hate that I’m always having to look out for you!  Always having to yell at you because you never listen!  You are a disgrace to the uniform they let you wear.”_

_Jack spit in Daniel’s face, then turned away and said, “He’s all yours.  Fuck’em to death for all I care!”_

***

Just as Jack began to fix dinner, his cell phone rang.  Looking to see who it was, he frowned.

“O’Neill,” he said rather gruffly, “No, sir, I didn’t mean anything… Yes, sir…  But General, I’m on leave until Daniel gets back to normal…  Send Reynolds and his team, sir… I can’t just up and leave him like this… Yes, sir… sorry, sir… I’ll be there in an hour, sir.”

He gently laid the phone on the counter, walked to the sliding glass door and out onto the back deck.

“FUCK!!” he screamed to the evening air.  Leaning on the railing, he bowed his head.  Should he wake Daniel and let him know?  He was still not sleeping well and Jack really didn’t want to do that.  Who the fuck was he going to get to stay with him?  Just then an idea jumped into his head.

Going back inside, he picked up the phone and dialed.

“Hey Doc,” he said with forced pleasantness, “I really need a favor!”

***

Daniel awoke sobbing into his pillow, this latest dream fresh on his mind.  He was confused.  Which Jack should he believe in?  The ones from his nightmares or the one that has been with him since this whole rollercoaster ride began?  Was their friendship a fraud?

It was time to find out.  Getting up, Daniel headed to the kitchen.  He stopped suddenly when he heard, not Jack’s voice, but Janet’s.  What was she doing here?  Slowly and quietly he approached the kitchen and looked around the corner.  The doctor’s back was turned and she was on the phone.

“Cassie, I will be at Colonel O’Neill’s place for a while… If you need anything, just give me a call… No, I don’t think that it would be a good idea for you to stay here also.  Too much estrogen in one place may overwhelm Daniel… No, I don’t know how long… The Colonel had to go off-world… Okay, Cass… love you too, bye.”

Just as she hung up the phone, Daniel quickly returned to his room.  With pent up agitation, he took his hand splint off and threw it across the room.  Flopping down on his bed and thought about what he just heard.  _Jack had to go.  Didn’t know when he’d be back.  Didn’t bother to wake him up and tell him himself._

This all coming on the heels of Daniel fucking up and kissing his best friend.  That was why he left.  Daniel knew it.  That _had_ to be why he left.  He couldn’t take having a fairy-boy as a teammate.  The dreams were trying to tell him that.  He wasn’t usually this slow with the uptake, but now he understood.  Daniel grabbed his pillow and screamed into it, while he punched himself in the head with his fist.  He needed to feel the pain.  Needed his outward self to feel the same as his soul.

When that wasn’t enough, he sat and picked at his scabs from where he had been scratching while he slept.  He needed to think.  Needed to figure out how to get out of the house and gone from the state, while Jack was off doing… whatever he was doing.  Janet was a first-rate doctor, but he was sure that he could slip out without her noticing until it was too late.  Reaching over to his bedside table, he took and opened his wallet.  He had $300.00 cash.  That was good enough for a bus ticket to just about anywhere.

Daniel considered his destination.  Where would he go?  Setting up, he pulled the duffle bag over to him and rummaged through it.  Thank God!  He had his passport too.  Looks like he was heading to Canada.  He always heard that Vancouver was beautiful.  He could lose himself there.  Big city, lots of places to hide out.

First things first.  He had to figure out how to get out of the house without Janet knowing.  He listened to her humming in the kitchen, happily oblivious to her awake and scheming charge.  He almost felt bad for trying to figure how to trick her.  She’d always been a very good friend.

Footsteps grew louder as he was brought back to the here and now.  Stuffing his wallet and passport under his pillow, Daniel curled up on the bed and waited for her to knock.  When he didn’t answer her gentle rapping on the door, she peeked in to see that he was awake.  It broke her heart at how defeated Daniel looked.

Janet smiled at him, “Hi, Daniel.  Guess you’re kinda surprise to see me here, huh?”

Daniel merely nodded.

When he looked up she saw a bruise forming on his right temple and sat next to him to see if he was okay, “Daniel,” she said in her doctor voice, “what did you do?”

He shrugged and pulled his head away from her hand.  It wasn’t too bad, so she let it drop.  But when she saw the scratch marks and picked scabs that were weeping blood, Janet let out an exasperated sigh.  However, she was there as his friend, not his doctor.  She took some tissues from his nightstand and wiped the wounds gently.

“Well, I hope I don’t disappoint you too much.  The Colonel and SG-1 were called away off-world.  Shouldn’t be gone for long, though.  So… you’re stuck with me.”

He shrugged his shoulders.  He didn’t care anymore who was with him.  His mind was made up.

“Where’s your splint, Daniel?  You shouldn’t take it off except for showers.”

He pointed to the corner of the room where he had tossed it.  After retrieving the splint, Janet had him sit up and put it back on his healing hand. 

With another soft smile, she asked, “Why don’t you put some sweats on and come out to the kitchen.  Are you hungry?  I have some Chinese food coming.  Should be here pretty soon.”

“Sure.” Daniel said softly, standing and putting his sweatpants on, and followed her out.

As soon as they made to the kitchen, the doorbell rang.  Janet went to collect their dinner and Daniel sat down.  She placed the box full to bursting on the table and he raised his eyebrows at her.

“’hink ‘hak’s e’ough?” _< Think that’s enough?> _

Janet looked at him confused, “I’m sorry?”

Closing his eyes, and concentrating his hardest, he asked again, “th…ink thaaat’s ee…enough?”

“OH… sorry,” she said with a slight blush.  “I wasn’t sure how hungry you’d be, so I ordered… well, a lot.  And I have a special surprise for you after dinner.”

His brows shot up his forehead in surprise.  Doctor’s with gifts were always suspect in his book.  She just smiled and opened all the little boxes, pointing out what each item was.  Janet fetched plates and drinks for them, then sat down with him.  They ate for a while in silence.  Daniel was still trying to figure out how to run away.  Janet stealing glances at him, wondering what was going on inside his head.  She hoped that what she brought would help him with the pain and agony he was trying so hard to bury.

After they finish what they could, Daniel helped Janet to clean up and put the left-overs in the fridge.  They went into the living room and he sat in his corner of the couch, with Janet perched on the coffee table in front of him.

“Give me your hands, Daniel,” she said in a firm tone as she produced a fingernail clipper.

Daniel shook his head vehemently with a pout.

Janet gave him her no-nonsense doctor look and said, “I clip the fingernails or you get socks put on your hands.  And what I have as a surprise, you’re gonna need your fingers.  So, fork over the hands.”

As he grumbled in languages that Janet really didn’t need interpreted, she carefully cleaned the blood from under his nails and clipped them down.

“Not everyone gets to have their doctor give them a manicure.  You should count yourself as privileged,” Janet teased.

Daniel just growled at her, brows pulled low over his eyes.  She smiled while regaling him with all the comings and goings that had been going on at the base.  No matter how hard she tried to get him engage in the dialog, he wouldn’t play along.  When Janet finished with his hands, she cleaned the dried blood off his arms, and put Neosporin on the newer wounds.

Then she put all her doctoring things away and sat in front of him again, this time, with a wicked grin and a mischievous look.  He was now _very_ suspicious.  She was acting more like a… well a friend, than a doctor.

“Now, Daniel,” she said conspiratorially, “what I have for you is not something that will go over very well in most circles, so this has to be our little secret.  Okay?”

Daniel’s eyebrows rose to the ceiling.  With slow and purposeful effort, he asked, “ _’an…et, wha’ do you… ppplll’an on doin’ ta’ me?_ ”

“Nothing bad, I promise.  This is just to help you have an hour or two of peace from the demons that are haunting you.  It’ll help with the pain too.  Do you trust me?”

He considered her for a long moment.  She had always been there for him.  Always put him back together after every heinous thing that happened to him.  She’s dropped her busy life just to baby-sit him now.  Why would he not trust her?  He nodded his head with a curious grin.

“Good!  I have to set everything up first, then we will have a very good night together.”

Curiouser and curiouser.

Janet went to a box that she had by the front door and pulled out a myriad of candles and incense holders.  After lighting the candles and the long-perfumed sticks, she locked the door and pulled all the shades down.  Daniel followed her with wide eyes, trying to figure out what the hell she was up too.  The fragrance that wafted around the room reminded him of cold nights on Abydos.  He smiled at that warm memory.

Dimming all the lights, Janet turned the TV on and loaded a movie into the DVD player.  She disappeared into the kitchen again and a few seconds later, he could hear and smell popcorn.  When she came back into the living room, she handed him the snack and a Coke.  The TV drew his attentions when the music started, and he saw the movie she had brought was “The Wizard of Oz”.  However, she turned the sound from the TV off and placed a CD into Jack’s stereo system.  After she cued both the movie and the CD, Janet sat next to him on the couch and smiled.

“Ready?” she asked.

He nodded with his head cock to one side like a dog.  Then his eyes went as wide as they could, when she produced a marijuana joint out of her bag.

“This is for medicinal purposes.  Jack told me you were wound tighter than a fake Rolex and still having night-terrors.  This will help with both and any pain your ribs may be giving you.  I promise this will help.  Okay?”

With a wry grin on his face, he asked, “I take it… ‘ack knows ‘bout this… med’cal pro…cedure?”

The doctor blushed, “Not really.  This is just between you and me.  But I really think this will help you, Daniel.  There are tons of articles on the benefits of pot for people with PTSD and in pain.  All of them are good.  I’m not going to make you, but I strongly suggest you try it… at least tonight.  Are you willing?”

Daniel gave her a smirk and said, “’ight it up!”

Janet smiled and pulled a Bic out of her purse and lit the joint.  She took a long drag on it, held the smoke in for a few seconds, then released it.  “Do you know how to smoke this?”

“I gek ta idea,” he said and took the joint from her.  He took a small drag and coughed it out almost immediately, eyes watering.

“The first time is always hard.  Try again,” Janet said.

Daniel put the cigweed to his lips, and sucked in a long breath.  This time he was able to keep the smoke in.  When he let the air out, his eyes closed, and every tense muscle in his body relaxed.

“WOW!” he said when he opened his eyes.

He offered the joint back to Janet, but she shook her head, “Nope, that’s all for you.  I have to be the doctor now and make sure that everything stays okay.”

Daniel smiled, and took another hit as she started the movie and the CD at the same time.  He lifted an eyebrow, trying to figure out why she wasn’t playing the movie soundtrack.  Then he heard the haunting music begin.  At first, he couldn’t place it, but then Daniel realized it was Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” album.

Between the movie and the music, it didn’t take long for him to feel the effects of the pot.  In fact, it was the first time in months… maybe even since he’d be back alive, that he was chilled and stress-free.  The movie played on without his attention as he fell into the mood of the music.  The psychedelic sound had his mind floating away.  There was no more turmoil eating his soul.  He couldn’t see the faces of his tormentors anymore, only those of his friends… Jack first and foremost. His warm brown eyes, smiling at him.  The scarred eyebrow, corking up with a gentle smirk.  His arms wrapped around Daniel, holding him tenderly.  Jack’s voice telling him that everything was going to be okay.  The feel of his lips caressing Daniel’s.

He was shocked when Janet turned the movie off.  He hadn’t even realized it was over.  She stood and held her hand out to him.

“Come on, Daniel,” she said as she pulled him from his chair, “let’s get you to bed.  No other medication for you tonight.”

As he stood up to follower her, he stopped and grabbed the bowl with the rest of the popcorn, taking it with him.

Daniel smiled at Janet’s expression, “hungry!”

“I bet you are!  Come on, nice and slow.  Don’t think I could pull you off the ground if you fell.”

“’anet…” he said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, “you’re da best!  Da most awesome doctor in da, da… universe!  No one else knows dis, but, I’ve had a t’ing for you for a long time.  I t’ink I’d take you in a heartbeat.  Even though you’re… well… nevermind.” 

He giggled at himself.  Janet hadn’t expected his speech to be more understandable while he was high, but damned if it was completely coherent.  She figured it was because he was relaxed and not fighting the natural use of his healing tongue. 

“That’s sweet, Daniel.  Thank you.”

Sitting him on his bed, she lifted his legs and shifted him into a prone position, pulling the covers up to his chest.  Lastly, she took his askew glasses off his nose and placed them on his bed stand.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked while still holding her hand.

“Sure.”

“I’m gay,” he said softly.  Then his eyes opened wide at the realization of what he just said.  “I’ve never said that out loud before.”

“It’s a relief I bet,” Janet said as she held his hand.  “I want you to know, Daniel, that you being gay doesn’t bother me in the least.”

He smiled wistfully, as he considered his other secret.  “I’m in llllove wit’ someone.  But no’body can ever know, ‘cause it be bad.  But you’d da doctor, so you can’t tell, right?”  Janet nodded and he whispered, “It’s ‘ack… Jack.  Colonel Jona’fin fucking O’Neill… wit’ two L’s.  He is so hot!  ‘andsome, com… compassion…ate, and irritating as hell.  But I love him to death… and back!  Only, I can’t let anyone know.  He’d get into trouble, den he’d disown me.”

Janet smiled at him, “Oh, Daniel… believe me, he’d never disown you.  That’s why he wanted me to come and stay with you.  To make sure you were taken care of while he was gone.  He’s been very worried about you.”

Daniel looked up at her with amazement on his stoned face, “He is?  It not just an act?  But my dreams… da nigh’mares… he’s hated me.  Calls me names, turns his back on me.  Why?”

“Daniel, those are _just_ nightmares.  He would never turn his back on you.  You have to believe that.  And between you and me, I think there might be more to his caring for you than you think.  Keep that in mind, when you start to hurt yourself.  You would be destroying him as well.”

Daniel shook his head sadly, eyes beginning to sting, “I don’t wanna hurt him, ‘anet.  I _really_ love’em.  But… I can’t let’em as…accept my love ‘cause it would ruin his career,” his voice hitched and he let out a sob. “Wha’ the fuck can I do?  I need to leave.  I have to go away from him… so I don’t take’em down wiff me.  I’m a house of cards, ‘anet!  Wind blows and _poof_ … I’m def’royed.  I can’t do ‘at ta him.  Everything I love gets taken ‘way.  Killed, snaked… ruined!”

He started to get up, but Janet placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back down.  “You are not a house of cards, Daniel.  And even if you were, Jack O’Neill would be able to keep you altogether.  Believe in his friendship and the love he has for you.  If you don’t remember anything else from tonight, remember that.”

Daniel squeezed his eyes closed, letting the tears escape.  When he opened them, he reached under his pillow and pulled his wallet and passport out, handing them to her.

“I was gonna try an’ run ‘way while you were here.  I’m sorry.  Take t’ese away, please, so I can’t go.”

Janet was only slightly surprised.  Jack had warned her that Daniel could be very sneaky when he wanted to be.  And that he was worried about the fact that he had to go into work, leaving his friend in the fragile state that he was in.  She took the offered items and patted his head soothingly.

“Go to sleep, Daniel.  I’m sure that things will be okay.  You have a lot of friends and support around you.”

He nodded and drifted off to sleep.  Janet stayed with him until his breathe was even and deep, knowing he was truly asleep.


	6. See Through Heart

SG-1 came home two days later, none-the-worse for wear.  Mission accomplished and ready for down time, they hurried through the debrief and after mission check-ups.

Three hours after stepping through the gate, Jack was opening the front door of his house and dropping his bag to the ground.  A second later, strong arms tightly wrapped him.

“’ack!” Daniel cried out as he squeezed him even more.  “I’m so happy you’re home!!”

When Jack was able to extract himself for the bearhug, he smiled at his friend.  He looked different, more relaxed, but also a little… stoned?  His eyes were dark and the pupils were very dilated.  What the fuck was going on here?  Taking a sniff, he smelled the incense, popcorn, and something else.

Daniel grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room.  Janet appeared from the kitchen carrying a bowl of fresh popcorn.  Jack raised an eyebrow at her as she looked up, startled at his appearance. 

“Oh!  Colonel,” the doctor said with surprise.  “I wasn’t expecting you home.”

Jack gave her a thin smile and asked, “Is that stinkweed I smell, Doc?”

Blushing, she dropped her eyes to the floor.  Daniel, however, gave Jack a huge smile.  “For medicinal purposes, ‘ack,” he said, then pointed to himself, “I can talk better wiff it.  And I’ve slept through da night two times with _no_ nightmares!!  Great, huh?”

“Janet, why have you gotten my archeologist stoned?” he asked, but didn’t look angry.

“You heard him, sir.  He’s talking better and has slept well.  I’ve only let him have a small amount and I’ve been keeping careful watch, he’s in no danger.”

“Don’ be mad at ‘anet, ‘ack!  She’s been a great babysitter!  She’s kept me fed and watered.  Made sure I bathed and slept.  She’s been a wonderful friend.  ‘ust like you!”

The colonel couldn’t help but chuckle at him.  He looked better than he had in months.  And other then his lack of the ‘J’ sound, ‘TH’ coming out as “F’s” and a few dropped ‘T’s’, it was nice to hear his speech almost back to normal.  Daniel pulled him over and pushed him onto the couch, then sat next to him, still holding onto his arm.  Janet handed the newcomer the bowl of popcorn and sat in the arm-chair.

“How much has he had?” Jack asked the doctor.

“One joint per evening… I didn’t partake.  I think the reason he’s speaking better, is because he’s relaxed and not trying so hard.  And like he told you, he’s been sleeping much better.  Colonel, I am a physician, so this is more or less legal.”

“More or less,” Jack laughed and shook his head.  “It’s okay, Doc.  I didn’t ask, you don’t need to tell.  Besides, I’m kinda liking this.  He seems a lot better, at least right now.  How is he in the morning?”

“A little foggy, but it usually wears off by lunch-time,” Janet smiled at the two men.

“My speech therapist says I’m doing good when I’m relaxed and not trying so hard.  Jjjjj… ‘J’s still giving me trouble,” Daniel reported.  “And when I speak too fast.”

“I guess that’s about it, Colonel.  Since you’re home now, I’ll gather up my things and head out.  Cassie has been calling non-stop.  I’m almost scared to go home.”

After she was all packed and ready to go, Daniel jumped to his feet and wrapped her in a hug, lifting her off the ground.  He set her down and gave her a kiss, smiling like a school boy, “Thank you, ‘anet.  For everything.”

“You’re very welcome, Daniel,” she laughed.  Lowering her voice, and placing a hand on his cheek, she said, “Now remember, you need to talk with Jack… honestly.  Let him know what’s in your heart.  Don’t be afraid, he would never turn away from you.”

He lowered his gaze to the floor and nodded.  His arms already circling around his body in a self-hug.  Jack came up behind them and thanked the doctor again, then walked her to her car.  Once outside and away from Daniel, Janet turned a concerned expression to Jack.

“He’s very scared that you will hate him, sir, because of his feelings.  Please, listen to him with an open mind.  Most of the dreams he’s been having revolve around his orientation and how you will treat him.  I think he’s fighting with himself about coming to terms with his heart’s desire.”

Jack stuffed his hands into his pockets and shuffled his feet.  “I know.  And I know how he feels about me, Janet.  I just don’t completely know how _I_ feel about that.  He’s my best friend and I’d die for him, but… there is something else stirring inside me that has my head spinning outta control.  I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t know what to do.”

Janet place a hand on his arm and gave it a squeeze, “Just love him, Jack.  Like you have for a long time.  If something more blooms from that, accept it as serendipity and embrace him as your own.  Love and happiness comes in all shapes and sizes.  Love is fluid, Jack.”

He let out a laugh and hugged her, “You’re the second person to tell me that,” he said and opened the car door for Janet, “Think he’s gonna be okay for a heart to heart tonight?”

“He’s not _that_ stoned, Jack.  I think it would be a good thing.”  Janet then rummaged in her bag and handed him a baggie with three more joints in it.  “Oh, and his wallet and passport are hidden in the lockbox you have his medicine in.  Which by the way, I had to crawl onto the counter to get at.  It’s now under your bed.  He was going to run away while you were gone.”

“Damn it!”

“He coughed them up on his own, and came clean about what he was going to do.  Cut him some slack.”

“I will.  Thanks again,” Jack said and waved as she backed out of the driveway.  When he turned back to the house, he saw Daniel peering out of the curtains.   Before Jack got inside, he slipped back into his bedroom.

Jack did a quick clean-up of the living room and grabbed his bag to head back to his bedroom.  As he passed the door to Daniel’s room, he stopped and looked in.  The man was sitting on his bed, fiddling with his splint with his head bowed.  He didn’t seem happy or even stoned any longer.

The older man rapped on the door softly and waited for the invitation.  When it finally came, Jack stepped in and went to sit next to his friend.  Both were quiet for a long time, lost in their own troubled thoughts.

After a few minutes, Jack stood, held out his hand to Daniel, and said, “Come on, Danny.  Why don’t you come and sleep in my bed tonight?  That way you will be sure that I’m home and okay.”

With a surprised look, Daniel took the offered hand and followed him into the bedroom.  They both got ready for bed in silence.  Daniel waited for Jack to turn the covers down and slip in before he followed suit.  Jack pulled him close, having Daniel’s head rest on his shoulder, holding him in his strong arms.

“I missed you, Danny.  I’m really glad you were here when I came home,” Jack whispered as he petted the soft hair.  He could feel Daniel snuggle even closer to his side.

“I’m sorry I was thinking of leaving, Jjj ‘ack.  I was upset that you left wiffout saying anything.”

“You were asleep, Danny.  You’ve been having such a hard time getting the rest you need, I didn’t want to disturb you.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay now.  You’re home… wiff me,” he sniffled back the tears.  “’ack, don’t be mad at ‘anet for the pot.  It’s really helped me out, ya’ know.”

Jack chuckled, “I’m not mad.  Janet gave me a few more for you.  You have to share though.”

Daniel’s head snapped up and looked at him with astonishment.  Jack laughed again, “I grew up in the sixties, Daniel.  Of course, I smoked pot!!”

They both snickered and settled down to sleep, never letting the other go.

***

The following Thursday saw both Jack and Daniel outside the Academy library steeling their nerves to enter their first group meeting with Joey and Drew.  Daniel was shaking ever so slightly, so Jack patted him on the back comfortingly.

“Come on,” he said softly, “let’s get this over with.  Who knows?  Maybe it will help.”

Daniel gave him sidelong look.  With a deep breath, both men walked into the building.  They found the right room and entered.  Drew was out of his chair and hugging them both the moment they were seen.

“I’m so glad you guys made it!” he said with a smile that would light up the Stargate.  “Daniel, you’re looking better.  How are you feeling?”

He shrugged and answered, “Better, I guess.”

Drew’s eyebrows rose and he grinned, “Your speech is really good.  Guess your tongue is healing well?”

Daniel nodded and moved a little closer to Jack as Drew pulled them to the circle of chairs.  Joey stood up and greeted them with a handshake and shoulder bump.  It didn’t take long for them to be overwhelmed with other introductions.  There were five men and two women in the group.

Jack brought Daniel a cup of coffee and sat down with him.  Again, Daniel moved close to his friend, keeping his head down and only glancing over his glasses every once and a while.  His leg was shaking up and down like a piston and he kept rubbing the palms of his hands on his jeans.  Jack could see the sweat beading up on his forehead.  Without hesitation, he reached over and took Daniel’s hand in his, fingers laced together, he squeezed it gently.  Daniel looked at him surprised then gave him a half-hearted little smile.  When he tried to pull away, thinking that Jack wouldn’t want people to wonder about them, and was shocked that the man wouldn’t let go.

Joey began the meeting, “We have a couple of new faces tonight.  With that in mind, I’m going to remind everyone of the rules here.  No last names.  No confrontation, and the main rule?”

“Complete honesty,” everyone said together.

With a grin, Joey nodded.  “How about some introductions?”

Soft voices said names around the circle.  When it was Daniel’s turn, his mouth was so dry, he couldn’t get the words out.  Jack came to his rescue again.

“This is Daniel and I’m Jack,” he told the others.

The meeting was pretty much what Jack had expected.  Neither he nor Daniel said much, but listened.  There were two men that had been attacked because they were gay, and one woman that had been raped by her ex-boyfriend.  There were tears and encouragement and complete acceptance.  No one even looked funny at Jack holding his friend’s hand for the whole meeting.  He was sure that two of the other men were also military.  Being in the service for as long as Jack has been, he could spot a fellow soldier.

When the meeting was over, everyone milled around, chatting.  The two that Jack pegged as military came over to talk with him.

“Sir,” the one named Steven said in a low voice, “I know that this is a safe place, but I also know that you’re an officer.  Will my boyfriend and I be okay?”

Jack smiled warmly at him, “Steven, I have random voluntary amnesia.  You and the one you love is your business.  Not mine, not the military’s, not Uncle Sam’s.  I respect your devotion to your partner, helping him though his trauma.  Just like I’m here for Daniel.”

Steven smiled with a breath of relief and nodded, “Thank you, sir.  It’s been very hard to keep my private life… well, private, as a Marine.  And very hard to keep a civil tongue in my mouth when the other men in my unit start with the gay bashing shit.  I just wish I could find a place that would accept me without judgement and still be a part of the Marines.  My whole life I wanted to follow in my dad’s bootsteps, now I’m questioning if I should stay or separate from the service.”

“What do you do, Steven?” Jack asked.

“Aviation Weapons and Tactics Squadron One, here on lone for training at the Academy.”

Jack nodded and thought for a few minutes.  Sizing the young man up, he decided to offer him another option.  “Have you ever considered a rotation with the Air Force here at Cheyanne Mountain?”

Steven’s eyes went wide.  “I’ve heard some of the crazy shit that happened up there, but it was always just rumors.  Still, whatever’s going on up there, I’d be an idiot not to check it out. 

“I kinda noticed the way you kept hold of the Daniel’s hand throughout the meeting.  Are you flyboys more open minded then jarheads are?”

“Well,” Jack said, a smile pulling at the edges of his lips, “I can’t say for all the Air Force, but our little corner of the world is a lot more… accepting.  The whole base is more like family.  If you’re up for something very new and exciting…”

“Yes, sir,” Steven said standing up ramrod straight, “I would be extremely interested in a transfer.”

Jack smiled, “All right, Marine, at ease.  I’ll see what I can do.  If you get orders from either Colonel O’Neill, me, or General George Hammond, I’d open it right away.  I know we aren’t supposed swap last names here, but if you could, so I know where to send the orders.”

“Yes, sir!”

After Jack took all of Steven’s information, he turned to look for Daniel.  He found him sitting with Drew and Joey, and actually looking somewhat comfortable.  He wondered over and sat with them.

“’ack, Drew and ‘oey have asked if we’d like to go ou’ and have a couple of drinks wiff fem ‘onight.  Wha’da fink?”

The brightness of Daniel’s eyes, had Jack smiling.  He hadn’t seen him playful in a long time.  “Sure.  Why not.”  As an afterthought, he asked the other two men, “Is it a…”

Joey grinned, “Technically, no, but a lot of LGBT folks go there.  We feel safe and welcomed.  The owner son was gay.  He committed suicide in his freshman year of college because of harassment.  His father opened the bar to all who love.  No matter who you love.”

Daniel looked crestfallen when he heard that.  Jack wouldn’t want anyone to see him at a place where gay people frequented.  Especially with him.  “I’s okay, ‘ack.  I’m getting kinda ‘ired anyway.”

“Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?” Jack said in mock disappointment, “Damn Daniel, that hurts!  Right here!” he hit his own chest above his heart.

Daniel’s eyes went wide and he shook his head no, “No, ‘ack!  T’at’s not what I meant… I’m sorry.”

Jack laughed at him, stood and pulled him up out of his seat, “I was joking, Danny.  Let’s go.  It’ll be fun and a nice distraction.”

If Daniel’s smile was brighter then Jack had seen in quite some time.

***

As soon as the four men stepped into the Underground Bar & Grill, Jack did his usual threat assessment.  What he saw were several people he knew from the base.  Some were civilian contractors but there were quite a few airmen and women also.  When they noticed the Colonel, several tried to shrink back into the dark, not wanting to be seen.  Jack was heartened by the military personal there.  He felt that Daniel would be more comfortable at work when he got back, knowing that he wasn’t the only gay person at the SGC.

“’ack,” Daniel said close to his ear, “I fink you’re causing a stir.”

O’Neill gave him a half grin and flung his arm over his shoulder, “So what.  Let’s get a table and some drinks.  We’re just a couple of dudes out with friends tonight.”

They made their way close to the dance floor and grabbed a table.  When the drinks came, Jack saw the few airmen that had looked like deer in headlights, begin to relax.  It was a little louder than Daniel expected, but not so much they couldn’t hold a conversation.

The night was full of laughter and alcohol and by his third glass of wine, Daniel was already buzzed.  Jack paced himself, since he was driving.  He got to know Joey and Drew and found them to be almost like younger versions of he and Daniel.

Joey had a sarcastic sense of humor while Drew was more laid back with a dry wit.  They would get up and dance a few times, when the music was right, asking if Jack or Daniel would like to join them.  Both the older men politely declined, but Jack did notice his friend bopping to the music every once and awhile.  He smiled and wondered what it would be like to dance with him.

After an hour or so, the karaoke started.  Daniel asked if Jack wanted to leave, but he was having too much fun watching his archeologist loosen up, so he said no.  Shortly after that, Joey grabbed Drew and whispered in his ear, then both men stood and grinned at Jack and Daniel.  They made their way to the stage and signed up for a song.  They didn’t have wait long.  It seemed that they were a popular couple of singers by the ovation they received as they took the mikes.

Joey smiled over at his new friends and said, “This is for a couple of guys, that have been having a rough time finding each other.  Jack, Daniel, this is a safe place for everyone.  How about a dance.”

The place erupted with applause as a blush lit Daniel’s face.  He looked down, completely embarrassed and knew that Jack would probably be angry at Joey for calling him out.  Instead, he felt Jack’s hand on his, pulling him to his feet and onto the dance floor as Drew started singing.

 

 _I wish that I was good_  
_At hide and go seek_  
_‘Cause every time I hide_  
_You find me_  
  
_And I wish that my smile_  
_Wouldn’t skip a beat_  
_When the phone calls and shortfalls_  
_Remind me_  
_Of the fear that’s underneath_  
  
_But that’s just my see-through heart_  
_I can’t hide the way I’m feeling_  
_And that’s just the funny part_  
_I don’t even know I’m bleeding_  
_But you have ways of seeing through_  
  
_I wish that I could act_  
_Like in Hollywood_  
_I’d play a real mean James Dean_  
_If only I could_  
  
_And I wish that I was wise_  
_Like King Solomon_  
_I’d have you so convinced_  
_That I’m everything I want_

  
_But that’s just my see-through heart_  
_I can’t hide the way I’m feeling_  
_And that’s just the funny part_  
_I don’t even know I’m bleeding_  
_But you have ways of seeing through_

 _I won’t pretend that it’s my decision_  
_I know I’m no match for your x-ray vision_  
_But I don’t mind_  
_As long as you don’t_  
_Change your mind_  
_Don’t change your mind…_  
  
_When you see my see-through heart_  
_‘Cause I can’t hide the way I’m feeling_  
_And that’s just the funny part_  
_I don’t even know I’m bleeding_  
_That’s just my see-through heart_  
_But just maybe you’re my healing_  
_‘Cause you have ways_  
_Of seeing through_

_<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2WKLdxWumM> _

 

“Jjjjack,” Daniel mumbled to him, “you don’ need ttttto do this.  What if someone here tells the General?”

The older man twirled Daniel around then pulled him to his chest with his arms loosely wrapped around his waist.  He leaned in and whispered, “So the fuck what.  I’m in my fifties.  If they want to drum me outta the Force, big deal.  You are more important to me than the job.  And they can’t do a damn thing to you.”

Daniel smiled sweetly and gazed at him though his eyelashes.  As they listened to the words of the song and swayed to the melody, Daniel laid his head onto Jack’s shoulder, enjoying the moment with every fiber of his soul.  He had dreamed of doing this very thing so many times, he couldn’t even venture a guess at the number.  This was as close to heaven as he had ever been.

Jack closed his eyes and fell into the moment.  He _really_ didn’t care if someone outed him.  Daniel was everything to him and it was time that he grew a pair and let him know it.  As they slowly rocked to the song, Jack realized just how much the man in his arms meant to him.  How much he really did love him.  With Daniel’s arms wrapped around his shoulders and his head resting comfortably just under his chin, the quiet stirrings that had been fluttering around in his heart the last few weeks, exploded like a ton of C4 and he knew… knew! that he was in love with this man.

When the song came to an end, Jack leaned back to look Daniel in the eyes.  Without a second thought, he kissed him with a gentle resolve.

As they went back to their table, a young man approached and placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder.  “Thank you, Colonel,” he simply said, then turned and smiled at his boyfriend.

Jack stood and shook both their hands, “All’s good, Airman.  Enjoy yourselves.”

The four men decided to leave shortly after the dance.  As they stepped into the cold Colorado night, they said their goodbyes, each couple going their separate ways. 

Jack unlocked the passenger door for Daniel, turned and saw the sweetest smile on his face.  He smiled back.

“Thank you for the dance, Jjjack,” Daniel whispered shyly.

An overwhelming wave of emotion descended on Jack.  He reached out and cupped Daniel’s face, looking deeply into his eyes.  What he saw was pure love.  The kind of love that only a few people will ever know in their lifetime.  The tug that gripped Jack, was like a hook wrapped around his gut, pulling him towards the man that stole his heart.

Eyes sliding closed, Jack covered Daniel’s lips with his and kissed him.  Gently and passionately it started, but the force of newly discovered feelings had the kiss deepen.  As Jack’s tongue slipped into Daniel’s mouth, he could hear the groan rumble in the younger man’s chest.  Pulling Daniel closer still, he tightened the hug, running his hands through the soft strands of hair.  This was as close to perfect as Jack had ever felt.

Until…

“Lookie here!” a malicious voice said behind the two men.  “A couple of faggots swappin’ spit!”

“Uwww!  That makes my stomach sick!”

Jack stepped back and opened the door of his truck.  “Daniel get in… now!”

Daniel stood rooted to the ground, wide eyes and all the color drain from his face.  He started shaking so hard his glasses slid down his nose.

“Get in, Danny,” Jack said again softly as he pushed Daniel into the cab.

When Jack closed the door, he turned and leveled a black gaze at the two young men.  With an easy stance, he sized them up.

“I suggest you leave now and no one will get hurt.”

“Listen to that!” one of the men laughed, “this old man thinks he can take us on.”

The other man laughed also and poked Jack in the chest, “Old faggot.”

With speed that rivaled lightning, Jack grabbed the man’s finger, breaking it, then kicked the other man in the balls.  He turned back to the first victim and using the palm of his hand, hit the guy in the nose, breaking it also.

As both would-be attackers lay moaning on the parking lot, Jack stepped over them, walked calmly to the driver’s side of the truck and got in.  He didn’t even break a sweat.

***

As soon as the door was opened to Jack’s house, Daniel was running to the bathroom.  Jack sighed.  It had been such a great night.  Why can’t fate, the universe or whatever just leave the man alone?  He walked back to the bathroom and heard Daniel heaving.  Jack walked in and sat on the tub next to him, rubbing his back in gentle circles.  When nothing more would come up, the older man helped him to his feet.  He handed him the mouthwash and a cup of water then took him into the bedroom.  They sat down on Daniel’s bed, Jack’s arm around him, holding him close.

“Want to talk about it?” he asked the softly sobbing man.

Daniel shook his head no and wiped his face with a hand.

“You want to smoke one of the joints?  Calm down a bit?” Jack offered.  Daniel grinned sheepishly, but shook his head no.  He’d take his anxiety meds tonight.

“I had a great night with you.  It was really fun,” Jack said, trying to pull more happy thoughts for his friend to think about.  He received a small nod.  “You’re a great dancer, ya’ know.  I haven’t done that in a _very_ long time.  It was nice.”  He could see the corners of his mouth twitch up.  That was an improvement.  “Do you want to go to bed now?  You look tired.”  There was an answering shrug.  He stood up and said, “I’ll go and get the bed ready.”

As he turned to go, a small voice followed him, “Jjjjack… thank you.”

It didn’t take Jack long before he was collecting Daniel for bed.  Tucking him in, he brought his friend’s night time drugs and a glass of water.  When everything was done, Jack slipped into bed and wrapped Daniel up in his arms.  Placing a kiss on his head, he felt the other man’s breathing even out almost instantly.  Just as he thought Daniel was asleep, he heard his small voice.

“’ack?  Do you really love me?”

He had to consider that question.  Daniel stirred, turned on his side, propping his head on his hand to look at the man next to him.  Jack gazed into those soulful blue eyes and felt his heart jump out of his chest.  He reached up and placed his hand on Daniel’s cheek.  He felt as if everything in the universe slammed into perfect symmetry.  He moved his hand to the nap of Daniel’s neck, pulling him to meet his lips.

The kiss started innocently as before, but only for a moment.  Jack’s tongue demanded entrance and was pleased to be given permission.  He wasted no time deepening the kiss, pulling Daniel closer to him.  Jack ran his hands through the soft spiky strands of hair on the back of his neck.

Daniel came willing into the embrace.  His dreams coming true.  He felt the blood rushing to his dick as they continued to wrestle with each other’s tongue.  Tentatively, Daniel ran his hand down Jack’s chest.  He carded through the soft hair before reaching his intended target.  Jack moaned deep as the nimble fingers toyed with the hardening nub of his nipple.  Emboldened by not being rejected, Daniel trailed his hand further down, following the happy trail of hair to the waistband of Jack’s boxers.  When he received no resistance, Daniel’s hand cupped his partner’s groin, pleased to feel it harden under his touch.

The bulge in Daniel’s shorts grew bigger with untold excitement.  This was Jack!  His hand was stroking Jack O’Neill’s dick.  As his brain completely wrapped around this fantasy come true, he had to try for more.  Kicking the covers off them, he slipped Jack’s boxers over his hips for better access.  His fingers wrapped around the fully engaged cock.  Daniel leaned back to find Jack’s face a mixture of awe and panic.  His dark brown eyes were wide with an anxious look, but he never moved to stop his friend from stroking the length of velvety skin. 

“I want you to jjjerk you off, J’ack,” Daniel said softly. 

The older man looked unsure at first, but nodded his head as he felt Daniel’s talented fingers ghosted over the ruddy head of his dick.  Jack lifted his ass and let his boxers be pushed down his legs.  As his cock jumped with anticipation, Daniel licked his lips and groaned deep in his throat.  The younger man scooted down and began to study the member with all the intensity that he would if Jack’s penis was a priceless artifact.  Daniel cataloged every place that would pull a moan or a thrust from his partner, for later investigation. 

Jack was a grower!  Daniel knew his CO was big.  Base showers leave very little to hide.  However, hadn't expected it to look so goddamn nice.  It reminded him of a smooth, fat Cuban cigar.  Long, and thick with a girthy swell that reached down to his balls.  The kind of mouth-watering thickness that just dared Daniel’s lips to wrap around it and suck for all he was worth.  The helmeted head, smooth and weeping.  His shaft arched gracefully over his lower abdomen.  The hairy sacks, heavy and malleable. 

Daniel inhaled the heady aroma of Jack’s masculinity.  He was drunk with the scent instantly.  He nuzzled the heavy balls as Jack spread his legs wider for better access.  Daniel concentrated on pleasuring the man lain out before him.  It was a surreal moment.  He gently, slowly pulled his own cock as he worked Jack higher.  His interest wasn’t his own pleasure at that moment, only the sensations he was giving his long-time fantasy lover.

Daniel could feel Jack’s moans and groans reverberate through his flesh and resonate deep down.  He could feel his heartbeat race, breath quicken, just through Jack’s dick.  Daniel’s breath came in short gasps as his excitement ratcheting higher with mounting tension.  Jack’s hips thrusted uncontrollably into Daniel’s hand.

He couldn’t wait any longer.  Daniel dove down and consumed the weeping cock to the root.  Jack gasped, but didn’t stop him.  The smooth skin tasted just as Daniel imagined it would.  Salty-sweet and positively male.  He was enthralled with pleasuring Jack with lips and tongue… nips and long slow sucks.  Running his tongue around the edge just under the dick’s head, Daniel was pleased at the sound that he pulled from Jack.  He wanted to express everything he had kept hidden for so long with this one act.

With eyes closed, hands fisting through Daniel’s hair, Jack let his linguist work the tongue he often cursed.  It took every ounce of cognizant thought not to thrust too hard into the mouth that ravaged him.  It had been so damned long since anyone other than ‘Rosy Palmer and her five friends’ touched him like this.

With one long suck from balls to tip, Jack cried out as he shot his load into his friend’s waiting mouth.  Daniel made sure to get every burst of semen that squirted down his throat.  When he was sure, that Jack was completely clean, he fell onto his back with a satisfied moan.  A few quick strokes of his own cock, Daniel came all over his hand and stomach.  It was phenomenal!

“That was better than I ever dreamed it would be, J’ack,” he said softly.  When there was no answer, Daniel looked over, afraid that maybe he went too far, too fast.

The look on Jack’s face was pure shock.  Eyes wide open, staring unseeingly at the ceiling and mouth agape.  All of Daniel’s fears rushed in on him.  He had done it now!  Jack would be kicking him out of his bed and maybe even out of the house any second.  With his heart dropping to his stomach, Daniel heard the disparaging voices begin their taunts. 

Faggot.  Worthless.  He’ll hate even looking at you now!  Just run away, like the little bitch that you are!  Run queer!!  Run!!

Daniel jumped from the bed and ran out of the room.

He was at the front door, trying to get it unlocked, fumbling through the tears that streamed down his face.  He didn’t care that it was winter in Colorado and he was only in sweatpants.  He just needed to get out of there as fast as he could.  If he froze to death before anyone found him, so much the better.

When he finally got the door open, it was slammed shut before he could move.  Jack stood there, fist on the door, a stony expression on his face.  Daniel backed away, terrified.  When the older man moved towards him, Daniel dropped to the floor, arms over his head as he curled into a tight ball, screaming.

“I’M SORRY!! I’M SORRY!! DON’T HURT ME!!”

Jack wrapped his arms around the terrified man, pulling him into his lap and caressing him.  With a soft and urgent voice, he whispered, “Danny, Danny, Danny.  I’m not going to hurt you.  Why the hell would I hurt the one person I love more than life itself?”

Daniel gasped, “but, but you looked like… like…”

Jack chuckled, “like I just had my brains sucked outta my dick!?  Well yeah… Daniel!  After a blow job that spectacular, what the hell did you expect from an old man like me?”

Daniel blinked.  Blinked again.  “You… you don’t hate me?”

“Good God, Danny!  You really don’t get it, do you?  I.  Love.  You!  I’m IN love with you.  And if that is the only thing you can keep at the forefront of that over educated brain of yours, so much the better.  I love you, Daniel Jackson!”

Jack leaned down and kissed him passionately, not letting him go.  He needed to be sure that Daniel understood what he told him.  The need for air separated the two men.  Daniel considered Jack’s eyes, seeing the warmth the bright brown orbs held for him.

Jack smiled, “Now, let’s get back to _our_ warm bed before we catch pneumonia.  I really don’t want Fraiser hanging around to nurse us back to health.  I want you all to myself.”

Jack stood up, and pulled the still dumbfounded man off the floor, hugging him tightly.

With a smirk, Jack said, “Jesus, if I had known that you could give a BJ that skillfully, I wouldn’t have had to suffer with blue-balls the last several years!!” 

Daniel giggled as he padded along with him.  They both laid down and snuggled under the warm blankets, arms wrapped around each other.  After a few moments, Jack could feel Daniel smile against his chest.  His warm breath ghosted out, tickling the hair on his pecks as Daniel said, “I love you too, Jack.”

With a pleased grin, Jack hugged Daniel closer and began to wonder why this strong and independent man had crumbled so completely.  The younger man had stood toe to toe with Goa’ulds and never backed down.  Hell, he stood toe to toe with Jack himself.  Why was he so fragile this time?  The attack must have really triggered something deep down.

Running his fingers softly through Daniel’s hair, he asked, “Danny, why did you think I would hurt you?”

The man tensed for a moment.  It was a few minutes before he finally answered.  “Do you remember Steven?”

Jack nodded.

“We were in a relationship shortly after Sarah dumped me.  At first, it was great.  I thought I finally found someone to love and who loved me.  I was even quietly okay with being gay.”

Daniel shifted onto his side and propped his head in his hand, looking at Jack with sad eyes.

“Whenever he wanted me to, to give him a blow job, Steven was always rough with me.  He would hold my head as he fucked my mouth… violently.  He was the one that made me grow my hair long, so he had something to hang onto.  After he would cum, the next thing he did was haul off and slug me.  At first, I thought, _wow, that was unexpected_ , but it was the same thing every time.  When he wanted to fuck me, he would throw me onto the bed… floor… chair, where ever, and start by hitting me until I stopped moving.  It was always from behind.  He said he didn’t want to look at me, he just wanted to get off.  That was his style I guess.

“Steven never cuddled or kissed.  Just beat me and call me names.  I don’t think he ever considered himself as gay… I was just his fuck doll.  The longer I stayed with him, the more violent he became.  When I tried to leave him, he broke my arm.  I almost failed that semester.

“I began to stay at the campus library all night, just so I didn’t have to be anywhere near him.  When I did go back to my room, he was always there… waiting.  One time with two other guys.  That was one of the longest nights of my life.  It was like being 11 years old all over again.”

Pausing, Daniel wiped at his eyes.  Jack stayed quiet, knowing how hard this was for his new lover to voice.  He rubbed Daniel’s back encouragingly.

“I transferred to Chicago University shortly after that and swore never to give-in to my sexuality again.  I drowned myself in my studies and ignored any feelings that would surface.  That was until I met a certain Colonel in the Air Force,” Daniel said with a shy smile.

Jack pulled him close and kissed him thoroughly.  “I promise not to tell that Colonel that your with me now, but you will have to break it off before we go any farther.”

The laugh Daniel gave him was as if angles were filling his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See Through Heart by Sebell


	7. The Sound of Clouds Crashing

The smell of coffee and toast tickled his nose.  Jack shifted in bed, reached out to find the space next to him empty.  That was a good thing.  It meant that Daniel was in the kitchen and not some burglar cooking himself breakfast.  He stretched contentedly with warm feelings of the night before.  Daniel had blown his mind as he blew his johnson.  If Jack had known how earth-shattering his friend could make that simple act, he would have partaken a hellava lot sooner!!

He heard footsteps approach and closed his eyes.  Daniel softly touched his shoulder, shaking it slightly.  When Jack opened his eyes, he was greeted with a plate of toast and eggs, and a hot mug of coffee, just the way he loved it.

“Mmmmmmm, morning, Danny,” he smiled and sat up.  “This is nice.  Breakfast in bed… to what do I owe this royal treatment?”

Daniel smiled shyly.  He shrugged, “’ust cause.”

“Mmm-hmm.”

Looking down at his hands, Daniel’s face grew pensive.  “Cause you didn’t kick me out last night.”

Jack looked startled.  With brows drawn low he asked, “What’da mean?  I’d never kick you out.  This is as much your home now as it is mine.”

Daniel shrugged again as he nibbled on his lip.  Jack handed him a piece of toast, “Here, Danny, nibble on this… it’s better for you.”

With a slight laugh, he took the offered bread.  They sat and ate together in companionable silence.  When Jack finished his eggs, he stretched again and moaned.

“I’ll let you get up,” Daniel said as he took the empty plate.

***

The days were slowly getting better for Daniel.  His sessions with Dr. Fleming and meetings with Joey had done him a world of good, even though he was completely drained afterwards.   His speech was back to normal, much to Dr. Frasier’s surprise.  Jack had to remind the good doctor that Daniel was _always_ full of surprises!  General Hammond even sent him some work that he could do at home.  A few translations to occupy his time.  The linguist was ecstatic at having the distraction from all the other things going on in his life.

A winter storm hit full force, causing the two men to be house-bound for a few days.  Jack sat at the kitchen table reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder.  He was very surprised that no one ever saw the symptoms in Daniel before.  Then again, Danny was extremely good at hiding his own pain.  He read about the ‘shame of abandonment’ and how the authentic self is lost, fragmented, and repressed.  Daniel’s grandfather furthered those feeling’s in the young child by rejecting him outright.  He learned that BPD was the equivalent to a black-hole.  An abyss in between love and hate, a seemingly endless space of dark, dingy, determined self-destructive drudgery.

How could anyone live with such a hole in their soul, yet be responsible for such kindness and love for those around them?  Daniel was always showing people love and dignity that they deserved, but he could never accept in himself.  His compassion is what drew Teal’c to his side.  Daniel’s ability to forgive was one of the very things that made Jack love him so much.   Daniel’s abandonment created a gut-wrenching storm inside his heart that seemed to put out any flames of hope or love.  It then becomes Daniel himself, that kills any chance of being loved because he’s so afraid of being discarded again.

As Jack mulled this information over, he really began to see why his friend never liked getting close to anyone.  But he was close to Jack… wasn’t he?  Is that why Jack had to constantly reassure Daniel that he wouldn’t kick him out… or hate him?  He also knew that Daniel was struggling with accepting his homosexuality.  That alone could drive a person to irrationality… not being able to accept the love that by his very nature, was meant for his fulfillment in life.  Love begged for, but at the same time, chased away, all in the name of trying to repair the damage of his shattered youth.

Jack decided it was time for he and Daniel to have a serious conversation.  He glanced over to the man, hunched over a laptop, working on some strange scribbles.  He was sure that no matter what was said, it would have to be reaffirmed continuously.  Still, he had to start somewhere and knowing he would get resistance, Jack deployed: Operation Stoned Danny.

“Hey, Daniel,” Jack called to him from the kitchen.  “Let’s go for a walk.”

Daniel was in the living room working on a new translation when Jack yelled.  He slowly turned and looked at him with wide eyes.  “It’s snowing, Jack!  Hard!!”

“Yeah… so?”

“And it’s cold!” the desert born man whined.

“How long have you lived here?  Come on!  It’s beautiful outside.  We’ll be the first to make tracks in the snow,” he pleaded.

“That’s because everyone else is smart enough to stay inside.” Daniel retorted.

Jack grabbed their heavy coats and scarfs.  He went to the living room where Daniel was still bent over his laptop working.  He held the garments out with a sad-puppy pout.  “Come on, Danny!!  It’ll be fun!  When’s the last time you played in the snow?”

Daniel thought for a moment, “when I was ten!”

“See!” Jack crowed, “you’re long overdue!!”

Daniel rolled his eyes at him and let out a long sigh.  He stood up and took the offered coat.  He wasn’t going to tell Jack that when he was ten, his ‘playing’ in the snow consisted of his foster father making him shovel the two-car driveway and sidewalks in just a tee-shirt, jeans, and worn-out tennis shoes.  By the time he finished, he was half frozen and sick for two weeks.  Seeing the utter look of joy on Jack’s face made him want to give a little back for all he had done for him.

They stepped outside and Jack breathed in a long breathe.  With a huge grin, he took Daniel’s hand and lead him off the porch and into the winter wonderland.  The two men walked in the brisk air through the falling snow in peace for a long time.  Jack was working out his battle plans for the dreaded touchy-feely discussion.  It was going to be hard for both of them.  O’Neill’s weren’t big on emoting as a general rule.  He felt that with this nice cold walk in the beautiful snowy paradise would be a great starting point.  Get Daniel good and cold, take him home and light a blazing fire.  Then fix a hot mug of Irish cocoa, complete with the finest Irish whisky, bundle both of them in a nice warm afghan together and then light up the joint.  Should work perfectly!

Daniel was enjoying being out with Jack, even though he was freezing.  The snow falling were big, fluffy flakes that looked like Christmas card snapshots.  It was still and clear.  The air smelled of pine and fireplace smoke.  Suddenly, Daniel realized that Jack was humming a Christmas carol softly.  He smiled and moved closer to him.  Peaceful.  Everything was peaceful.  Jack put his arm around Daniel’s shoulders, snuggling as close as he could and still walk straight.

The two men veered off the trail into the woods.  Daniel wondered where they were going.  Jack came to a stop beside some trees with snow-heavy branches drooping low.  He backed his archeologist against a tree trunk and leaned in for a chaste kiss.  When he pulled back, Jack smiled… evilly.  Before Daniel could do anything, Jack jumped backward and pulled a tree branch down, dumping his friend in a mountain of snow.

“AAAAAHHHHHH!!!” Daniel screamed and sputtered.

Jack was laughing hysterically as the other man brushed the snow from his head, grumbling.  Daniel looked murderously at him.  Taking a big handful of the heavy, wet stuff, he chucked the snowball at Jack, hitting him square in the face.

“Oh-ho!” Jack said as he wiped his eyes clear, “think you’re gonna get away with that?”

Daniel grinned at him and took off running back towards the house.  Jack caught him with no trouble, tackling him to the ground.  The older man sat on top of Daniel and flexed his arms as if he just won the Mr. Universe contest.  Knowing he wouldn’t be able to dislodge the heavier man, Daniel did the only thing that would get Jack to move.

“Owwwww… my ribs… Jack!”

Jack flushed and scrambled off him right away.  “I’m sorry, Danny!! I forgot.”

Daniel dashed too his feet and took off again.

“You sneaky little bastard!!” Jack called as he bolted after the man.

By the time they got back to the house, both were panting hard.  Faces red with cold and exertion, they laughed as they brushed snow off each other.

“This was… mostly nice, Jack.  Thank you.” Daniel said with a coy smile.  He opened the door for Jack and as the older man passed, he grabbed the back of his coat and shirt, stuffing a handful of snow down them.

“AHHCH!  Daniel!!”

“I win.”

***

All snuggled under an afghan in front of the roaring fire, both men sipped at their cocoa.  Jack then produced one of the joints Janet had left him, and lit it up.  Taking a long drag, he passed the weed to Daniel.

“This is nice,” the younger man said after a few pulls on the smoke.  “But…”

“But?” Jack repeated, figuring that Daniel would guess he was up to something.

“I can’t help but think that you have a very big motive.  I mean, the walk, spiked cocoa and now this,” he said passing the joint back.

Jack took another long drag and held it for a while.  He had to step lightly with Daniel.  Even though things were starting to look up, he still yo-yoed emotionally at the drop of a hat. 

“Daniel,” Jack said softly, shifting in his seat to face him more, “I’ve been doing a lot of… soul searching.”

Daniel stiffened immediately.  Jack made sure he had a good hold of him.  He really didn’t want to be chasing the other man around the house.

“Now, don’t get all defensive.  This is something we have to talk about.”

“I’m getting kinda tired, Jack…” Daniel said while trying to get up.  Jack pulled him into his arms and held him tightly.

“No, you’re staying right here and listening to me.  Here, have another drag.”

Reluctantly, he did, and settled into Jack’s embrace.

With a long drawn out breath, Jack started again, “I know that you love me.  Are IN love with me.  At first, I wasn’t real sure how I felt about that.  In total honesty, it kinda freaked me out a bit.”  Jack felt him stiffen and saw his expression guarded.  “I’m not gonna lie to you, Danny.  I’ve never… ever, thought of another man, you know… romantically.

“But, with you, it’s… I don’t know… it’s just… _right_ ,” Jack said as he took the offered joint back.  He could sense Daniel beginning to relax a little and pushed on.  “When you kiss me, it makes my toes curl.  I haven’t felt that way in a _very_ long time!  My heart aches when you’re hurting.  I don’t feel complete without you by my side.  And the other night… when you sucked my brains out through my dick… God, Danny… Nirvana is attainable!”

Daniel let out a giggle.  “Blew your mind, did I?”

“Completely!!” he laughed.  “Look, I guess I just want to know if you’re willing to, you know, try to actually start a… a… thing… with me?”

Daniel shifted to look Jack in the eyes.  He raised his eyebrows, lips turned up slightly.  “A thing?  You mean a relationship?  With me?  But Jack, you’d be thrown out of the service.  I can’t do that to you.  That’s your whole life.  It’s who you are.”

“Like I told you before, I don’t care.  You are all I care about.  And I think that I may really be in love with you.  Truth be told, I’ve been in love with you for a long time and just never understood what I was feeling.  Daniel, I want to explore this with you,” Jack hugged him closer still, kissing the top of his head.  “I would love to have you as my ‘other half’… ‘significant other’… ‘snookums’… ‘space monkey’.

Daniel laughed softly and elbowed him in the ribs.  “I’m already your space monkey, Jack.  And snookums?  You call me that and you’ll never have another blow job by me again!”

“Ouch!  Okay, okay.  No snookums.  How about, ‘the object of my erection’?” he asked as he pulled Daniel’s hand down to his awakening dick.

With a sudden intake of air, the younger man closed his eyes and exhaled shakily.  “Jack… why are you doing this?   I’m not worth your career,” he told him in a whisper.  Daniel started to pull away, “I can’t… I can’t… Jack, please!  I don’t want to destroy you like I do everyone that’s ever been involved with me!”

“Who have you ever destroyed, Danny?”

With wide eyes, he turned in the arms of the man that held him.  Pulling his hand away, he held it up and counted off as he recited, “my parents, my grandfather, Sarah, Sha’re, Reese and those are only the ones you know about!”

Jack covered Daniel’s hand with his own, folding his fingers down.  “You really can’t count your parents _or_ your grandfather.  You had absolutely no control of them.  And Reese?  Come on, Daniel… I kind’a had something to do with that!  As for the rest, none of these people would ever blame you for what happened to them. 

“Daniel, you are a very special person.  Someone that I want to love, but you have to let your guard down some.  Please, Danny.  Let me love you.  Let me _be_ in love with you.”

Jack worried that he would try and run from his offer and was ready for it.  He wrapped his hand around the back of Daniel’s neck and brought him close.  “I’m gonna kiss you, Dr. Jackson.”

And that he did.  The kiss deepened as Daniel opened to the insistent tongue of his friend.  He moaned into Jack’s mouth, relishing the skill of the kiss.  When they broke apart, Jack stood and held out his hand to Daniel.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

Still breathless from the kiss, Daniel merely took the offered hand and followed along.  When they reached the bedroom, Jack turned and enveloped the younger man in a fierce embrace.  He began to strip all the distracting clothing from his friend’s body.  When Daniel was down to his boxers, Jack shucked off his outer clothes also, then guided the willing man backwards to the bed.

Jack covered his new lover’s lips, kissing them hard.  Hands roved over the pliant shoulders pushing him to the mattress.  Daniel willingly laid back, enjoying the feel of Jack’s strong hands directing him.  They began to wrestle each other for leverage as Daniel started to participate.  Each rolling the other, trying for the top position.

Jack won pinning him to the mattress.  Daniel began to panic, feeling trapped.

“Noooo!” he croaked out, starting to fight the other man off.

Jack pulled away slightly and looked deep into his eyes.  “It’s just me, Danny.  Not gonna hurt you.  Okay?”  He waited for Daniel’s breathing to calm.  When he nodded, Jack smiled, “Just gonna love on you.”

Jack slowly bent down and kissed his nose.  Then he kissed both eyes.  When he leaned back, he got a seductive smile and took full advantage of the consent.  He began an assault down his lover’s throat, kissing and nipping the soft skin.  He treasured the noises Daniel was making as he continued down the smooth chest.  Sucking a hard nipple into his mouth, he lavished and gently bit the hard point.

“Gggaaaahhh!” Daniel groaned deep in his throat.  “J, JJJJack…”

“Shut up, Danny,” he murmured not unkindly, “enjoy this as much as I am!”

Jack moved further down the lean body, following his tongue, which seemed to have grown a mind of its own.  When he reached Daniel’s navel, he paused to investigate the small dip.  Jack could feel the man below him groan with pleasure and realized his semi-hard cock was now achingly hard.

Jack had never done this before.  At least with another man.  How different could it be?  The human body, male or female, had the same nervous system.  The same need to be touched and caressed.  People were people.  Just because he was a man and the person under him was also, didn’t mean that the act of loving was that big a difference.

Daniel’s taste, however was different than a woman’s.  Unbelievably sweet and enticing.  The musky smell had his Jack’s head swimming against a torrent whirlpool.  This was much more tantalizing then he ever expected.  Maybe, it was only because this was Daniel, but something seemed to have clicked into place inside of him.

Jack continued to follow the blonde happy path down to the waistband of Daniel’s boxers.  With one finger, he pulled the cloth up and over a very erect member, setting it free.  A gasp escaped, eyes wide and mouth watered, Jack licked his lips with wanton desire.  Daniel was long and thick.  The kind of cock any man would be proud of.  The slight moisture on the tip of the crowning head, called to Jack.  He knew all the moves that made him squirm with desire and used that information to pleasure his captive.

Placing a kiss on the head of the straining dick, Jack sucked it into his hot mouth.  He pressed his tongue into the slit, eliciting a strangled yelp for Daniel.  That spurred Jack onward.  He pulled the rest of the weeping cock into his mouth, gagging slightly.  He relaxed his throat muscles and tried again.  The taste was wonderful.  The smell intoxicating.  This was Daniel!  His best friend and most cherished person in all the universe.  He let out a groan of his own as the worked the member with more fervor.

“Jjjjjjjjack!!” Daniel cried out, fisting the blankets ruthlessly, “I’m cl…clllose!”

Jack merely moaned and continued to pull, lick, suck and fondle the throbbing cock.  With his other hand, he began to pleasure himself in time with his oral assault on the man beneath him.  When he wrapped his hand around the heavy sac below, he felt Daniel thrust and release his load.  At first, Jack choked at the invading, bitter fluid as it shot down his throat with all the force of a F-16 taking off.  He quickly became accustomed to the feeling, he found it the most earth-shattering taste he had ever known.  He was drinking Daniel into his very soul.  Not wanting to miss a single drop, Jack licked every last pearly-white drop off the softening member.  A mere moment later, he also came.

“Oh, god!  Oh, god!” Daniel panted.  “J… Jjjack…”

“Pretty fantastic, eh?” he smugly said as he crawled back up Daniel to lay beside him.  “Not too bad for my first time _giving_ a blowjob!”

Daniel had a hard time even opening his eyes, as he tried to get his breathing under control.  Jack had just given him something more precious than all the gold in a Goa’uld mothership.  He couldn’t help the tears as they began to slide silently down his cheeks.  Jack turned to look at him and grew anxious.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he said, shifting onto his side, propping up his head on his hand.  He reached over and wiped a tear away with his thumb.  “It wasn’t good?”

Daniel shook his head and scrubbed a hand over his face, embarrassed.  “It was the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done, Jack.  It was also my first time.”

Jack was dumbfounded, “You… you’re first blowjob, Danny?  Are you serious?  What about that year with Sha’re?”

Daniel snorted a laugh, “She thought that even touching my penis outside of making love was a sin.  They had pretty strict hang-ups about sex.  Women weren’t allowed to openly look at a man naked.  Not even their husbands.  Sex was only for making babies.  If a man needed release, it was by his own hand in a hut behind the village or with an unwed young man.  Sex with one’s wife, well, it was very… clinical.”

Jack leaned down and kissed his shoulder.  “Wow!  I wouldn’t have ever thought that after Kasuf just gave her to you.  I thought desert tribes were more, I don’t know, open minded.”

“Some are.  I think it was more a rule from Ra so they wouldn’t grow in numbers to overthrow him, like what happened here.”

The older man nodded.  That made perfect Goa’uld sense.

“I know what happened with Steven, but none of the girls you were with gave you head?” 

“No, Sarah was the only other person I ever had sex with.  And according to her, I wasn’t very good at it.”

“Ouch!  That hurts,” Jack sympathized.  “Guess we’re just going to have to work this out on our own.  Find a few websites, a couple bottles of wine, and we’re good.”

Daniel closed his eyes again, letting out a soft sob, “No, Jack.  This has to be the only time.  I don’t want to lose you.  Every person I ever get involved with ends up dead… or snaked.  And if the military finds out you’re banging a guy, they’d force you out.  Jack, you gotta understand… I’m cursed when it comes to others loving me.  Bad things happen.  I’m not worth it.”

Jack took hold of Daniel’s chin and turned his head to face him.  “Daniel, open your eyes.”  When the other man did, he kissed him softly.  “You are worth all the love in the universe, Danny.  And you deserve to be loved.  Please, let me be the one to show you how wonderful you really are.  How important and special.  I would rather spend the rest of my life making love to you, spoiling you, than spend another moment in the military.  If it takes me retiring to prove to you that I’m serious, then I’ll call the general tomorrow and put my papers in.”

“NO!” Daniel almost screamed, “No, Jack!  I don’t want to be at the SGC without you.  We just can’t let others know that… that…”

Jack laid back on his pillow with a frown.  “Is it me, Daniel?  You don’t want to be with me?”

Daniel sat up quickly, “NO!  Jack, no… it’s me.  If people think that you are in a relationship with me…”

“Daniel!  I DON’T CARE!  I love you.  For the first time in my life, I understand.  Sara was wonderful, and I did love her, but we just never really clicked.  I know that even if Charlie hadn’t died, we wouldn’t still be together.  But with you… you’ve seen me at my absolute worst and you still love me.”

“I do,” Daniel said softly.  “But can you bear being thought of as… as a faggot?  Being called queer and, and singled out to… to have the shit beat outta you?”

Jack also sat up and put his hand on the cheek of the man that had found his heart.  “Danny, you have to come to terms with your sexuality.  You don’t have anything to fear any longer.  And you know what?  I’m fine with people thinking I’m gay, if it means I get to have you all to myself.  As for someone looking to beat me up?  Let’em try!”

Again, tears slid down the tortured face.  Sad but bright blue eyes gazed at the older man.  Jack pulled him into a tight hug and petted his hair.

“Hey, why don’t we have Carter and Teal’c come over tomorrow tonight.  Have a little team night.  They’ve been really worried about you.”  Feeling the head nod on his shoulder, Jack smiled.

“Will you tell them?” Daniel asked, “about… you know… us?”

“We will.  You and me.  I know that neither of them will care.  We’re all family, Daniel.  _Your_ family.  And we don’t have secrets in our family.  Okay?”

Daniel leaned back and gave him a small grin.  “Okay.”

***

Daniel sat on the couch in his psychiatrist’s room, leg moving up and down like an over worked piston.  He hated coming here, but a promise is a promise, so here he sat.  She was nice enough and he knew that she was there to help him through all the things his attack had dredged up.  Still, talking about himself and his feelings was nothing short of agonizing.

He made the mistake of mentioning what he and Jack had discussed the night before.  Now she wanted to know why he felt he didn’t deserve the love his friend was offering.  Daniel thought long and hard on this most of the night.  He still couldn’t justify letting Jack get into trouble because of him and his feelings.

Daniel closed his eyes and let out a long sigh.  “I love Jack, Dr. Fleming.  With all of my heart.  But I can’t let him return that love and ruin his career.  I’m not worth it!”

“Why don’t you think you are worth his love?”

God, he hated shrinks!  “I’m just not!  Can’t you understand that?” Daniel screamed.  Then he took a deep breath and said in a controlled voice, “Look, I’m a pretty good archeologist and an even better linguist.  I can solve problems that most can’t even see.  I have some fine qualities, but I can _NOT_ be loved!  Anyone that even tries to love me, usually ends up dead.  I won’t let that happen to Jack!  End of story!”

Daniel stood and began to pace the small, cozy room.  Dr. Fleming watched as he picked up a stuffed teddy bear and began to hug it.

“Daniel,” the older woman said softly, “can you tell me what the happiest memory you have of your childhood?  A time when you felt most loved?”

He stopped short and hung his head.  With the stuffed bear clutch tightly to his chest, he thought for a while.  A small smile played about his lips as he remembered.

 

> _The night was warm but cooling.  After the heat of the summer day it felt wonderful.  Little Danny Jackson was in the back of his father’s open-top jeep.  Pillow, light-weight blanket, and his favorite stuffed camel “Sudi” was with him.  As he stretched out on his makeshift bed, Melburn Jackson came out and got into the front seat.  Father and son sat in the peace of the evening for a while._
> 
> _The breeze ruffled Danny’s long hair and he brushed it away from his eyes.  Staring up at the stars, he yawned.  Questions raced through is overly active brain._
> 
> _“Daddy,” his small voice seemed even smaller in the vastness of the night, “does the wind blow the stars away?”_
> 
> _Melburn smiled.  His son was always asking the most interesting questions.  Always wanting to know things._
> 
> _“No, Danny,” he answered, “the stars stay where they are.”_
> 
> _A long silence stretched as the night darkened._
> 
> _“But the stars do move.  Last month they were closer to the earth, and that one,” he pointed to a bright pinpoint in the sky, “that one was sitting on top of the great pyramid.”_
> 
> _So, smart, Melburn thought.  “You’re right.  But the stars don’t move, at least they don’t move very quickly.  The earth does.  And the wind doesn’t reach as far as the stars are.”_
> 
> _Danny sat up and gave his father an incredulous look, “But I don’t feel the earth moving.”_
> 
> _Melburn laughed, “You’re right again, Danny.  How do you think we know that the earth moves?”_
> 
> _The little blonde boy thought for a long time.  “Because the sun chases the moon across the sky.  Always rising in the east and setting in the west.  So, if the sky and the stars don’t move very fast, that means the earth must move fasterer.”_
> 
> _“Right again, little man.  And maybe one day, you will walk among the stars.”_
> 
> _“Daaaaad, I wanna be an archeologist like you and mommy,” Danny declared._
> 
> _“That doesn’t mean you can’t walk among the stars, kido.  If there are planets out there that have life, or had life on them, they will have history as well.  A history just waiting for a bespectacled lad to dig up and teach others about it.”_
> 
> _“Cool,” Daniel said as he looked back to the stars with amazement on his face.  He searched the sky again when his attention was drawn to clouds being buffeted by the wind.  Two big, fluffy ones combined to make one big cloud and that brought another question invading his tiny head.  Some things he just had to know.  “Daddy, why don’t we hear it when clouds bump into one another?”_
> 
> _With a chuckle, Melburn got out of the jeep and gathered his son into his arms, carrying him to the family tent.  He considered his answer as he placed little Danny on his cot._
> 
> _“According to Skidi Pawnee Indian lore, clouds are clothing for the gods of heaven. The sky god wears a cloud garment. When he spreads his arms, the clouds, or "garments," stretch across the entire sky.  Do you hear your clothing when you fold your shirts?”_
> 
> _“Na-ah.  Most of my clothes are folded by mom,” Danny grinned at his father._
> 
> _“You are a funny man,” Melburn tickled his son.  “Tradition among the Zuni Indians tells of a monster called Cloud Eater. He was as tall as a mountain peak and had an enormous appetite for clouds, thus causing drought. The Zuni Indians tried to hunt for the monster to destroy him and bring rain, but they never found where Cloud Eater lived.”_
> 
> _With a huge yawn, the young boy asked, “Does Cloud Eater live here in the desert?  Maybe that’s why the Zuni braves couldn’t find him?_
> 
> _Melburn smiled as he tucked his son in and drew the mosquito netting around his small bed.  “Maybe.  It’s certainly a good working theory.”_
> 
> _Danny finally lost his battle with sleep.  Rolling onto his side, he hugged his camel and dreamed of Cloud Eater with a robe made of soft white clouds._

The now adult Daniel Jackson wiped a tear from his eye, and whispered to himself, “the sound of clouds crashing.” 

He sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh, but didn’t look at Dr. Fleming.  Still hugging the bear, he said quietly, “Being with my father at night, when the camp was all settled in for the evening.  My mom would be cataloging the days find in our tent.  I used to make a bed in the back of our jeep to watch the stars come out.  Dad would always sit in the front set, waiting for any questions I would come up with.  He was unbelievably patient with me.  I loved being in Egypt with them.  I was a shove-bum as soon as I could hold a spade.  I was safe with my folks.”

“That’s a great memory, Dr. Jackson,” the psychiatrist said.  “How old were you when they passed away?”

“Eight.  We had just moved into our first real house in New York.  Had a huge backyard with old oak trees.  Dad put a swing up that day… before we went into the city.  While they were overseeing the exhibit construction, I wandered around the museum.  It was great!  The place wasn’t open to the public yet and I could look to my heart’s content,” he said.

As the memories overcame him, Daniel grew sad.  “Then… I don’t know, I just felt like something was wrong.  I ran back to my parents yelling like I was being hurt or something.  When I got to the room they were working in, they dropped what they were doing to come to me… and, and that’s when it… that’s when the cover stone fell… fell on them.” 

He let out a heart wrenching wail and buried his face into the stuffed animal.  “They died because they were distracted by my crying!”

Daniel knew that the real cause of the accident was a faulty chain, but whenever he would think about the moment his life changed irrevocably, it was always his fault.  Trying to curl in on himself, he rocked back and forth on the couch.  He hadn’t thought about his parents’ death since the Gamekeeper made him relive the event, over and over again.  From that time on, he couldn’t remember the scene as it really happened, only as the Gamekeeper had shown him. 

The elderly doctor, quietly waited for him to calm down.  She knew he need this release.  After a few minutes, Daniel wiped his face and schooled his features.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

Dr. Fleming smiled at him, “Daniel, this is why you are here.  There is nothing to be sorry for.  Can I ask you a question?”

He shrugged, “I guess.”

“How do you think your parents would feel about you being a gay man?”

Daniel’s eyes went wide.  “What’da you mean?”

“Would they be angry?  Try to convince you that you’re not?  Would they disown you?”

“ **NO!** ” he yelled angrily, “How could you even think that?  My parents were scholars.  Educated people with very open and willing minds.  Culture of all kinds were accepted on their merits alone.  In fact, they had a lot of friends that were gay.  When we lived in England for a short time, my nanny was a lesbian.  They taught me to love people for who they were, not who they loved.  And I know that they would be fine with me… they would never… they…”

For the first time, Daniel realized that he never thought about what his parents would think of him now.  That they would be fine with his life choices.  Hell, his dad would love Jack.  They had the same quirky sense of humor.  So why was he fighting against himself about being a homosexual?  Why did he think it was such a horrible thing for him to be?

Dr. Fleming decided that was enough for the day.  She tapped his knee, bring him back from his misery, and said, “I would like to have you focus on the memories of when you were with your dad in Egypt.  The times you were happiest, and journal about them.  Any little thing you did with your parents, is your focus.  How much you felt loved and cared for.  Safe.”

After a few moments, Daniel shook his head and slowly came back to the present.  “Um, that tends to make things worse for me.  Any time I try to remember the safe feelings I had as a child, it would just bring all the horror of some of my foster families to mind.”

“Don’t think of your foster families, just your parents,” she said.  As an afterthought, she asked, “Do you feel safe when you’re with Jack?”

Daniel nodded, “Yes.  He always makes sure I’m safe.  Gets a bit annoying sometimes,” he let out a little chuckle.

Dr. Fleming smiled at him.  “Then as you write about your safe feelings of your parents, write the next paragraph about Jack.  Every other paragraph should be when you were little, and now.  Understand?”

He nodded and stood up to leave, wiping his face one last time before he opened the door.

“Dr. Jackson,” the older woman said with a hint of humor.  He looked back to her and she held out her hand, “The bear?”

Daniel blushed profusely and handed the stuffed animal back.

***

Daniel shadowed Jack as they browsed the aisles of the grocery store.  They were picking up dinner, snacks and drinks for their team night.  Daniel was practically glued to Jack’s side, never getting out of arms reach.  The older man wondered why his friend was being so clingy, but let him stay close, figuring he had a tough therapy session.  Daniel wasn’t talking at all.  On the ride to the store from his appointment, he spent staring out the truck window, worrying his lip and fidgeting restlessly.

“Want to get some of that expensive wine you like so much?” Jack asked over his shoulder.  He felt the shrug from his silent partner.  “Oooookay.  How about a French Silk Pie?”  Another shrug.  Jack stopped suddenly and turned to face the man.  “Danny, do you want to cancel tonight?  Are you not feeling up to it?”

Daniel looked at him startled for a moment.  “No, it’s okay to have them over.  I miss seeing them.  I’m just… I’m just a little distracted.”

“Ah huh,” Jack mumbled.  “They’ll understand if you want to postpone a day, you know.”

“No!  It’s okay… really!!  I’m fine.”  He tried to smile, but it just ended up looking more like reversed pout.  Only Daniel could pull off appearing adorable and miserable at the same time.

Jack nodded and turned back to his shopping.  They were almost to the check out when the colonel realized that Daniel wasn’t against his back.  He turned around to see where his shadow had gone.  A few aisles back, Daniel was standing rooted to the floor, shaking like a leaf.  He had a sheen of sweat covering his face and a wild-eyed look.  Jack ran back to him.

“Danny!  Danny, what’s wrong?” he nearly shouted.

The shaken man nodded his head in the direction of two men in all leather with shaved heads and tattoos standing halfway down an aisle.  They were merely biker guys, but they were sneering at Daniel, making kissing noises at him.  Jack turn and faced the guys, straighten up and glared at them.  The men just laughed as the Air Force colonel started walking towards them.

With his best military voice, Jack stopped right in front of them and said, “You two got a problem?”

The taller of the two smiled evilly, “no problem, flyboy.  Just admiring your boy-toy!  I’ll give you $50.00 for a night with him.”

Jack felt his adrenalin kick in and knew he was going to have to keep his cool in this public place.  With every ounce of control, he said a low, dangerous voice, “you need to leave this store, immediately.” 

“We got as much right to be here as you do.  If you ain’t gonna share, you should take your muscle-twink home and stuff’em in a closet where he belongs, bear-daddy!”

As Jack argued with the two guys, Daniel backed away.  He was shaking so hard it was throwing him off-balance.  When he took another step back he ran into a display, causing cans to thunder to the ground.  Daniel jumped a mile high and fled out of the store.

The two bikers roared with laughter as Jack turned to sprint back to his friend.

“DANIEL!!” he yelled as he raced after him.  When he reached the end of the aisle, Jack crashed into a woman’s cart and fell flat on his ass.

Jumping back to his feet, he raced after Daniel.  “Sorry… Sorry!!” he shouted back to the woman.

When he got outside, Jack looked for where his friend went.  To the right, he saw a few people staring back towards him.  He looked left to see the man round the corner of the store.  As fast as his old knees could carry him, he was after his fleeing archeologist.

When he turned the corner, he didn’t see any sign of Daniel, but the ally was a dead end, so he knew he was there somewhere.  Jack walked into the ally listening for any signs of life.  Then he heard the soft whimpering coming from behind a dumpster.  Peering around the big green bin, he found Daniel, curled in a tight ball, shivering.

“Danny,” he said softly, “Danny, it’s me… okay?  I’m gonna touch you now…”

Daniel startled as warm hands were laid on his shoulder.  When he didn’t move away, Jack wrapped him up in his arms.  “Shhhhh, Danny, it’s okay.  No one’s gonna hurt you.  I’m here.”

Daniel clutched at the man holding him and wept softly.  He felt miserable.  Why couldn’t he get a handle on his emotions?  Why couldn’t he just ‘man up’ and deal.  Hell, he and the team have been through worse, why couldn’t he just get over this?  He knew he was stronger than this.  He had always prided himself on his ability to cope with whatever life threw at him.  Why couldn’t he do it this time?  What was so different?  Maybe… maybe he was really starting to lose his mind.  Maybe when he descended, the Others didn’t put him back together right.  Left something out that made him ‘him’.  _Maybe,_ he was missing a part of his very spirit.

The two men held each other for a few minutes before the cold seeped in.  Jack leaned back and cupped Daniel’s face, “Let’s go home, Danny.  I’ll call Sam and Teal’c and have them pick up dinner.”

Lifting sorrowful eyes, Daniel croaked out, “I’m sorry, Jack.  I guess I really am a head case, huh?”

Jack helped the younger man to his feet and put his arm around his waist, guiding him towards the truck.

“Not a head case, Danny.  Never that.  Just having a tough time right now.  We’ll get through it though.  I promise.  There’s nothing that can stop the two of us when we’re together.”

The words so kind, Daniel almost started weeping again.  After they were both in the truck and ready to go, Jack turned to him and said, “I love you, Danny!”

With a long drawn out sigh, Daniel whispered, “Please don’t say that, Jack.  I can’t take you loving me.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

“The only way you can hurt me, Daniel, is by not loving me back.”

“I do love you,” he answered in a voice so quiet and tiny, Jack almost didn’t catch it.  But he did hear and smiled.


	8. Scholar, Innovator, Protector, Warrior

Once back at Jack’s house, Daniel took some of his anxiety pills and curled up on his bed to sleep.  Jack made sure he was okay, then went to the living room to call Sam.

“Carter,” Jack said into the phone, “will guys get dinner and drinks for tonight?”

“Sure” she answered, “but I thought you were getting them?”

With a heavy sigh, Jack told her what happened at the store.  When he finished with the tale, she was quite for a moment.

“Carter?  You know you’re dangerous when you’re quite like that!  Means I’m about to hear something either I won’t like or won’t understand.”

“Sir, Teal’c and I have been talking…”

“Always the sign of impending danger for me,” Jack smirked.  “But, do go on…”

“Teal’c has been doing some research on an ancient Jaffa restorative chi.  He said that a warrior would Kel’no’reem with his comrades to gain strength after a particularly serious wound or battle.  He’s been going to see Bra’tac the last few weeks to learn how to perform the ritual.  Sir, he would like for us, you included, to meditate with Daniel,” she could hear the groan, but continued.  “Teal’c thinks that doing this may help Daniel… realign with his stronger self.  That we could share our spirit and resolve to help him fortify his courage and tenacity.  Teal’c’s put a lot of work into this.”

“Hmm,” Jack closed his eyes and thought for a moment, “Ya’know, I think they did that in Buffy the Vampire Slayer once.  Seemed to work well for her.  Sure, let’s try it out.  Tell T to bring what he needs and we will give it a go.  We may have some reluctance from a certain archaeologist, but if you and T use _really_ big words and stuff… I don’t know, Carter.  It could just work.”

“Great!” Sam said enthusiastically, “Teal’c will be very pleased, sir.  And so am I!  However, with all due respect, you do need to stay awake during the meditation.”

“Ha, ha!  I’ll see you around 19:00,” Jack told her.  “And in the meantime, I’ll consider not transferring you to Antarctica!”

“Yes, sir.”

*******

Daniel awoke with the smell of spicy food tickling his nose.  He rolled onto his back and wiped the sleep from his eyes.  In the darkened room, he could hear voices drifting up from the kitchen.  He closed his eyes again and listened for a while.  He couldn’t hear the words, only the sound, but he could tell that Sam and Teal’c were there.

It was a peaceful feeling, just hearing his teammates.  He felt safe.  That seemed to be what had been taken from him more than anything else.  Just like when he was little.  Safety was the one thing he could never seem to hang on too.  Perhaps that was why he railed against coming out as a gay man.  He never felt safe enough to stand up and say, _“Yes, I’m gay!”_

However, now he had the acceptance of the very man he was in love with.  And, if what was said was the truth, Jack loved him too.  Sitting up, Daniel stretched, cracked his neck, and picked up his glasses.  It was time to take his life back.  Time to admit who he was and the universe be damned.

As he quietly descended the stairs, he was brought up short at the site of Jack’s usually familiar living room.  The lighting was subdued, shear fabric draped from all the walls, falling softly to the floor in smooth waves.  All the furniture was moved out and large pillows littered the floor.  A low table had been set up in the center of the room with plates of food steaming pleasantly.  The fireplace sputtered and popped, beckoning him to sit beside it’s warmth.

As Daniel continued into the living room that now more closely resembled his tent on Abydos, Sam appeared.

“Hey, Daniel,” she said with a warm smile.  “I was just about to come and get you.  Dinner’s all ready and I don’t know about you, but I’m starving!”

“Indeed,” Teal’c agreed as he walked up behind the major.  “It is good to see you, DanielJackson.”

Daniel smiled as he hugged Sam and nodded to Teal’c.  Carter took his hand and lead him into the makeshift tent to sit.  He looked around at the redecorating with a grin.  Other than the lack of sand, he felt right at home.

“Ah!” O’Neill said as he followed them.  He passed everyone a beer, (a juice for Teal’c) and sat between Daniel and Teal’c.  “Wasn’t sure you were going to wake up, Danny.  I figured that if you smelled the food, you’d wander down though.”

Sam began to point out the different dishes, telling Daniel what was brought.  “I got sambousak, made with authentic Gibna Domiati.  Colcasia soup, Fattah, which I got because Daniel needs some fattening up.  You’re too skinny, gotta put some meat on those bones,” she poked her friend in the ribs with a smile.

“Ful Medames,” Carter continued, “Hawawshi, Bamia Matbukha, Halloumi Canapés, and Fatayer.  AND for dessert, Basbousa for that very sweet tooth you have!”

Daniel’s eyes were wide with delight.  The smells and decorations made him feel like a kid again.  He hadn’t had his go to comfort food in a very long time.

“Wow! I can’t believe you guys did all this.  I didn’t even know the Springs had an Egyptian restaurant.”

Sam chuckled, “Oh, it doesn’t.  But being part of a highly classified and world protecting unit as the SG-1, I’m afforded certain… shall we say, indulgences.”

Daniel looked at her with brows drawn down questioningly, “Indulgences?”

“Fur cry’n out loud, Carter!” Jack reached behind the Daniel and push his 2IC over, “It means she and Teal’c hijacked a 302 and took it to Travis Air Force Base in San Francisco.  They got the carryout and came back,” he explained as he licked juice from a kabob off his fingers.  “Wonder how Hammond’s gonna explain that one.”

“GeneralHammond informed MajorCarter and I that we needed to test the new cloaking device of the F-302.  He suggested that we should try Al-Masri Egyptian Restaurant while we were there.”

The four teammates laughed as they dug into the food.

For Daniel, it was the most pleasant night he had had with his friends in a very long time.  The talk was light hearted and the comradery thick in the improvised tent.  He felt as whole and normal as one could get considering his job took him to other worlds.  Something he sorely missed doing.

They talked about past missions and ones that were waiting for them.  Daniel felt a pang of guilt.  The only reason they were waiting on those missions was because of him.  It just fortified his determination to put all the crap that happened in the past behind him.  He was tired of feeling like a little kid again.  And with Jack, Sam and Teal’c beside him, he had no reason to feel anyway but safe.

As Jack and Daniel packed up the leftovers, Sam was making tea while Teal’c set up candles in the ‘tent-room’.  Daniel lifted his eyebrows at Jack in curiosity.  He pulled the older man to the side of the kitchen.

“What’s goin’ on, Jack?” Daniel asked quietly.

“What?” he questioned back with a smirk, “Just a group of friends hangin’ out in the desert together… sort’a.”

Daniel scowled at him, knowing his friends were up to something.  Something he was probably not going to be happy about.  Jack grinned at him and went to turn all the lights off.

“It’s gonna be okay, Daniel,” Sam said quietly.  “Don’t you trust us?”

“With my life.  It’s just a little… well, strange.  The decorations, the authentic food, and what tea is that?  It smells vaguely familiar.”

“Teal’c brought it back from one of his trips to Chulak. At least I think that’s where he got it,” she smiled with a shrug and poured the tea.

Daniel followed her into the tent-room carrying two cups of steaming liquid.  With only the fireplace, candles, and the winter wind blowing outside, it really was like being on Abydos again.

They reconvened in the ‘tent’ as Teal’c finished lighting the last candle.  He took great care in placing the candles in certain positions.  Then he indicated where everyone should sit and they settled on the pillows.  Daniel was in between Jack and Sam, with the Jaffa across the little table.  He took Daniel’s cup of tea and added a sprinkling of powder into it then passed it back to him. 

Teal’c gave Daniel a smile and nod, “It is merely some herbs for relaxation.  Dr. Fraiser cleared it for your use.”

The younger man nodded as he took the drink and set it before him.  They all waited for Teal’c to begin.

“DanielJackson,” his deep voice reverberated around the room, “tonight we have come together to meditate with you.  We are here to offer you our strength and love.  This is an ancient Jaffa healing meditation.  I went to Chulak to see Bra’tac and learned how to perform the ritual.”

Daniel slumped his shoulders and head, “You didn’t have to do that, Teal’c.  Not for me.”

“Oh, Daniel,” Sam said softly and reached for his hand, “we all would do anything for you.  You are so important to our family.”

“And we are a family!  Teammates went the way of the Dodo years ago, Danny,” Jack told him as he pulled him into a hug.  Then he grabbed Carter also, squishing Daniel between them.  Teal’c was on the other side of the candle table so O’Neill couldn’t reach him for the group hug, but Jack would get all of them hugged by the end of the night.

Teal’c cleared his throat to get everyone back on task.  “First we drink our tea.  This will help to relax your body and mind.”

When they all finished their tea, Teal’c closed his eyes to center himself.  His breathing was deep and his body position closely resembled a Buddha statue.  After a few minutes, the Jaffa opened his dark eyes.  With a faint smile, Teal’c looked at each of his family members.

“The ritual has begun.  Please settle into a comfortable position, resting your hands together in your lap,” he told them demonstrating.

“Now, close your eyes, clear your mind and listen to the sound of my voice.  You may not understand the words I speak, but it is the tone you concentrate on.  Keep your breath even, letting your body do its job without interference.”

When Teal’c could hear the softness of their breath, he opened his eyes, looking at each of them for a moment.  He nodded to himself and began.  The words were almost sung as they gently fell from his lips.  Speaking in a dialect so old, even Daniel wasn’t sure of their meaning.  The Jaffa’s chant went on for several minutes, drawing each of them into the meditation.

After a short pause, Teal’c quietly began again.  “Imagine a safe place in nature that feels good to you.  It may be a natural setting that you’ve been before or a beautiful fantasy world of your own creation.

“Brighten the colors and observe how clear everything is and how good it feels to be there.  Notice the things that are moving about and wonderful the mood is.  There may be a special scent in the air… a few clouds drifting gently across the sky, a beautiful clear blue sky that goes on and on.  You may even hear the beautiful lullaby of birds in the distance.

“There is a bright light that reaches you shining down between the clouds allowing you to feel warm and relaxed.  This light stands for everything that’s good in life… love, peace, serenity, and tranquility.  Allow this light to flow through you, relaxing every muscle, tissue, fiber, and cell.  As it flows through from head to toe, allow it to completely relax each muscle group.”

Teal’c paused, letting the images take hold of each of his friends.  When he felt that they were ready, he continued.

“My family, hear me.  Within each of us there is a strength.  We will draw on that strength tonight.  Within each of us, there is also a keystone to our very spirit.

“This keystone is the place we fill in our family unit.  A greater piece of each of our personality.  This is how we function together harmoniously. 

“O’Neill, the protector.  Samantha, the innovator.  Daniel, the scholar.  And myself, the warrior.  Together, we are unstoppable.

“At this moment, however, our brother Daniel has lost his inner strength.  We, therefore, must come to his aid.  As I lead my brother, DanielJackson through our introspection, our combined strength and individual keystones will fortify him.”

Teal’c then began to chant again, taking Daniel with him.  The words spoken now were only for the linguist.

“Find your strength, brother.  Find where it has been hidden from you. Do not be afraid, we will be here for you, beside you, within you.  I have struck a light for you to follow, but you must travel on your own.  Go forth, DanielJackson.”

With that, Teal’c snapped his finger and Daniel slumped to the floor.

***

When Daniel opened his eyes, all he could see was a faint dancing light in an oppressive darkness.  At first, he was scared, but a warmth of power wrapped around his body like a life preserver, buoying him above the clawing darkness.

Daniel stood up and directed his feet towards the light.  As he traveled, he began to hear voices on either side of him.  Faint and unintelligible.  When a soft glow to his left pulled his attention, he paused.  It was like viewing a display in a museum.  Daniel moved closer, hands raised in case there was a barrier.  His fingers met something cool and hard.  Behind the forcefield, he saw himself as a child with his parents in a tent.  They were eating dinner and laughing.

* * *

 

_“So, Danny, what did you do today?” his father asked._

_“My friends and I went to the oasis and petted the camels.  There was an old Bedouin there telling stories.”_

_Claire Jackson smiled and asked, “Do you remember any of them?”_

_Danny thought for a moment and after finishing his bite of food, he recited,_

 

> _“Knowledge, Money and Honor met and each started to boast about its position and the efforts to acquire it._
> 
> _Knowledge said: "If you seek me, you will find me at Schools, Councils, Universities, and Houses of Culture"._
> 
> _Money said: "If you look for me, you will find me in hard work and commerce"._
> 
> _Honor said: "I am born with you and accompany you throughout life, but if I go, I never return"._

 

_When he finished the story, Melburn inquired, “And what do think the story meant?”_

_“That knowledge and money can be looked for, but honor is your birthright.  Except if you don’t live honor-ably, you could lose it forever.  Right?”_

_Daniel’s mom and dad beamed at him._

* * *

 

The image warmed him and he smiled. Wishing it could last forever.  But the scene faded into blackness forcing him to continue his journey towards the light.  After a while another image appeared to his right this time. 

* * *

 

_It was a scene of an eight-year-old Daniel sitting with his grandfather, eating waffles._

_“Eat up, boy,” the slightly accented voice said to the youngster as he pushed his food around the plate sadly.  “You understand why I cannot take you with me, right Daniel?  You’re smart enough to understand the impracticality of having you to watch after while I’m working.”_

_The words weren’t said unkindly but they stung none the less.  With tears moistening his eyelashes the young Daniel shrugged.  He said nothing.  What could he say?  His grandfather made it clear he would be a nuisance.  The last thing little Danny said was good bye to his parents at the funeral.  He wouldn’t speak again for almost a year._

_Nick looked at his watch and sighed, “It’s time to go, Daniel.  I told the social worker I’d have you to her office by 11:00.  Don’t worry, boy.  Everything will be okay.  I will write to you…”_

* * *

 

The image faded away and the grown Daniel wiped his eyes.  Nick never wrote to him, never came to visit him.  He was dropped at the DCFS and forgotten. 

Not sure if he wanted to keep going, Daniel looked behind him.  He wondered if he went back to the first memory if he would be able to see it again.  When he took a tentative step backwards, he smacked into a wall.  With a heavy sigh, he started to turn away, when the light brightened again. 

With brows drawn low, the man cocked his head to the side in curiosity. 

* * *

 

_The small Daniel was sitting on his bed at some home that he really didn’t remember, holding a small package._

_Little Danny carefully opened the box and pulled out a small crystal skull with a short note._

 

> _‘Daniel,_
> 
> _I hope they are treating you well.  I am in Belize at the moment, searching for another crystal skull.  I know that in my younger days, the one I had found took me on a grand adventure.  I hope to discover another skull that will validate my claims with the unbelieving, narrow minded nitwits I am forced to call colleagues._
> 
> _Never give up your passions, Daniel.  No matter who may tell you that you are crazy.  This little crystal skull is for you to remember to follow your dreams._
> 
> _Yours truly,_
> 
> _Nick’_

* * *

 

Daniel’s mouth hung open.  He had absolutely no recollection of this moment.  He did remember the little crystal skull he used to hide in his pocket, but he had thought he just found it among his things from his parent’s house.  Utter shock land-blasted him.  How could he have forgotten that his Grandfather _did_ write to him?  Even sent him a gift?

He was really beginning to question his own memories.  Did he only want to remember the bad stuff?  Or was the bad just so much simpler for him to dwell on that it over shadowed the little things that were good in his life.

Continuing on, Daniel’s curiosity was stirring.  Maybe there would be more memories of good things that he had forgotten.  Another section of light grew in intensity, drawing him close.  As soon as he saw the setting, he knew he didn’t want to remember this.

* * *

 

_He was in the hospital shortly after the rape by the high school boys.  His foster mother was sitting beside the young Daniel, holding his hand and singing softly to him.  It looked as if she had been crying._

* * *

 

Daniel wrapped his arms around his chest, hugging himself tightly as he viewed the moment.  Again, he didn’t remember her being there with him.  She was actually upset.  Daniel put his hand on the clear forcefield, leaning in to hear what she was singing.

_‘Let us be lovers we'll marry our fortunes together  
I've got some real estate here in my bag…’_

The man smiled.  He had always loved that song but never knew why.  He didn’t realize that the woman really had cared for him. 

* * *

 

_The door to his room opened and Amy, the foster sister that had told on him about his feelings for the football player, came inside.  Her face was blotchy and tears ran freely down her cheeks.  She slowly moved up to the side of Daniel’s bed and started to play with the blanket._

_Softly, she said, “I’m really sorry, Daniel.  I didn’t know they would do this to you.  You’re my best friend… I, I just wanted one of them to like me.  Please, Daniel… please forgive me.”_

_The foster mother then pulled Amy into a hug as the light dimmed._

* * *

 

He was taken from them after the rape accrued.  New house, (never a home), new high school.  Only the bad memories remained.  But now he realized that there was more to the story than he remembered.  Amy was really upset by what happened to him.  He had always believed it was done with malicious intent.  Daniel felt remorse for the hatred he had harbored all these years for Amy.

Again, the darkness consumed him.  His next stop was years later, when he was a young man at University.  Dr. Joyce Christe had taken him under her wing and nurtured the passion for learning she had seen in him.

* * *

 

_“Daniel,” the woman said, pulling the young man aside, “It’s Thanksgiving tomorrow, why don’t you join me for dinner?  We can discuss your theories on Egyptian writings.”_

_“Sure, Dr. Christe,” an enthusiastic answer came, “that sounds great.”_

* * *

 

The image the current Daniel was watching faded quickly then brighten again. 

* * *

 

_The scene was his younger self knocking on the door of a rather opulent home.  Dr. Christe opened the door with a wide smile._

_“I’m so happy you could come, Daniel,” she gushed as they walked into the living room.  “Why don’t you sit and I’ll bring you something to drink.  Wine alright with you?”_

_Daniel looked slightly startled.  He wasn’t 21 quite yet, but didn’t want to seem rude._

_“Ah… yeah… sure.  Thank you,” he said as he took his seat on the divan._

* * *

 

As the older man watched he remembered very little of this encounter.  He wasn’t really sure he wanted too.  There was a nagging feeling that something bad happened that night.  But then, he was beginning to realize he only thought about the horrific stuff.

* * *

 

_The professor breezed back in with two glasses of wine.  She handed Daniel one then sat, quite closely, next to him.  The young man tensed._

_“Relax, Daniel,” Dr. Christe purred, “You always seem so uptight.”_

_“Um… Dr. Christe…”_

_“It’s Joyce,” she corrected, “we’re not in the classroom and I’ve told all of my students that I don’t stand on ceremony.”_

_With a shy smile, Daniel began again, “Ah… Ddddoc… Joyce, um, I’m not sure if this is a good idea.  Um… me being here…  I, I thought that there would be…”_

_Just then, the front door opened and another woman came bustling in carrying some packages.  Daniel almost leapt to his feet to help her. As he took a few of the boxes, Joyce swooped in and gave the new comer a rather passant kiss._

_Dr. Christe turned to her young student and said, “Daniel, this is Rebekah, my wife.  Rebekah, this is the young man I’ve been telling you about.”_

_Rebekah held out her hand and shook Daniel’s offered one.  “The soon to be famous, Daniel Jackson.  It’s a pleasure to finally have a face to go with the name.  Welcome to our home.”_

_Daniel let out a relieved breath as both women ushered him towards the dining room.  When they settled at the table, Joyce explained her motives._

_“Daniel, I know you have no family.  I also know how young you are and that you are rarely ever seen with friends.  Rebekah and I inherited this mansion, but it’s just the two of us here.  So, in spirit of the season, we’ve always had a student come for dinner._

_“This year I knew from the very first class, that it would be you.  I hope you won’t be offended, but you just bring out the mother in me.”_

_Rebekah giggled and told him, “She is always lamenting that you don’t eat or rest enough.”_

_Daniel ducked his head, embarrassed.  He also felt bad at thinking dark images of this kind professor._

* * *

 

The scene began to fade yet again as Daniel looked on.  He started remembering how he had spent every holiday with the two women.  During his time at the University he got to be a part of a loving family.  They both fussed over him every chance they could.

In fact, it was Joyce that helped expedite Daniel’s transfer to Chicago after his horrible relationship with Steven ended with him in the hospital again.  These two, wonderful, and gay, women were always there for him.  And he had forgotten.

Standing in the dark Daniel wondered why he didn’t recall the happy times or the times that someone did express concern for him. 

_I’m I so jaded that I can’t bring myself to remember good things that happened in my life?  Then again, I would usually use the darkness to spur me forward.  To work harder, learn faster, escape the darkness,_ he thought.

_But when I do escape, I turn around to make sure it hasn’t left me.  That the sadness was still dogging my footsteps.  I never wanted the darkness to be very far, like some sadistic comfort._

Daniel turned toward the dancing light he had been following.  It was getting brighter and closer. He began walking again.  This time, as he passed memories, he made note that there were many times he was happy, safe, and somewhat content.  More than he ever realized.  Sure, he caught sight of a few horrible ones.  Peers shunning him, jocks messing with him, even the time Ferretti tossed his books down a sand dune.

The next image he came to Daniel placed his hand on the forcefield and leaned close.  He did remember this one, but to see her again…

* * *

 

_Sha’re was sitting beside a fire in the map room on Abydos.  She was painstakingly copying down the cartouche symbols as Daniel read them off.  The dark-haired woman would watch him tracing the carvings with gentle fingers, a wistful look on her face._

* * *

 

It was that expression that the present Daniel stared at.  She really did love him.  She kept his secret and played the dutiful wife all while she privately wished he would love her back.

* * *

 

_As Daniel moved to sit next to her, Sha’re asked, “My husband, I wish that I could give you what your heart desires.  I have spoken with my brother and he would be very happy to satisfy your needs.  No one else needs to know.”_

_Daniel looked down as he threw a piece of wood into the fire.  He studied the flickering sparks as they made their way into the air.  What Sha’re was offering was out of pure love and it made him sad that he was not the man that she deserved._

_“My wife, I thank you for this offer, but I am actually quite fine.  My heart is far away, but my love for you is here.  I will not do something that could come back to hurt you.”_

_Sha’re placed her hand on his cheek softly and said, “Dan’yel, I only wish for your happiness.  It will not shame me.  Many husbands do this.”_

_Daniel pulled her close and kissed her.  “I wish that I deserved you, Sha’re.  I’m sorry that I am not the husband Good Father was hoping for, for you.”_

* * *

 

The light dimmed and Daniel was left in the semi-darkness to reflect.  He really didn’t deserve her.  Or what he let happen to her.  But this little reminder of how much she loved him anyway, lightened his heart.

The story of his life was moving quicker now.  Recent things.  Stuff that had happened within the time he’s been in the SGC.  Daniel picked up the pace feeling as if he was getting close to the point of this episode of _“Daniel Jackson, this is Your Life”_.

He skidded to a halt right before the doorway to the room with the dancing light.  On his left, he saw the young men that raped and beat him as they took off.  Then he saw Jack’s truck tearing into the parking lot.  Daniel was witnessing everything that happened that night as if it were a DVD.  His vision blurred with tears to see the care and love everyone was giving him.  The murmured words of acceptance, and affection from the family he was a very big part of. 

He watched Jack, sitting for hours just holding his hand.  Of how he would clean Daniel up when he puked because of the medicine.  Every nightmare that had Daniel woke screaming from, there was Jack, holding him.  Comforting him.  Keeping him from falling completely apart.

With his face wet with tears, Daniel watched as his FAMILY stood around him, offering their strength. General Hammond and Janet, doing everything in their power to help him recover.  Teal’c and Sam, lending their love and support.  And the one that offered him true love… Jack.

Daniel could hear Teal’c’s warm voice coming from somewhere beyond the light. 

“We each have our individual strengths, protector, innovator, scholar, warrior, yet we also hold the same aspects within ourselves too.  Thus, making our family truly a force to be reckoned with.  With O’Neill our protector, but also a warrior, innovator, and yes, scholar.  Myself as the warrior, though I hold true as a protector, innovator, and scholar also.  MajorCarter, our innovator.  But she too holds the power of warrior, protector, and scholar.  DanielJackson, the true scholar.  Yet he also is a very fierce warrior, our consummate protector, and the innovator of thinking beyond what other would see.”

Daniel nodded his head. _Yes!_ he thought, _with my team… no, my family, even when we get beat down from time to time, we always have the fortification of each other.  SG-1 is a true phalanx.  Coiled together and forged in battle and peace._

With this realization, Daniel felt heat course through him.  He looked down and saw himself glowing around the edges.  The heat was growing, searing him from the inside out.

He ripped at his tee-shirt, pulling it off as the fire engulfed him, setting him ablaze.  The scream that ripped from his throat sounded like an eagle’s cry.

Right before his eyes, he saw his skin blacken and crack.  He tried to scream but only smoke billowed out of his mouth.  His fingers clawed at the cracks, pulling the ashes away from his body.  With the pain excruciating, he crashed to the ground, knowing he was dead, yet again.  He crumpled, folding in on himself as searing pain and fire consumed him.

After a few moments of charring darkness, he suddenly felt the heat cool to a bearable level.  He opened his eyes and saw his skin glowing brilliantly and adrenaline was careening throughout his veins. 

Daniel flung out his arms to the side and saw feathers of orange, red, gold, and flaming, spring out behind him.  Turning his head and staring wide eyed as he discovered wings were erupting from his own skin.  With a powerful cry of triumph, he vaulted to his feet, arms spread wide as his blazing wings unfurled.

He, Daniel Nicholas Jackson, was a survivor.  He walked the knife’s edge and still he believed in the best of people.  He could find the beauty in the plainest object.  And he loved with all his heart.  The warmth surrounded him, wrapping him in a feathery embrace.  This was the embrace of his parents, his friends, his family… and most of all, Jack. 

The Phoenix represents rebirth from the ashes.  Daniel was the epitome of that.  How many times had he been killed?  How many times had he been face to face with beings that had more power in their big toe then all four of the assholes that attacked him?  Still, he would come through it, alive and whole.  He knew he could conquer anything with his family beside him.  And Jack loving him.

As Daniel looked behind himself, he saw the darkness had slinked further away than he had ever let it.  The beautiful light from his wings chasing the black away.  He could hear the demons that hounded his ever step wailing and fighting against the light.  The faceless voices that told him he was no good, called him faggot, queer, unlovable.

With a triumphant cry, Daniel shattered the darkness!

***

“Easy, Danny,” Jack grinned as he hugged Daniel close to him.  The younger man was thrashing about, almost knocking the burning candles over.  “You ready to come back to us now?  Ready to face whatever pulls…”

Jack couldn’t finish as he was being lovingly mauled by a very passionate mouth.  His arm’s wrapped around Daniel’s waist and held on for dear life.  Daniel had never kissed anyone like he was now, but he had to let Jack know, he was ready.

When they needed to come up for air, Daniel broke the kiss, but kept a tight hold of Jack.

“I love you, Jack O’Neill!” he announced, “I’m in love with you and I want you with me forever.”

When clapping jarred Daniel, he looked around shocked.  He had thought they were still in the vision, but there they were, one archeologist wrapped around one Air Force Colonel in an unmistakable loving embrace.  The clapping turned to cheering.

“It’s about time!!” Carter winked at them.

“I am very pleased with his outcome,” Teal’c said with an actual smile.

Daniel closed his eyes with a slight crimson color painting his face.  When Jack’s lips press into his, even though they had an audience, the younger man kissed back.

When they parted, Jack smiled lovingly at the man in his arms, “Guess we’re out now.”

Daniel softly smiled and nodded, “Out, and together.  Forever!”

***

They sat in the fading candlelight of the room, speaking quietly.  There was a sense of relief for all of them, especially Daniel.  His smile came easily and that made Jack grin as he sat with the younger man in his lap, his arms wrapped around him.  Carter was playing with the candle flame as she watched her best friend and C.O. cuddling.  She could actually feel the contentment radiating off of the men.

Daniel had just finished telling them about his vision.  About all the things he had forgotten.  The fears he had been wrestling under even before the attack.  He told them more about his parents then any of them had ever heard.  The nights in Egypt and the swing he and his father had put up the day he died.  There were tears, but Daniel wasn’t shying away from or dwelling on them.

When he told his friends about the little crystal skull his grandfather had sent him, Jack squeezed him closer.  One of the many times that Daniel had disappeared causing the colonel considerable stress.

“So, I guess I only recollected the bad stuff that happened to me.  I don’t know if it’s because of the memory holes from descending or if I always was like that.”

Sam gave him a hug and asked, “But now you recall the good stuff too?”

He smiled at them and nodded.  “Yeah.  All of them.  But it’s you guys that really make me happy.  It’s the four of us… together, that fills me with… I don’t know.  Joy?  Yeah, joy!”

Jack leaned in and kissed him.  “That just me.  I have that effect on people.”

They all laughed as Sam tossed a pillow at him.

Daniel grew somber again, his mind spinning.  He wanted his friends to really understand what it had be like for him… at least in his mind.

“I guess I felt a little like Sisyphus in the underworld…”

Jack jerked forward, dislodging Daniel from his embrace.  “What?!  You felt like syphilis?”

Daniel groaned and smacked the older man lightly.  “Sisyphus, Jack.  Not syphilis!  Sisyphus was a mortal king that tricked Hades and escaped Tartarus. When he was forcibly dragged back by the god, Hermes, he was condemned to roll a huge boulder uphill. When the boulder reached the top, the weight of the stone was too great to stay there and it would roll back down to the bottom. Sisyphus had to go down and start all over.  Rolling the boulder back to the top. He could never rest or stop in this ceaseless task for all eternity.

“Every time I thought that I had real love in my life, it just seemed like it was taken away.  Either by my own fault or for some other reason.  I convinced myself that I was like a jinx to anyone that loved me.  They would be taken away… or died. 

“Before I ascended, I just buried myself in my work, like I always had to get through tough times.  When I came back, I just didn’t have the resources to combat the demons that hounded me.  Especially as my feelings for Jack really surfaced.  Feelings I knew wouldn’t be reciprocated. Then the attack came and I just wasn’t strong enough to fight past it.  Plus, I was beaten up for being perceived as gay. A part of me, that I had taken great pains to hide from, kinda took me by surprise,” Daniel shrugged, hoping that this made sense to them.

Jack cocked his head to the side and gave him a sly smile, “Ya’know, Danny, if you had told me about that boulder a long time ago, I would’da just blown it up with some C4.”

Groans and chuckles lighted the room.

Then Teal’c reached over and placed his hand on Daniel’s cheek and said, “DanielJackson, you have always had my love, friendship and protection.  I would gladly assist you with whatever boulder you may have in your way.  Never forget that I have pledged my life for you.”

“And me!” Sam added, taking his hand, “anything for my big brother!”

“I know.  Thank you, guys.  But I think my boulder may be somewhat easier to handle now.  I know it’s not over and that I have a lot of healing left to do.”

“Not all by yourself though, Danny.  You need to hold onto that.  I love you.  More than I completely understand yet.  This journey will be taken as a team… a family,” Jack thought for a moment, “Maybe not _always_ the four of us.  Don’t think I’m into foursome kink.”

Daniel laughed and leaned over to lay a passionate kiss on him.  When they parted, Teal’c was beaming at them, and Carter was unusually fascinated with a glob of candle wax on the table.

They were quiet for a few minutes before Sam asked, “So… how are we going to deal with your relationship at work?”

Jack sighed and sat up a little more.  “We’ll keep it just in our family for now.  At least until the rest of this country catches up with the times.  Janet knows and I’ll probably tell Hammond.  Neither of them will be bothered by us.  As a whole, I think most of the base is pretty open-minded.  And as long as we aren’t necking in the hallways, I think it’ll stay off the radar.”

“Ohhhhh!” Daniel whined, “I wanted to go down on you in the briefing room!!”

The howl of laughter filled the room.

“Danny, you’re killin’ me here!!” Jack said as he flipped him onto the floor and crawled over him.  With a wicked grin, Jack thoroughly kissed his lover.

“Uggg! Get a room!” Sam cried.

Teal’c gracefully stood and pulled the woman to her feet.  “I believe this is our cue to retire to the guest room.  Peaceful night to you O’Neill, DanielJackson.”

Carter laughed and followed the big Jaffa out of the makeshift tent.  “Try and keep it down, boys.  Some of us actually worked today.”

No answer came, as both men were busy using their mouths for more important things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Knowledge, Money and Honor"  
> From the Treasures of the Forefathers - Bedouin Meaningful Tales,  
> Muhammad Al-Hamamdeh, 2004


	9. Epilogue: Home

_**Three Months Later** _

After the team meditation, Daniel tackled his therapy head-on.  He spent hours in the city library researching BPD and PTSD.  He brought home stacks of psychological books, learning about how the mind and emotions worked.  Why children that are brought up in the foster system quite often develop mental health problems.  Add to that, the figures of how children that are subjected to rape, often have major depressive disorder, BPD, PTSD, and the list goes on.

Dr. Fleming was pleased with his progress.  Daniel still had hard sessions and would quite often be completely drained afterwards.  Sometimes he would curl up in Jack’s strong arms and silently cry.  Jack never pushed him to talk about it, knowing that his distress was caused by a particularly hard memory that he had worked though.  Other times, Daniel would come home from his meeting positively wired with energy because he’d remembered a good memory.

He and Joey would go on long hikes in the Garden of the Gods parks.  Daniel felt more comfortable talking out in the open.  Sharing his fears and traumas from his childhood.  To him, it was like releasing these feelings for the wind whip them away.  It was freeing… exhilarating.

Daniel’s speech therapist released him with a fully recovered report.  She was amazed that he had recovered all the sounds so well after the injury that he sustained.  She even wanted to write a paper on him.  His sense of taste was still a little off, but he could live with that.  As long as coffee and chocolate walnut cookies tasted right, the rest was a moot point to him.

Jack had started back to work shortly after that team night.  He knew that Daniel had turned a corner and could be trusted to be on his own.  It was almost like having the ‘old Daniel’ back.  But with certain… pleasurable differences.

Most nights would find the two men cuddled together on the couch.  Jack watching whatever sports game that tickled his fancy and Daniel reading or journaling.  They had yet to completely consummate their relationship, but that was fine with both of them.  Slow and easy was the best coarse for a fledgling gay man and a traumatized one.

That of course didn’t mean that thing never got hot and steaming in various rooms of the house.  Sexual gratification was definitely part of their lives now.  For Daniel, the cuddling was his favorite thing to do.  He had never realized just how much he craved being held and touched.  He was always so stand-offish with people, even his friends, when it came to physical contact.  After reading that that was one of the symptoms of his childhood ordeals, he made a conscious effort to letting people get close to him.  Well, not everyone, but his family and friends.

So, nine months after his attack, Daniel was back on base and almost skipping to General Hammond’s office.  In his sweaty hands, he clutched a manila folder.  Jack couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“Jesus, Daniel,” he said resting a hand on his shoulder, “settle down.  You look like a kid running home from school with a straight ‘A’ report card.”

The younger man looked at him with a frown, “All my report cards were straight ‘A’s, Jack.”

“Figures,” he muttered rolling his eyes.  “Over achiever.”

Jack knocked on Hammond’s open door and strolled in with Daniel hot on his heels.

“General, this hyper-yoyo is here to see you,” O’Neill grinned.

George looked at the bouncing man with a laugh.  He was very happy to see Daniel in such high spirits.

“Gentlemen, I understand that you have something for me, Dr. Jackson.”

“Yes, sir!” Daniel stated, his voice almost an octave higher than normal.  With a huge grin, he handed the folder over.

As Hammond perused the release form giving the medical and psychological clearance for Daniel to go back to work, the younger man looked as if he was about to explode.

“Alright, Dr. Jackson,” George said happily, “Looks like SG-1 is back in rotation.  Welcome home.”

“Thank you, sir!” Daniel said proudly.

“There’s a stack of translations about as tall as me waiting for you to tackle in your office, son.  Enjoy,” he told him.

Jack had to laugh as Daniel sprinted out of the office.  “Anyone else they would’ve grumbled and cussed about that.”

“Jack, can you close the door for a moment,” Hammond asked.

“Ah-oh, this can’t be good.”

George smiled and pointed to the chair for Jack to sit down.  “Jack, I wanted to be the first to tell you about this.  It’s going to go public in a few weeks, but I thought you would like to know now.”

With a deep sigh, Jack closed his eyes waiting for bad news.

“The President has signed the repeal of DA/DT.  All people of whatever orientation will be able to serve openly in all branches of the Armed Forces.  This is retroactive and has been implemented as of today.”

Jack almost jumped into the air and screamed.  If he hadn’t been an officer, he would have.  Instead, he grinned at his CO and nodded with the all the self-restraint he could muster.  But that restraint was seriously put to the test at Hammond’s next words.

“You have the rest of the day to get things in order,” George told the suddenly confused man.  With a bright smile he said, “If you don’t go and ask that young man to marry you, I will have grave reservations about your sanity.  Dismissed.”

It took a full minute for the words to sink in.  Jack stood and left the office in a state of shock.  He barely knew he was even walking when he found himself outside his office door.  After he was safely ensconced in his little office, all the waiting fireworks went off in his head and he shouted in absolute joy, punching the air with his fists!  When he was able to calm his excitement, he grabbed his phone to make preparation for that evening.  There was a lot to get done in a short amount of time.

***

It’s amazing how much you can get done when properly motivated.  Jack was on the phone for most of the morning.  Then he left the base and went into town to get the things he needed for that night.  For once, he was more than willing to let Daniel work through the entire day and not bug the man about lunch or breaks.  This way Jack knew his lover wouldn’t know what he was up to.

He had enlisted Sam, Drew, and Joey in helping him out.  Pulling rank to get Drew out of work.  By the time Daniel would get home, everything would be ready.  The rest of his afternoon was spent on getting his big plans set.  The last place he stopped, was a jeweler.  Jack carefully studied the rings, looking for the perfect one.  He felt bad when he remembered the dinky little ring that he had gotten for Sara.

When Jack spotted the one he wanted, his heart skipped a beat.  With a warm, tingly feeling running through his veins, he called the clerk over.  He had to see it up close.  It was white gold with a deep, iridescent blue, just about the same color as Daniel’s eyes, on the inside.  Slanting cut-out lines around the surface of the ring showing the same blue color.  It almost looked like the iris closing on an active wormhole.  No matter the cost, that was it.  He knew that Daniel’s hands were about the same size as his, maybe slightly thinner, so he had one ring sized to his hand and one a half size smaller.

As he left the store, package tucked safely in his inside jacket pocket, Jack headed home to set everything up.  He felt ten years younger and his heart was full to bursting.  He couldn’t wait for the evening and with it, the love of his life, to come.

***

Jack roamed his backyard, making sure the fire pit was stocked, the Chinese lanterns all working and that all the chairs he had were clean and in placed.  The sky was beginning to darken and a soft breeze ruffled his hair.

Joey showed up with his friend that owned a catering business.  She had pulled some of her friends in to help with cooking and setting up the tables.  Jack was flabbergasted that she was willing to do this at such short noticed, but Joey told him, Thursday nights weren’t that busy for her.

Shortly after they had everything set up, Drew came in with more chairs, a sound system, three kegs of beer, and some tiki touches.  The night was going to be perfect.  The spring weather was warm and the sky clear.  Jack nodded at the scene with satisfaction and knew it was time to call Daniel and let him know he had to be home at 19:00.  Then he called Sam and made sure she got him out the door by 18:00.

Jack sat down on his deck with a soda when it suddenly hit him.  He was going to ask Daniel to marry him.  In front of half the base.  The butterflies were swarming in his stomach now.  No doubts, just nerves.

“Relax, Jack,” Drew said as he sat with him, “this is going to be fantastic!”

“Yeah… it is,” he answered.  “Much better than the first time I asked someone to marry me.”

Drew waited for more, but the other man was silent.  “Come on, spill!”

Jack looked down with a grin, “I asked Sara, my ex, to marry me just as I was getting onto a transport plane to Iraq.  She had to shout her answer to me over the engine noise.”

They laughed together.  Drew patted Jack on his shoulder, “This will definitely be better, I think.”

Jack grew pensive and fixed Drew with a pleading look, “What if he says no?”

The young man barked out a laugh, “Rrrrrrright!  I’ve never seen anyone more in love than Daniel is with you.  Except maybe me and Joey.”

Reassured, Jack leaned back and waited for people to begin to show up.

***

Daniel finally quit asking what was going on when Sam threatened him with bodily harm.  He sat in the passenger set of her car and fidgeted.  He knew something was up when he left the base with her.  There was hardly anyone around and she was dressed up a bit.  Not like date dressed up, but she did have make up on. 

Earlier he had called General Hammond’s office to see what his deadline on the stack of translations was, but he was told that the general had already left the base.  Then he had gone down to see Janet before he headed to the locker room only to find the petite doctor was already gone.  Jack had left about mid-morning and Teal’c was nowhere to be found either.

It didn’t take him long to figure out that something was going on.  When Sam turned towards Jack’s house, Daniel saw loads of cars parked up and down the street.  Some were even parked on the grass in front of the house.  When Sam parked, she turned to her friend and saw his eyes wide and brows almost in his hairline.

“Come on, Daniel,” she said cheerily.  “I promised the colonel that I’d get you here on time.”

“Yeah… but time for what?” the man asked as he cautiously exited the car.  “Come on, Sam.  What the hell is going on?”

She took his hand in hers as they made their way around the house.  Music was playing and Daniel heard people talking and laughing.  When the turned the corner, he saw where the base personal had disappeared too.

Jack saw them and trotted up to Daniel, taking him in a bear hug.  Daniel sort-of hugged back, not wanting to display their relationship in front of so many people.  But Jack didn’t seem to mind.

As the older man took Daniel by the hand and led him into the center of the party, Joey pulled out a guitar and started playing.  Then he and Drew began to sing.

 

_Hold on, to me as we go._  
 _As we roll down this unfamiliar road._  
 _And although this wave is stringing us along._  
 _Just know you’re not alone,_  
 _Cause I’m going to make this place your home._  
  
_Settle down, it'll all be clear._  
 _Don't pay no mind to the demons,_  
 _They fill you with fear._  
 _The trouble it might drag you down._  
 _If you get lost, you can always be found._  
  
_Just know you’re not alone,_  
 _Cause I’m going to make this place your home._  
  
_Settle down, it'll all be clear._  
 _Don't pay no mind to the demons,_  
 _They fill you with fear._  
 _The trouble it might drag you down._  
 _If you get lost, you can always be found._  
  
_Just know you’re not alone,_  
 _Cause I’m going to make this place your home._

_<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTg1n95--KE> _

 

When they finished singing, Joey kept playing softly as Daniel’s attention was drawn back to Jack.  With a huge smile, the older man went down on one knee.

Daniel couldn’t believe his eyes.  Right there, in front of half the base, Jack pulled out a small velvet box, opened it, and took Daniel’s hand in his.

“Daniel,” he said in strong voice, “We’ve been through a lot together.  Seen each other at the lowest points and shared in the triumphs.  I may be a crusty, old bastard, and you love me anyway.  In the past few months, I realized that I was in love with you too.  And now, I want to make that love official.

“Daniel Jackson,” he said with a slight hitch in his voice, “will you marry me?”

As the tears escaped his eyes, Daniel couldn’t for the life of him get his tongue to work.  The moment grew as everyone there held a collective breath.  It wasn’t until Sam nudged Daniel in the back that he managed to get his brain in gear.

“Yes!”

Jack stood up and pulled Daniel into his arms.  The kiss they shared, not only with each other, but with all their friends and family, was the most beautiful moment they would both remember forever.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Home by Phillip Phillips


End file.
